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[personal profile] misscam
Synonyms for Love 2/2
by Camilla Sandman

Disclaimer: BBC's characters. My words.

Summary: Word for love, four letters? [Nine/Rose, Ten/Rose, Others]

Rating: Mature. Some language and adult stuff.

Author's Note: Spoilers through series one and series two. Aside from Nine, Ten and Rose, there's also guest appearances by Eight, Charley, Jack, Sarah Jane, Reinette, Martha and original characters. Some pairings are hinted at. Thanks to Saz for beta. Prompt 049 for [livejournal.com profile] 50lyricsfanfic.

Table of Prompts

Part One

II

Anew

It's hard to pick up a relationship where it left off when you're really starting it all over again.

New Doctor. Same Rose. New hand. Same hold. New body. Same memories.

Humans are so attached to bodies, he knows, and shape identities around them. He is fond of bodies too, sure. Only not when they're rebelling against him.

Rose comes into 'his' room in the Tyler flat, watching him throw-up with only the tiniest amount of pity. It's the third day he's been sick after returning triumphant from the Sycorax, and he's done such a fine job of reassuring everyone it's just the last of the post-regeneration sickness and he'll be fine, honest! that only Jackie is treating him with any sort of pity. (And she's almost overdoing it to the point where he wonders if she's liking his new body a little too much.)

"I'm not avoiding you," Rose declares, flopping down on his bed and almost sitting down on his foot. He retracts it a little, lifting his head away from the bucket and watching her with just a little confusion.

"Okay!" he says brightly, because he didn't think she was. Didn't really think about it at all, really. Using too much really, really.

She looks a little oddly at him, and he wonders what that's about and whether or not he's meant to know. He remembers expressions she'd had, and expressions he's used, but there's a lot of information shacked up in his brain and sometimes the sleeping arrangements get a little confused. He doesn't forget. He can mislay.

"It's just, Mickey and Mum..." She trails off, staring so intently at his naked foot she's probably not seeing it at all. It occurs to him that he is in a state of undress, only a shirt on, and hasn't even thought about with Jackie around. Now he is, with Rose around.

That probably means something.

Bugger it, he decides, and sits up anyway.

"We'll go soon," he promises her and tries to feel a little less nauseated. Steering the TARDIS is a very, very bad idea in his current condition, but the thought of returning to it is already making him perk up considerably. The TARDIS and Rose and time, all new experiences to have. Without buckets to barf in. Probably.

"I'd like that," she says, almost shyly, and they sit in the silence until he starts babbling and she starts laughing and it is sort of old times anew after all.

II

Snog

Rose snogs him. He has time to find it a little surprising, especially her aggression and her unapologetic tongue. Somehow, he always thought she'd be a little more hesitant the first time, but maybe he's just impossible to resist.

He feels a bit proud at that, even as something of a nagging thought places itself in his mind and refuses to budge. Wrong voice, snogging and then talking about stuff Rose shouldn't know, not unless she's been late night studying to really impress him. Rose's body, certainly, but mind?

He likes the mind to go with the body and decides he will have it.

When he finds out it's Cassandra, he's a little surprised and a lot angry and the memory of Rose's lips is just a memory he puts no mind to.

II

Past

The moment he sees Sarah Jane, he feels hundreds of years younger, past crashing into present with a loud enough bang to leave even a Time Lord dizzy. Sarah Jane. Older, but still bright, still clearly up to something, and he half wants to swing her around the room until everyone thinks he's lost it and he'll know he has.

Instead, he just babbles and remembers she always knew how to smile. Sarah Jane.

He isn't that surprised when he finds her poking about, but she is certainly surprised to see him. Surprised enough to take a little while to start asking questions, and oh, he remembers that too. The answers seem half of the past and half of the future, and Rose keeps looking at him after, as if Sarah Jane is a betrayal to her and the opposite isn't even possible.

He remembers why he's left companions behind.

The past doesn't end there, with K-9 and more questions and hurt he's never much thought about. He moved on. Why can't humans? They don't have a TARDIS, but they have a mind that is much better - forgetting, suppressing, making memories out of the past and seeing only the now.

He sees so much more, and the questions Rose asks him, he's seen coming in her eyes a while. They still leave him a little breathless, a little angry and a little hurt. He's not going to leave her behind. He never leaves any of them behind, not really. He just stops ripping them away from their lives. Stops watching time take them from him. Stops them leaving him, as they do.

He never keeps them.

He loves them too much for that.

II

Ever

In the moment he sees himself as a God, his head burns with possibilities. Gallifrey back. Romana back, to hold their planet as in a womb, safe and protected. Sarah Jane. Bright and questions and answers he can give, and show and share and mysteries enough to fill even her inquisitive mind. Rose. Youth and enthusiasm, ever offered hand and laughter to be shared. The Universe, his, his, his, no pain or death or Daleks.

No change.

Rose's eyes and Sarah Jane's word, and the image slips and he sees it for what it is. Rules. He never made rules. He broke them.

Krillitanes, breaks K-9 to break them, and breaks Sarah Jane's heart too. There's always a mess, but he decides to clean this one.

To his surprise, Rose is even keen on having Sarah Jane travel with them, but Sarah Jane has other ideas and he wonders at change and its unpredictability. Wonders at Mickey and Rose and roles reversed, but decides the offer he made to Mickey once must still count. Still a Smith on board, then.

Still a goodbye to make.

He says a lot of silly things and feels a little jealous at the life they choose over him, the life he can't have and doesn't quite want and thus is ever safe to envy, just a little.

His Sarah Jane.

He leaves her K-9, because she deserves a whole heart, and someone to be with her and he; he's got Rose waiting.

He remembers why he's always found someone new.

II

Loss

He lives a lifetime with Reinette in a few hours, feeling breathless and off his feet. Saving her, though she is no victim at all. Holding her hand, thinking maybe he can fake human life, just as long as she does. Feeling understanding, even if she stole it from his mind. Reinette, smarts and sense and seduction, the King's Mistress and for a few hours, a Time Lord's dance.

Then she dies. A few minutes of his time, a few years of hers, enough to remind him why he isn't human at all.

Death ends them. It changes him.

A lifetime for Reinette. A few hours for him. He's not sure which side is the most unfair, but when he folds her letter away, he folds her away in his mind too and lets the pain of her loss join the others.

It won't be alone there.

II

Even

Reinette is dead. Rose is alive.
The TARDIS dies. He gives of his life.
Ricky dies. Mickey stays.
Pete is dead in one Universe. Jackie dies in another.
And he begins to wonder what balancing act the Universe is planning next.

II

Pair

Mickey leaves them, but Rose stays, her choice to go with him reaffirmed. Twosome reaffirmed, and he enjoys it, enjoys falling into jokes and ease and adventures on a Vespa. Not the adventure he had planned, but millions of people saved from the Wire is not a bad trade for Elvis.

But nothing is ever a trade for the TARDIS. Him and her, the only pair in the Universe, and she's ripped from him into darkness. He can't bear the loss of her, so he doesn't feel it and lets Rose think about a future he can't even see. She'll probably lead him into it, stubborn young Rose, romance in her heart and dreams in her eyes. Making the best of things, and he wants to kiss her and flee from her at the same time for it.

There is no best without the TARDIS. There's only avoiding the worst.

Rose and the Doctor, the only pair of that sort in the Universe too, and he gets to break it down in the Pit. A trap, of sorts, the Universe for her and he's always been rather bad at those choices. He can't help it. He keeps having hope and believing in people and generally being a smartarse with a gob.

The Ood are lost, but this time, he wins the day. Not just Rose, but the TARDIS and the Universe too, gambling it all on a pair of hope and defiance and beating a full house.

He feels good about that until Rose tells him to stop smirking like a football nutter watching England win the World Cup and then he just feels good about where he'll take her next. Him and the TARDIS, him and Rose, him and the Universe, twosome reaffirmed.

II

Lust

He forgets who kisses who (which probably means it was him, as he is always good at forgetting the inconvenient), even who slammed who into the warehouse wall, but it's her fingers that unzip his pants and it's his fingers that hike up her skirt and it's definitely his hands on her arse steadying her and it's most assuredly her tongue in his ear.

Right. Shagging.

Humans like it, Time Lords do too, after a fashion, and it's definitely not the first time for him and and it's not technically the first time with Rose either, but it feels like the first of something. It's not grief or comfort or experimentation (ah, University days) or even strictly necessary, because he's pretty sure Rose knows all the things he hasn't said and isn't trying to shag it out of him.

Lust, then, and he wonders vaguely where he's picked it up from, at least until Rose bites down on his bottom lip and everything is very, very much flesh and body and Rose and him.

II

Rite

Forever, she keeps talking about. At first, he warns her against it, holds her hand and feels the storm of time form, but then her innocence seems almost catching. He begins to think of the impossible and holding on and Rose smiles at him and maybe, maybe, maybe.

Sometimes, she kisses him and sometimes he kisses her, and it isn't really needed to be whatever it is they are, but he lets her sexuality be a little catching too.

"How long are you going to stay with me?" he asks, always asks.

"Forever," she says, always says, like a ritual.

He likes words, has always liked words, and lets himself be a little lost in this one.

II

Time

Rose for the Universe again. He's getting sick of that. Daleks again. He's getting even sicker of that. Cybermen again. He's getting sick of that too, just to be consistent.

He tries to send her away, just like he did before. Just like before, she doesn't let him. Picks him over her mother and the chance to have her father back, over Mickey, over safety and he can't even blame her, because he's taught her to be selfish.

Afterwards, he decides, he's going to kiss her and shag her and hate her a little, because he feels her hurts too.

He's already thinking about afterwards, but time has always been a better rebel than him. It doesn't bend to Time Lords. It just curves itself into a new shape and Rose falls. Towards the Void, and he can only look, can only feel, feel, feel, feel.

Pete saves her, and then she is gone. To normal life in another Universe, not to the Void, and he should be glad for that at least, but he is too tired and too old. Too selfish, because either is without him. He would've let her go, did let her go, but when she came back and the Universe took her anyway, it feels like a cheat.

He doesn't remember walking back to the TARDIS, but he does remember standing in it, listening to it live and time howl within it. Future and past and present, dancing together, killing everything it also gives life. Womb and grave and all in-between, time.

He hates it a little, he decides, because he feels the hurts too.

II

Rose

He doesn't let go that easily. At first, he thinks of a million ways to get her back, but they all end badly for the Universe and he is quite fond of that too. At second, he thinks about being selfish and kissing her while stars burn around them and then he thinks she would learn to hate him for it. At third, he thinks of Jackie and Pete and second chances and impossibilities that happen after you've let go.

So he does. He burns a star to say goodbye, and she tells him what he knows, has seen in her eyes so many times. He doesn't get to tell her what she knows, must know, and it feels like a strange sort of irony.

Just a silly little word remaining open and Rose's name walking into memory, where all the others are waiting for her.

II

Life

The TARDIS is adrift in time and space, a little vessel in a giant sea, and the Doctor is waiting for a particular wind to catch him. There's no rush, though there undoubtedly will be as soon as he finds himself somewhere. For now, all the possibilities are exciting enough. A whole Universe of them, and they never run out.

"Doctor?" Martha asks, eyes glittering in the light of the TARDIS as she looks at him. "Why do you never finish your crosswords?"

"They're much more fun to start?" he suggests. "Where did you find that?"

She gives him a look that probably means she's gone snooping again. "Just needs one word here to be complete. Word for love, four letters?"

He thinks, remembering Sarah Jane and Reinette and Pete and Jackie and Susan and Mickey and Jack and Romana and everyone else and Rose, oh yes, his Rose too, still the freshest hurt of them all.

"Life," he says, and the TARDIS spins into it, time all around it as it goes and adventures waiting and hurts waiting and everything in-between and he's never let it go.

Yes, he decides. Life.

FIN

Date: 2006-08-22 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wendymr.livejournal.com
Oh, beautiful! So typical of your work: lovely and lyrical and poignant and immediate and so, so in character. This happened, in their heads and between the scenes we saw played out: that's what your writing in this story tells me.

There's so much here that hurts, that I can see ripping the Doctor raw - and Rose, too, though this is Doctor POV. I think, though, this hit hardest:

He never keeps them.

He loves them too much for that.


So true. Yet he tries to keep Rose, and see how that turned out.

And yet the ending, where he still sees life as a synomym for love, is so the Doctor too. He moves on. As long as there is a universe, as long as he's alive, he'll do exactly that. Never forgetting, but never looking back either. Because that's exactly what he does.

Beautiful work, as always.

Date: 2006-08-22 04:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aervir.livejournal.com
Part Two -- yay!

What I like best about the fic in its entirety is the symmetry of beginning and ending, with Martha picking up the crossword Charley left and filling Rose's story into the blank spaces, so to speak.

Date: 2006-08-22 04:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jarrn.livejournal.com
Wow. That was amazing. Haha. I was crying during the Time and Rose sections. Really beautiful.

Date: 2006-08-22 04:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vaskalcorp.livejournal.com
Hey, did ya see about this - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/5273706.stm ?

Heh. Gotta love silly season searching for a story.

Date: 2006-08-22 06:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mahala.livejournal.com
YES. The symmetry. And the episodic, distilled style that enhances so many of your fics.

Date: 2006-08-22 08:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] miss-andromache.livejournal.com
Oh Cam, I love this. It's really beautiful.

Date: 2006-08-22 10:55 pm (UTC)
ext_24600: (Default)
From: [identity profile] marcasite.livejournal.com
I started to read this at work and realize that I had to stop and give it just when I got home.

So I just re read it and it is still giving me shivers! I am adding to favs since, well now, it's one of my favorites! :)

Date: 2006-08-22 11:45 pm (UTC)
kasuchi: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kasuchi
This was absolutely gorgeous. Lyrics and with a fantastic sense of flow. You got it, and that in and of itself is just...*sigh*

I'm still shivering a touch. You nailed it.

Just...guh. ♥

Date: 2006-08-23 06:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misscam.livejournal.com
Thank you - particulary pleased to hear it felt so in-character for you :)

Date: 2006-08-23 06:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misscam.livejournal.com
Yeah, that was the general frame of it, since Rose's name conveniently is four letters, heh.

Thanks!

Date: 2006-08-23 06:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misscam.livejournal.com
Thank you - I hope it isn't too choppy or anything.

Date: 2006-08-23 06:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misscam.livejournal.com
Heh, tissue?

Thanks!

Date: 2006-08-23 06:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misscam.livejournal.com
I have that channel - well, both of them, actually. Didn't see that, though. Heh. Gotta love the viewers didn't react, but the media did.

Date: 2006-08-23 06:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misscam.livejournal.com
Thank you :)

Date: 2006-08-23 06:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misscam.livejournal.com
Heh, thanks. Gotta hate work getting in way of fandom pursuits, huh?

Date: 2006-08-23 06:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misscam.livejournal.com
Heh, thanks. Hard to beat feedback like that.

Date: 2006-08-23 06:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mahala.livejournal.com
No. It's stylistic, but each bit has a purpose.

Date: 2006-08-23 09:00 pm (UTC)
kasuchi: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kasuchi
Haha. I am the feedback queen!

I meant "lyric," not "lyrics" in the review. You're good, no lie. I, however, am for the lose.

Date: 2006-08-24 11:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] orca-de-wils.livejournal.com
Perfect... just perfect!

Date: 2006-08-24 01:51 pm (UTC)
ext_24600: (Default)
From: [identity profile] marcasite.livejournal.com
Silly, silly work! :)

Yes, despite how silly it is and does in fact get in the way of fandom pursuits, it does pay the bills. *sigh*

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