On the soapbox about rape

[misscam]

I have talked a bit about this before. Not too much, because I really don't want to use it as a sympathy thing. But the other hand, I don't want to say nothing out of shame, because that shame is just crushing and you have to try to lift it off. It isn't easy to hang up your demons for everyone to see, but I've been wanting to say something for a while, to feel like I can at least claim one victory, so here goes.

Thing is, I got raped some time back. I was one of those who got the rare rapes - stranger assaulting me at night, bruises and cuts to show for it and everything. The kind of rape where no one would say "oh, she asked for it" and fuck am I ever glad for that, because if I ever got that attitude, I might have gotten murderous. On the other hand, the guy wasn't caught. He's probably never going to be. And I have to live with that.

Thing is, rape is shite. It's shite when it happens and there's so much shit after and you're stuck with shit for baggage the rest of your life. No one deserves that kind of shit. No one. It's one of the most shitty things you can do to another human being, and it becomes not one inch less shitty just because she wore a see-through top.

And people want to add to this with putting blame on the woman? (Or guy, as guys do very much get raped too. However, as the majority of victims are women, I'm going to use the female pronoun here.) People want to feel more comfortable about it never happening to them by thinking it only happens to a certain kind of person? People want to excuse the guy by thinking it's all right because she really wanted it? People want to think it wasn't really rape if she didn't report it? People want to think rape is less shitty if she's "been sleeping around"?

Fuck that.

The woman is not to blame. If lines have been blurred about consent, that's society's fault. If the guy cannot handle a change of mind, that's his. If she's at the wrong place at the wrong time, that's time and space's fault. If she wears "revealing" clothing - that's nothing to blame at all. That's her choice to be comfortable with and the fault lies in thinking being okay with sexuality is the same as wanting to sleep with anyone.

Rape can happen to anyone. Yes, it can. Women in their 70s get raped. Children get raped. The girl next door gets raped. The guy walking down a quiet street gets raped. It has nothing to do with their sexuality and everything to do with the rapist's.

No one ever ever ever wants to be raped. (Rape fantasies are not fantasies about actual realistic rape, but rather often dominant/submissive play, which many do get off on. Believe me, I've had the real thing. It's nothing like any fantasy.) Most just have no idea what it is like to be raped and hopefully never will. Once you've experienced it, you know why no one would want it, but that's a terrible price to pay for understanding. Don't wish it upon anyone. Just don't. And particulary not to someone who might do something as trivial in the grand scheme of things as pissing you off in fandom.

Anyone who's been through the process of reporting a rape will know why the number of under-reported rapes is assumed to be so high - it's a humiliating, degrading and exhausting process, even if people believe you. (And even worse if they don't.) Going through that right after it has happened? It can shatter you all over again. Believe me, I've done it. And all I got for it was a letter months on telling me my case had been shelved because they had exhausted all their leads and the guy is still out there, unnamed. I'm a number in a statistic. In some years, the statue of limitations will have passed and he will have gotten away with it. Sometimes, that's all you get for it. Sometimes, you do get justice, but even then, boy does the process hurt. Don't blame those who don't do it. Try to do something with why they don't instead.

No one deserves less understanding, care and fucking respect after a rape than anyone else. Yes, respect. People who come back from war with injuries get respect. Getting through a rape is a war too - with your own demons, with shame and guilt, with the guy who did it too - even if he's faceless-, with society hang-ups. The wounds are just on the inside. And a rape can fuck up just as much if you've slept five twenty guys before, or if this was your first time. In the end, how you deal with a rape is a combination of your own personality, what kind of people you have around you and the circumstances of the rape. Some get over it in different ways from other and have other stages. Some take longer on some stages. There is no key. I'm not even sure there's an ideal way. There's just the best you can do.

Thing is, you survive it. It hurts, but you do. You do survive. But sometimes, you're not quite the same person after.

Finally - some do react to raping by feeling a lot of distaste for men in general. And I can't blame that. However, I'm going to try a different approach. I'm going to like men who hate on the rapists, who understand sex is an act of two people and not one person getting what he wants, who can respect a choice, who like women enough not to do something that shitty, who are men enough not to rape. You are men. The others are just walking dicks. (The day society considers centers rape less on the woman and more on the walking dick not being man enough, I will be very happy.)

To you, men. May you outnumber the walking dicks, who can sod off. And take the shame with them, because it's theirs in the first place.

Comments

[joraina.livejournal.com]

Word.

And power to you for expressing yourself so eloquently on such a difficult and sensitive (to yourself, especially) subject.

[evanesce.livejournal.com]

Amen.

[dawning-star.livejournal.com]

Amen.

[vulgarweed.livejournal.com]

OH fuck yes. All so beautifully said too. *hugs*

Don't give up on getting justice. A friend of mine from college was raped and murdered in 1993. Stranger. Late at night. No witnesses. He was eventually caught, 3000 miles away, 12 years later, by DNA testing.

Rapists should be the ones to be afraid, not the ones they've victimized. And there is NO justifying rape; no vile energy put into smearing the victim will EVER make it OK.

[ashiya.livejournal.com]

Amen.

[vandonovan.livejournal.com]

Word to that, and very eloquently and passionately put.

[colorstoobright.livejournal.com]

Word, and I applaud you for such a wonderful post.

[distaff-exile.livejournal.com]

The girl at the back of the room stands, quietly, and nods.

Well bloody put.

[aka-paloma.livejournal.com]

I wish the whole world would understand all that, but people do hide from the reality of rape and try to make excuses. There is no excuse for rape. No one ever asks for it. No one ever deserves it. It is an act of hate and violence by those who want to have power and control over others.

::hugs Cam:: You rock. And after reading this post, I think you're one of the strongest people I've ever met, online or in RL. ::more hugs::

[alswaiter.livejournal.com]

As always, well put.

*sends hugs and support*

If ever you need Drew or I (though you have much closer friends now, of whom I'm sure you confide in much easier) we're always online in our evenings and sometimes in the afternoon. Don't hesitate to message us. I'm very good at being ranted at for anything. Give me a shout sometime. :)

[doubtful-salmon.livejournal.com]

I can think of nothing to say but amen, and this: It is my opinion that people who think that rape is ever the woman's fault are misogynist at best, and walking dicks at worst.

So...amen.

[miss-andromache.livejournal.com]

Well put. Really well put.

[canadian-kazz.livejournal.com]

Amen.

My respect for you has increased tenfold, Cam. This is a wonderful and poweful message for everyone.

[starsong24.livejournal.com]

I think it's a hangover from days when men had complete authority over women. They still try to blame everything on the woman, instinctively, because the Man Can Do No Wrong.

And yes, that's a ridiculously broad, generalised statement that does not apply to many people. But it may lie behind it.

I'm sorry.

[kittycatness.livejournal.com]

a.fucking.men


♥

[dominique012.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing this. Amazingly written and so very important.

[padawanpooh.livejournal.com]

Very eloquent, and very powerful. I'm so sorry you went through such an awful, awful thing. I really really hope they catch the bastard.

[cedara]

Well said.

[hippydeath.livejournal.com]

Amen.

[denorios.livejournal.com]

Amen to that.

A friend of mine from university was raped coming back from a party on campus, and her own mother told her it would never have happened if she hadn't been, in her words, 'dressed like that'. I've never been so angry in my life when my friend told me that.

She got through it, though, and came out stronger for it, and I admire her as much as I admire you now. You women rock.

[stumbelina.livejournal.com]

Thank you for writing this.

[evilstorm.livejournal.com]

Amen. You'd think it wouldn't really be so hard to understand that even if the woman's sitting there baring her genitalia at you, it's still rape if she doesn't say 'yes'.

I want to be able to walk where men can walk, at any time of the goddamn day or night, without fear of being raped. If the other fucking gender can do it, why can't I? (Muggings and murder aside, that is.)

[marcasite.livejournal.com]

Very eloquently and passionately stated. I have huge amounts of respect for the courage and strength that you show in this post (and I am sure in everyday of your life).

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Of course one never knows, but I'm not counting on it, you know? If I expect him to get caught and he doesn't, it's just going to eat at me too much. In this case, I've basically decided to expect the worst. (That's not to say it doesn't fill me with quite a lot of range that he gets to walk on with his life and I don't, but that's not doing me much good at all.) Maybe karma will do what justice can't, who knows.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Realising it can happen to anyone, oneself included, is not exactly the kind of truth people want to take in. Always much easier to think bad things happen to bad people.

Fits better with the sort of world we want to live in, me thinks.