Life and death

[misscam]

My last remaining grandparent died this weekend. My mum called me and told me he'd suffered a heartattack and died and all I could do was sit on my couch and stare at the air. Me and my brother used to stay with him and my grandmother during summers. I remember watching football with him, I remember playing in his sandpit, eating grandma's waffles in the kitchen. Now they are both gone, as my childhood is. I feel such loss. For me, for them, for my father. And eventually, I must lose him too.

It's been a while since I last lost someone in my family. I don't think I've managed to understand it yet. Death is just a word and my mind keeps repeating it, but the meaning seems lost somewhere, wandering. And when it catches up, I will have to grieve. Perhaps that is why I am making myself not understand it, I don't know. Delaying the inevitable. Grief will come. I can feel it waiting for me in the shadows of my mind. But if I grieve, he will really be dead and I don't want him to be.

I miss him.

And life goes on, treading softly in the autumn light.