How OFUM is Going...
Jan. 12th, 2005 10:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
misscamListening to Billy Boyd singing "Hit Me Baby One More Time" really is quite wrong. And writing OFUM after a long break sometimes feel like pulling a tooth. I do remember where I was going, but not how I was going to get there that's even remotely funny. But for those wondering, it is being worked on. And here's a little draft to prove it.
War.
A simple word for a lifetime of trouble and a backside of bruises. And about as easy to fix as knocking a Rohirrim of a horse with a toothpick. Yet here Jess sat, in the relative silence of the study hall, trying to dissect a war with her sister so that she could bring peace about and go through with her very ambitious plan.
She hadn't quite dared to tell Kat the part about the cunning extra plan. She wasn't even sure it was really her plan, for surely her brain would never think up such a thing when it could settle for admiring Legolas's firm buttocks.
"So we think the argument started with what's better of Elf fanfic or Hobbit fanfic," Kat said, looking over her notes. "Which means we can maybe get them to settle on both being good in different ways."
"Okay," Jess replied and tried not reply 'bloody likely'. She knew her Elven-obsessed friends. They thought Maeglin the hight of all art ever. Those who weren't lusting after Legolas/Glorfindel/Elrond/Haldir/Figwit/RandomElf anyway. Which she supposed strictly speaking included her.
"Then there's the issue of Fiora Flagraton the Elf and Alenia the Hobbit and their... Incident," Kat went on, the paused. "Why did you talk me into this again?"
"Hot oiled Faramir."
"Ah, right. Hot oiled Faramir. I can do this. I can. Hot oiled Faramir, hot oiled Faramir. Right. The Incident, as it's known, involved Fiora and Alenia and the argument over who had the sexiest hair in the film. Fiona wanted Hobbits disqualified since they were by nature cute and not sexy. This spurred Hobbits into starting a Hobbit Pride movement."
"Which several slashers joined before discovering it wasn't actually gay pride," Jess injected.
"Yes."
They both paused to remember that scene. It would be a small miracle if the garden ever recovered from the "Sam loves Frodo - yeah, like *that* - no, not like that, you pervert - but they hold hands! - platonic hands!" fight that had broken out. Amanduriel was still in the Healer's Wing trying to have her Hobbit feet removed from her nostrils.
"Okay, so that started the Elf Pride, well, after that minor leader fight between Avihn Mason and Nelloth. Who won, anyway?"
"Neither," Jess replied. "One of the minis glued their ears together so that they would stop shouting at each other. Only they didn't and now they're both walking around with shattered eardrums."
"Ow."
"After all we've been through here you think shattered eardrums are ow?"
Kat seemed to think about this. "Well, minor ow. Like ow whispered."
"Ow lite."
"Pale ow."
"Now there's a name for a painkiller if ever there was one," Jess remarked. "Okay, so after that they basically went into war and my head hurts just trying to remember all that went on there."
"I don't think it matters," Kat said thoughtfully. "You know, I do think it really boils down to the first issue. Which is more worthy to write about; Hobbits or Elves? I'm not sure who has the superiority complex and who has the inferiority complex, but there sure are some complexes wandering about there and getting fat on bacon."
"And the humans got forgotten somewhere along the way."
"Yeah, where are all the more human-centered students, anyway?"
"Sneak-peaking the Return of the King Extended Edition on Miss Cam's palanîr and ogling various males."
"Miss Cam will not be amused."
"Miss Cam is never amused."
"Except when laughing at our expense," Kat replied.
"Student adventures do seem to never cease to amuse our good staff."
"Yeah."
Jess looked down for a moment. "You know, I still sort of miss them."
"Even King Thranduil rolling you down Erebor in a winebarrel for coping a feeling of Legolas's behind?"
"Even that."
"Funny they should all go missing," Kat remarked, fiddling slightly with her pen. "I have a strange feeling something is going on here that will all come to bite us terribly in the bum just when we manage to achieve our objectives."
"Oh, that won't happen," Jess replied, the realised what she had said and closed her mouth so hard she immidiately had to open it to let out an ow lite.
"And how do you know that?" Kat gave her a murderous stare. "Jess! What are you not telling me? I know that look on yoru face. It's as guilty as that time you replaced my English essay with my Ode to Faramir which I proceeded to hand in and get an A from my equally Faramir lusting teacher."
Jess looked down. "I maybe wasn't totally trueful when I said I wanted us to change Canon and have Faramir and Legolas."
"You WHAT?"
"They were talking about changing him permanently, Kat! I just... It feels wrong. Would you really want a Faramir that carelessly tossed Éowyn aside for you? Or for that Faramir lusting Evil Sorceress student who likes to pretend her name is Lady Eowyn?"
The silence seemed to stretch on. Finally, Kat lowered her head. "No."
"No," Jess repeated. "And besides, it's not going to work."
"How do you know that?"
"I will show you."
Kat raised an eyebrow. "You've figured out - on your own - why a plan you would a few weeks ago been at the head off will not work?"
"Yes. I know, I know, I'm as stunned as you are. Come on. We have to make our way into the Enrolment Offices."
"But that's in the middle of the bloody warzone! Remember, our plan? Ending the war?" Kat waved an arm in the air impatiently. "We can't go down there now, we'll be pelted with fermented lembas and rotted mushroom cluster bombs!"
She paused suddenly, her arm mid-air. "Jess, we're so stupid. We don't need to stop the war, just move it! Pretend the Hobbit students the secret location of the Elf HQ and the Elf students the secret location of the Hobbit HQ and make sure the locations are real close. That'll keep them occupied."
"Sometimes Kat, you do have a brain."
"Oh, shut up. I'll do the Hobbits, you do the Elves. Then we meet in the entrance hall."
And then we'll see if my brain really does work, Jess thought.
*****
War.
A simple word for a lifetime of trouble and a backside of bruises. And about as easy to fix as knocking a Rohirrim of a horse with a toothpick. Yet here Jess sat, in the relative silence of the study hall, trying to dissect a war with her sister so that she could bring peace about and go through with her very ambitious plan.
She hadn't quite dared to tell Kat the part about the cunning extra plan. She wasn't even sure it was really her plan, for surely her brain would never think up such a thing when it could settle for admiring Legolas's firm buttocks.
"So we think the argument started with what's better of Elf fanfic or Hobbit fanfic," Kat said, looking over her notes. "Which means we can maybe get them to settle on both being good in different ways."
"Okay," Jess replied and tried not reply 'bloody likely'. She knew her Elven-obsessed friends. They thought Maeglin the hight of all art ever. Those who weren't lusting after Legolas/Glorfindel/Elrond/Haldir/Figwit/RandomElf anyway. Which she supposed strictly speaking included her.
"Then there's the issue of Fiora Flagraton the Elf and Alenia the Hobbit and their... Incident," Kat went on, the paused. "Why did you talk me into this again?"
"Hot oiled Faramir."
"Ah, right. Hot oiled Faramir. I can do this. I can. Hot oiled Faramir, hot oiled Faramir. Right. The Incident, as it's known, involved Fiora and Alenia and the argument over who had the sexiest hair in the film. Fiona wanted Hobbits disqualified since they were by nature cute and not sexy. This spurred Hobbits into starting a Hobbit Pride movement."
"Which several slashers joined before discovering it wasn't actually gay pride," Jess injected.
"Yes."
They both paused to remember that scene. It would be a small miracle if the garden ever recovered from the "Sam loves Frodo - yeah, like *that* - no, not like that, you pervert - but they hold hands! - platonic hands!" fight that had broken out. Amanduriel was still in the Healer's Wing trying to have her Hobbit feet removed from her nostrils.
"Okay, so that started the Elf Pride, well, after that minor leader fight between Avihn Mason and Nelloth. Who won, anyway?"
"Neither," Jess replied. "One of the minis glued their ears together so that they would stop shouting at each other. Only they didn't and now they're both walking around with shattered eardrums."
"Ow."
"After all we've been through here you think shattered eardrums are ow?"
Kat seemed to think about this. "Well, minor ow. Like ow whispered."
"Ow lite."
"Pale ow."
"Now there's a name for a painkiller if ever there was one," Jess remarked. "Okay, so after that they basically went into war and my head hurts just trying to remember all that went on there."
"I don't think it matters," Kat said thoughtfully. "You know, I do think it really boils down to the first issue. Which is more worthy to write about; Hobbits or Elves? I'm not sure who has the superiority complex and who has the inferiority complex, but there sure are some complexes wandering about there and getting fat on bacon."
"And the humans got forgotten somewhere along the way."
"Yeah, where are all the more human-centered students, anyway?"
"Sneak-peaking the Return of the King Extended Edition on Miss Cam's palanîr and ogling various males."
"Miss Cam will not be amused."
"Miss Cam is never amused."
"Except when laughing at our expense," Kat replied.
"Student adventures do seem to never cease to amuse our good staff."
"Yeah."
Jess looked down for a moment. "You know, I still sort of miss them."
"Even King Thranduil rolling you down Erebor in a winebarrel for coping a feeling of Legolas's behind?"
"Even that."
"Funny they should all go missing," Kat remarked, fiddling slightly with her pen. "I have a strange feeling something is going on here that will all come to bite us terribly in the bum just when we manage to achieve our objectives."
"Oh, that won't happen," Jess replied, the realised what she had said and closed her mouth so hard she immidiately had to open it to let out an ow lite.
"And how do you know that?" Kat gave her a murderous stare. "Jess! What are you not telling me? I know that look on yoru face. It's as guilty as that time you replaced my English essay with my Ode to Faramir which I proceeded to hand in and get an A from my equally Faramir lusting teacher."
Jess looked down. "I maybe wasn't totally trueful when I said I wanted us to change Canon and have Faramir and Legolas."
"You WHAT?"
"They were talking about changing him permanently, Kat! I just... It feels wrong. Would you really want a Faramir that carelessly tossed Éowyn aside for you? Or for that Faramir lusting Evil Sorceress student who likes to pretend her name is Lady Eowyn?"
The silence seemed to stretch on. Finally, Kat lowered her head. "No."
"No," Jess repeated. "And besides, it's not going to work."
"How do you know that?"
"I will show you."
Kat raised an eyebrow. "You've figured out - on your own - why a plan you would a few weeks ago been at the head off will not work?"
"Yes. I know, I know, I'm as stunned as you are. Come on. We have to make our way into the Enrolment Offices."
"But that's in the middle of the bloody warzone! Remember, our plan? Ending the war?" Kat waved an arm in the air impatiently. "We can't go down there now, we'll be pelted with fermented lembas and rotted mushroom cluster bombs!"
She paused suddenly, her arm mid-air. "Jess, we're so stupid. We don't need to stop the war, just move it! Pretend the Hobbit students the secret location of the Elf HQ and the Elf students the secret location of the Hobbit HQ and make sure the locations are real close. That'll keep them occupied."
"Sometimes Kat, you do have a brain."
"Oh, shut up. I'll do the Hobbits, you do the Elves. Then we meet in the entrance hall."
And then we'll see if my brain really does work, Jess thought.
*****
