Cam's Open Letter to Doctor Who Fanfic Writers

[misscam]

Oi! Doctor Who Fanfic Writers! A moment of your time, please.

(Not all of this will apply to all of you and indeed, some of you may be utterly brilliant and not bugger up on any of these issues and if so, I probably kiss your feet and leave nice reviews for your stories. If I don't, remind me I should.)

Spoilers for the 2005 series. Rather fandom specific, but a lot applies to fanfic in general. Loooong rant.

For the love of the Doctor, mind your bloody English! Spelling and grammar does matter. If a reader spends more time trying to understand what a sentence is trying to say than you spent writing the whole chapter, that's not a good thing, okay? You might not notice spelling and grammar when it's done well, but you sure as heck do when it isn't. It can ruin the flow of a story, yank readers out of the images you're trying to put in their mind and just plain annoy them away. Spellcheck. Proofread. Get a beta. Spare a little love for the language. It is after all the tool of the trade. If you break it, you ain't getting a new one.

Doctor, the Shagmaker. Whether you believe the Doctor is asexual, heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, just Rose-sexual or kinky, please do remember his sexuality or lack thereof isn't the only aspect of his character. Also, he's not a teenager. He does not declare his TWUWUB for Rose with Evanescence. He does not weep while giving Rose the best she's ever had. He is not an utter idiot with no brain-fuctions but hormones. He's a 900 year old (++) Time Lord from Gallifrey who's lost his entire people and still manages to care for the Universe and attempts to make it better. He can be silly and dark and flirty, but he's still not walking sex only. Thank you. (To quote lotus79, "depth is sexier than sexiness".)

Ten is not the anti-Christ. It's still the Doctor. Regeneration has been an aspect of Doctor Who since very early on. In fact, if not for it, you probably wouldn't have been able to enjoy the show as you do now. Hey, I adore Nine too, but change has always been the name of the show. You don't have to love it, but let's keep the bashing out of fanfic, yeah? How you feel about the Ten is not how Rose feels about Ten, mmkay? Also, did I mention he's still the Doctor? Because he still is. (See: Nine talking about events previous Doctors have had as "I", Ten talking about taking Rose's hand for the first time as "I".)

Oh, look! It's a plot-hole the size of Norway! Oh yes, most love a good smuterrific story. But sometimes, a story does have a plot too. And when you opt for a plot, try not making it an inane trip of mindboggling stupidity, yeah? Use your brain (it's such a wonderful thinking tool). What would be the consequences of the actions in your story? Does the plot have such holes the draft is like winds of a hurricane? Do you spend more time describing Rose's outfit than thinking over the plot? Does the Doctor appear to have a case of stupidgitis? Consider your plots before you write them. If they fail a kindergarten intellegence test, maybe it's time to replot.

Muhahahaha! (Aka Villain Motivation Factor) Okay, so Doctor Who is a show where the bad guy was once a cactus and the most beloved villains are pepperpots with plungers. But still. If your villain exist merely to laugh evilly and make Rose and the Doctor shag for their lives (and everyone else's perverted enjoyment), it might be just a liiiiiiitle thin. Did baddie have a bad childhood? Does blue really offend him? Is world domination all he's ever wanted and the Doctor is in the way? Is he in it for the money? Is he in it for the chicks? Is he in it for the outfits? Motivation matters. And hey, sometimes having a baddie with a cause might even help with the issue of plot (see above).

Rose, why are you riding a My Little Pony? Crossovers can be fun. But look at the compatibility factor of the different Universes before you plundge wildly into it, hmm? Just because you love both things doesn't mean they're destined soulmates.

And the Doctor's sword of passion plunged into Rose's moist cave of wetness... No. Badly written sex hurts the vagina, precious. Romance novels are usually not your best guide, nor is letters to Penthouse. Before you dvelve into all the naughtiness, know at least these things:
1. The layout. (For instance, the hymen is not the clitoris. Okay?)
2. The mechanics. (Amazing how much people can muck up in-out in-out business.)
3. There is not such thing as InstaOrgasm. (Even teenage boys need a little work.)
4. Simultaneous orgasms are not common. (They can happen, but every time Rose and the Doctor do the deed? Do they teach that at Gallifreyan University or something?)
5. Euphemisms for vagina and penis can be good, since vagina and penis are such clinical terms. But doorbell? Doctorhood? No. (Also in the argh-my-smut-is-ruined-by-the-giggles category: manpole, core, honeyed sweetness, throbbing manhood, throbbing member, love centre.)
6. Foreplay is good. Very good. Goodgoodgood. (Did I mention good?)
7. Not every time is the best ever. (Not even with the Doctor, skilled as he might be with his hands.)
8. Creativity is good, but certain positions are impossible even if you've mastered yoga. (The human body is not play-dough. It does not bend every which way.)

Rose, the WonderWomb. So, so many babies. Rose and the Doctor could have a kindergarten by themselves, it seems. To which I'd like to point out that 1) we don't know if they're compatiable to have babies together 2) you don't need babies for it to be OMGTWUBWUB (for that matter, you don't even need sex) and 3) babies are a lot of work. It would have some major implications for both. Take it into account before you knock her (or him, if you're creative/perverted/evil) up. (As lotus79 says, "the major implications are what makes the idea so interesting".)

"Those would have been terrible last words." Doctor Who has a lot of great dialogue. Don't ruin that love by having the Doctor and Rose suddenly speak like American teenagers, yeah? It's a British show with characters - yes, even the aliens - using a lot of British slang. If you don't know it too well, the Internet is full of Brits who can teach. (A little bribe won't hurt your chances there.)

Once upon a time, there was this Mel Gibson movie... Doctor Who visits a lot of historical settings. The show does not use Hollywood movies for research on this settings. Neither should you.

"Oh Doctor-widdlums, I love you!" "I love you too, Rose of my hearts!" "Let's get married while doves coo overhead and the clouds make out a giant heart!" Too much sugar kills your teeth and leaves you with bleeding gums, you know? Rose and the Doctor are cute together, but you needn't dip it in syrup, sugarcoat it and then serve it with cookies and chocolate and an extra helping of sweet. Sometimes, understated is good. (And also reduces the chances of making your readers barf.)

"Ooooh, Theta!" Try "oooooh no!" The Doctor prefers to be known as the Doctor. Theta is a Canon nickname yes, but he also didn't seem to care much for being called it and it hasn't resurfaced in Who Canon. He's unlikely to tell Rose to use it as her own personal pet name for him to symbolize their TWUWUB. The Doctor, unless you didn't notice, isn't too sharing in the information about himself department.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! BAD REVIEW! Oh, knock it off, you whinging wailer. You post in public, you get reviews in public. Sometimes, you get a flame, and that sucks. Sometimes, you get bad concrit, and that can feel sucky as well. But throwing a temper tantrum about how meeeeeaaaaan it is to leave a bad review and how your fragile flower of creativity is crushed (CRUSHED!) and you'll never write again? Bitch, please. That's attention-wailing. Moan and hiss in private, consider if maybe the concrit had something of worth (and it can) you can use to write better next time and hey! you might even start getting less bad reviews and have nothing to throw temper tantrums over. Your readers won't have to get annoyed at wah-wah from you and your fragile flower of creativity might bloom into a shrubbery not even weedkillers can destroy.

"It's only fanfic!" Yes. And this is only an opinion and I am a fanfic snob. But see, being a fan of Doctor Who, I like to see it treated with a little respect. In fanfic as well. And I like it to actually have some faint resemblance to the show and the characters in it, you know? Otherwise, why aren't you just writing original fiction?

Whoops. That went on for a bit. Ah well.

Comments

[megpie71.livejournal.com]

Still strangely drawn to babyfics; but for smeg's sake, make them angsty and *realistic*, not "oh, we'll just get married and get a flat in London and keep the TARDIS in the living room and travel on weekends."

Life isn't neat like that, a baby would throw a huge spanner in the works. Sometimes that's fun to explore.

Let's not forget that the TARDIS is canonically *unreliable*. This has been a factor in the show since the very beginning - it's a Type 40 that was in for maintenance when the Doctor "acquired" it. It has malfunctioning just about everything, and there has *always* been a lot of trouble getting parts. This is why the Doctor tended to defeat the Master and the Rani by borrowing bits and pieces from their TARDISes.

Travelling "just on weekends" would be interesting for the first time. Of course, coming back with the child about three years older than when they left might just raise some questions with the neighbours.

However, as an old-time (since the mid - late 1970s) Dr Who fan, I'd point out that the Doctor is not just a different species, he's from a whole different biosphere to Rose. He has two hearts, which is only the begining of his differences from a standard human. (I believe there's a bit of an exam done by medical personnel at the beginning of "Spearhead from Space", or whichever one the first Jon Pertwee story was, which enumerates some of his differences from the human norm).

I'd put it this way: in this fandom, you have something like thirty years of backstory to look up. I'd suggest checking out something like the "Dr Who Discontinuity Guide" for a summary of the canon history (covers all the way from 1 through 7 - the original BBC series of multiple half-hour episode storylines at approx 13 stories per set). That way, as a fan of the whole business, you don't wind up tripping over the canon.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Who Canon can be a bit daunting to start on, I have to admit. But really, some things are so essential they can't be missed. Especially the bits Canon write out in big neon letters across every series.