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misscamThe first letter
Oi! Doctor Who Fanfic Writers! A moment of your time, please - again.
(Not all of this will apply to all of you and indeed, some of you may be utterly brilliant and not bugger up on any of these issues and if so, I probably kiss your feet and leave nice reviews for your stories. If I don't, remind me I should.)
Spoilers for the 2005 series. Rather fandom specific, but some applies to fanfic in general. As usual, I go on for a bit.
You are not Rose. Rose is not you. Rose might have similarities with you, and you might relate to her, but she is not you. She's not going to always react to things how you would, or like the same things you do. Rose was not created by you. SHE IS NOT YOU. So don't write her like that. Okay?
G-A-L-L-I-F-R-E-Y It might not have been named in the new series, but that's the Doctor's home planet and that's how you spell it. The BBC says so, and you should listen to the BBC.
Sure are a lot of fics set in summer, eh? That thing you do to tell people what the story is about - it's summary, not summery.
So who's the president of England, then? A lot of Doctor Who takes place in the United Kingdom - which incidentally is not quite the same as England - and it helps to get a sense of the geography, society and form of government if your fanfic is set there too. Also, though the show is shot in Cardiff, Wales, not all episodes are set there. Don't confuse Wales with England unless you really, really want to get a work-out by running away from torch-carrying Welshmen.
Did I mention it also travels in time? TARDIS stands for Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space. Which makes it an acronym. Which means you capitalize all of it. The TARDIS. Just like United Nations becomes the UN, the United States becomes the US - you get the idea.
Doctor, the Sob of Gallifrey. No. Take a look at how the Doctor deals with grief - he gets confronted with the loss of his whole planet, he sheds on single tear. He sees (he thinks) Rose die, he more or less shuts down emotionally and goes still. He sees Jabe die, he gets pissed. This is not a man who weeps over how beautiful Rose looks in a dress, or how utterly excellent that orgasm was or that he got beaten up by Jackie. Okay?
"Ten STOLE Rose from Nine!!!!" Oh look, you just stole my sanity. I know I've been over this before, but I am forced to repeat myself. Nine and Ten are the *same guy*. IT'S STILL THE DOCTOR. Different incarnation, same guy. Different clothes, same guy. Different penis, same guy. New mole, same guy. New actor, same character. Are we all very, very, very crystal clear on this now?
Coupling, by the TARDIS. Yes, the TARDIS is sentient. Yes, the Doctor calls her a she and it's possible she is a romantic little time machine and enjoys watching some shagging going on. But she ain't running a dating service, you know what I'm saying?
Jackie, the Evil Overlady of Mum Concern. Yes, Jackie didn't seem all too fond of the Doctor at times. But before you make her the evilest evil that crawled out of the evil-hive, consider that maybe she has reason to. She hardly sees her daughter, she knows it's a dangerous life and the Ninth Doctor was not much one for polite chit-chat. She might be overprotective. She is not suddenly going to start laughing evilly and chain up the Doctor and force Rose to abort his baby and bring the Daleks around for tea.
Doctor Who Canon, the Yoga Master. Yes, Doctor Who Canon is bendy. What can you expect from a show that has a time machine that's bigger on the inside than the outside and contradicts itself on a weekly basis? That doesn't mean anything goes. Canon might be bendy, logic doesn't much like to stretch too far, or it snaps.
Old skool is a good school, as![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dark_aegis says, and many would agree. There is after all decades worth of stuff and villains and plots that came before the new revived show, and some of it might look so interesting to you you'd like to include it in a story about the newer incarnations of the Doctor. And that's lovely. Until you fail to research the thing you're taking from old skool and mutilate it beyond recognition. That's not so lovely. Research in general is gold. Research when you borrow from episodes people remember is a *requirement*. Unless you enjoy getting smacked with facts, that is.
The Last Time Lord? Not anymore! Oh, so you made Rose a Time Lord? Bzzzt! Wrong! Try again. You made Rose Gallifreyan. To become a Time Lord, she would have to attend an academy at Gallifrey, and Gallifrey has gone boom. (Though Canon might also suggest it's the title of an hereditary, artistocratic class - but again, that went gone boom-boom with Gallifrey.) The babies of Rose and the Doctor - and you do seem to fond of giving them many, many babies - wouldn't automatically be Time Lords either. For one thing, they would at least be half-human. (Incidentally, the whole Rose-becoming-like-the-Doctor plot is getting a little worn. If you don't have a radical new approach to it, maybe it could rest, just for a little while?)
- ETA: This point, Canon debateable. Which just goes to show what a mad world Doctor Who is. Look at all the stuff you can swim in!
And here's the latest from the shag - the Doctor is two fingers down and Rose is massaging the balls, getting ready for her shot at the wicket... Oh, lovely. The Doctor is getting laid again. I'm sure he's extatic knowing how much he's getting in fanfic, but... This ain't cricket. So why are you giving us a play-by-play, with updated scores as we go? I mean, on the face of it, sex is a very simple concept. It generally involves a penis and a vagina, or occasionally two penises or two vaginas, or kinkingly two vaginas and a penis or two penises and a vagina. (Anything beyond that, write Penthouse.) Most people know how it goes, even if they haven't gotten around to bring the theory into practice yet. (And if they don't know, they shouldn't be reading it - and certainly not write it.) There is no need to write a sex scene in the style of IKEA assembly instructions. "He rubbed her clitoris. This made her wet. She touched his penis. That made him hard." Some like their sex more detailed than others, granted, but how about telling us a bit of how the sex makes the characters feel? If there is nothing emotional from the characters at all, it might as well be Tony Blair having sex with Laura Bush as the Doctor doing over Rose. To quotelotus79, "good smut you should feel from the inside".
"Can be any Doctor or any Companion." Oh, so you're leaving it up to me to decide who the characters in this fic are? Well, how kind of you. Pardon me for asking though - but just how interchangable are the various incarnations of the Doctor? Would One do as Eight? Would Nine shag like Five? And what about the companions? Would Tegan talk like Susan? Would Rose dress like Sarah Jane? Would K-9 kiss like Adric? No? Then if it can be any Doctor or any Companion, it's not a fic with any characterisation at all, now is it?
Not everyone coming between your OTP is evil and must die, die die. So Lynda fancied the Doctor, Adam flirted with Rose, the Doctor breathed on Jabe and Jack is a walking proposition for sex. And you don't like it, because you want Rose and the Doctor to hook up. But life isn't a simple TWUWUB cruise lane. You meet various people and some you might feel an attraction to even if you're deeply in love with another person. It happens. It doesn't make the person you're attracted to an evil slut/bitch/closeted-gay/wanker/turd/Devil Incarnate. What it can make for, is interesting complications.
What's Harry doing in this fic? (Aka, easy on the Caps Lock there, Buster.) Oooh, dramatic confrontation! And people are getting pissed! And it feels like one exclamation mark is just not enough for how dramatic you want it, so you have more!!! And then that doesn't feel enough either, SO YOU CAPITALIZE IT, BECAUSE IT IS *THAT* TENSE!!!! AND THEN YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT TENSION, SO THE CAPS LOCK STAYS AND STAYS AND STAYS... And your readers run away, screaming. Oy. Sometimes, trust that the words do it on their own, yeah? You don't need Caps Lock to mark how pissed off a character is - body-language, facial expressions, eye-contact - all these can do a finer job than an Caps Lock rant that hurts to read.
"If I don't get three gazillion good reviews, I won't write another chapter, neerheer!" Oh, classy. Trying to hold the fic ransom for reviews, are you? Hey, everyone likes reviews. I do too. But don't act like a brat. Some people prefer to review at the end. Some people prefer just to read. Some people don't want to tell you just how horrid they found your fic. Some can never think of what to say. Either way, demanding reviews as due for your genius is unlikely to endear you to potential reviewers.
And you do want to be loved - don't you?
misscam hmm. I have ranted quite a bit now. Maybe it's enough for this time
lotus79 ranty mcrantenstein
misscam I am too
*ponders doing a CSI one*
Oi! Doctor Who Fanfic Writers! A moment of your time, please - again.
(Not all of this will apply to all of you and indeed, some of you may be utterly brilliant and not bugger up on any of these issues and if so, I probably kiss your feet and leave nice reviews for your stories. If I don't, remind me I should.)
Spoilers for the 2005 series. Rather fandom specific, but some applies to fanfic in general. As usual, I go on for a bit.
You are not Rose. Rose is not you. Rose might have similarities with you, and you might relate to her, but she is not you. She's not going to always react to things how you would, or like the same things you do. Rose was not created by you. SHE IS NOT YOU. So don't write her like that. Okay?
G-A-L-L-I-F-R-E-Y It might not have been named in the new series, but that's the Doctor's home planet and that's how you spell it. The BBC says so, and you should listen to the BBC.
Sure are a lot of fics set in summer, eh? That thing you do to tell people what the story is about - it's summary, not summery.
So who's the president of England, then? A lot of Doctor Who takes place in the United Kingdom - which incidentally is not quite the same as England - and it helps to get a sense of the geography, society and form of government if your fanfic is set there too. Also, though the show is shot in Cardiff, Wales, not all episodes are set there. Don't confuse Wales with England unless you really, really want to get a work-out by running away from torch-carrying Welshmen.
Did I mention it also travels in time? TARDIS stands for Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space. Which makes it an acronym. Which means you capitalize all of it. The TARDIS. Just like United Nations becomes the UN, the United States becomes the US - you get the idea.
Doctor, the Sob of Gallifrey. No. Take a look at how the Doctor deals with grief - he gets confronted with the loss of his whole planet, he sheds on single tear. He sees (he thinks) Rose die, he more or less shuts down emotionally and goes still. He sees Jabe die, he gets pissed. This is not a man who weeps over how beautiful Rose looks in a dress, or how utterly excellent that orgasm was or that he got beaten up by Jackie. Okay?
"Ten STOLE Rose from Nine!!!!" Oh look, you just stole my sanity. I know I've been over this before, but I am forced to repeat myself. Nine and Ten are the *same guy*. IT'S STILL THE DOCTOR. Different incarnation, same guy. Different clothes, same guy. Different penis, same guy. New mole, same guy. New actor, same character. Are we all very, very, very crystal clear on this now?
Coupling, by the TARDIS. Yes, the TARDIS is sentient. Yes, the Doctor calls her a she and it's possible she is a romantic little time machine and enjoys watching some shagging going on. But she ain't running a dating service, you know what I'm saying?
Jackie, the Evil Overlady of Mum Concern. Yes, Jackie didn't seem all too fond of the Doctor at times. But before you make her the evilest evil that crawled out of the evil-hive, consider that maybe she has reason to. She hardly sees her daughter, she knows it's a dangerous life and the Ninth Doctor was not much one for polite chit-chat. She might be overprotective. She is not suddenly going to start laughing evilly and chain up the Doctor and force Rose to abort his baby and bring the Daleks around for tea.
Doctor Who Canon, the Yoga Master. Yes, Doctor Who Canon is bendy. What can you expect from a show that has a time machine that's bigger on the inside than the outside and contradicts itself on a weekly basis? That doesn't mean anything goes. Canon might be bendy, logic doesn't much like to stretch too far, or it snaps.
Old skool is a good school, as
dark_aegis says, and many would agree. There is after all decades worth of stuff and villains and plots that came before the new revived show, and some of it might look so interesting to you you'd like to include it in a story about the newer incarnations of the Doctor. And that's lovely. Until you fail to research the thing you're taking from old skool and mutilate it beyond recognition. That's not so lovely. Research in general is gold. Research when you borrow from episodes people remember is a *requirement*. Unless you enjoy getting smacked with facts, that is.The Last Time Lord? Not anymore! Oh, so you made Rose a Time Lord? Bzzzt! Wrong! Try again. You made Rose Gallifreyan. To become a Time Lord, she would have to attend an academy at Gallifrey, and Gallifrey has gone boom. (Though Canon might also suggest it's the title of an hereditary, artistocratic class - but again, that went gone boom-boom with Gallifrey.) The babies of Rose and the Doctor - and you do seem to fond of giving them many, many babies - wouldn't automatically be Time Lords either. For one thing, they would at least be half-human. (Incidentally, the whole Rose-becoming-like-the-Doctor plot is getting a little worn. If you don't have a radical new approach to it, maybe it could rest, just for a little while?)
- ETA: This point, Canon debateable. Which just goes to show what a mad world Doctor Who is. Look at all the stuff you can swim in!
And here's the latest from the shag - the Doctor is two fingers down and Rose is massaging the balls, getting ready for her shot at the wicket... Oh, lovely. The Doctor is getting laid again. I'm sure he's extatic knowing how much he's getting in fanfic, but... This ain't cricket. So why are you giving us a play-by-play, with updated scores as we go? I mean, on the face of it, sex is a very simple concept. It generally involves a penis and a vagina, or occasionally two penises or two vaginas, or kinkingly two vaginas and a penis or two penises and a vagina. (Anything beyond that, write Penthouse.) Most people know how it goes, even if they haven't gotten around to bring the theory into practice yet. (And if they don't know, they shouldn't be reading it - and certainly not write it.) There is no need to write a sex scene in the style of IKEA assembly instructions. "He rubbed her clitoris. This made her wet. She touched his penis. That made him hard." Some like their sex more detailed than others, granted, but how about telling us a bit of how the sex makes the characters feel? If there is nothing emotional from the characters at all, it might as well be Tony Blair having sex with Laura Bush as the Doctor doing over Rose. To quote
lotus79, "good smut you should feel from the inside"."Can be any Doctor or any Companion." Oh, so you're leaving it up to me to decide who the characters in this fic are? Well, how kind of you. Pardon me for asking though - but just how interchangable are the various incarnations of the Doctor? Would One do as Eight? Would Nine shag like Five? And what about the companions? Would Tegan talk like Susan? Would Rose dress like Sarah Jane? Would K-9 kiss like Adric? No? Then if it can be any Doctor or any Companion, it's not a fic with any characterisation at all, now is it?
Not everyone coming between your OTP is evil and must die, die die. So Lynda fancied the Doctor, Adam flirted with Rose, the Doctor breathed on Jabe and Jack is a walking proposition for sex. And you don't like it, because you want Rose and the Doctor to hook up. But life isn't a simple TWUWUB cruise lane. You meet various people and some you might feel an attraction to even if you're deeply in love with another person. It happens. It doesn't make the person you're attracted to an evil slut/bitch/closeted-gay/wanker/turd/Devil Incarnate. What it can make for, is interesting complications.
What's Harry doing in this fic? (Aka, easy on the Caps Lock there, Buster.) Oooh, dramatic confrontation! And people are getting pissed! And it feels like one exclamation mark is just not enough for how dramatic you want it, so you have more!!! And then that doesn't feel enough either, SO YOU CAPITALIZE IT, BECAUSE IT IS *THAT* TENSE!!!! AND THEN YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT TENSION, SO THE CAPS LOCK STAYS AND STAYS AND STAYS... And your readers run away, screaming. Oy. Sometimes, trust that the words do it on their own, yeah? You don't need Caps Lock to mark how pissed off a character is - body-language, facial expressions, eye-contact - all these can do a finer job than an Caps Lock rant that hurts to read.
"If I don't get three gazillion good reviews, I won't write another chapter, neerheer!" Oh, classy. Trying to hold the fic ransom for reviews, are you? Hey, everyone likes reviews. I do too. But don't act like a brat. Some people prefer to review at the end. Some people prefer just to read. Some people don't want to tell you just how horrid they found your fic. Some can never think of what to say. Either way, demanding reviews as due for your genius is unlikely to endear you to potential reviewers.
And you do want to be loved - don't you?
misscam hmm. I have ranted quite a bit now. Maybe it's enough for this timelotus79 ranty mcrantensteinmisscam I am too*ponders doing a CSI one*
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 09:36 am (UTC)As a Tom Baker/Peter Davison era Who-fan (yay for Adric!)... just the very thought of somebody even coming close to thinking that way hurts my brain and makes grown Cybermen cry.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 09:37 am (UTC)But still, Adric or K-9 kissing anyone, yeuch!no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 09:39 am (UTC)*snerk*
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 09:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 09:51 am (UTC)Don't they deserve some snogging now? Huh?no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 09:54 am (UTC)And with that, this officially became the Best Rant EverTM.
But yeah, so very, very word, on all of this.
Oh, and on the subject of Jackie, the Evil Overlady of Mum Concern, go take a look at this fic by
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 09:54 am (UTC)But Adric is far too young for that sort of thing, and K-9 would say it is unnecessaryno subject
Date: 2006-01-22 10:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 10:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 10:21 am (UTC)This entry has me in stitches!
But... This ain't cricket. So why are you giving us a play-by-play, with updated scores as we go?
There is no need to write a sex scene in the style of IKEA assembly instructions.
Would K-9 kiss like Adric?
And thanks to all these mental images, my brain's now officially broken...
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 10:53 am (UTC)I ranted about that very thing on
One can't hold much hope for a fic when not only is the summary full of spelling errors, the fannit can't even spell the word "summary" right. Le sigh...
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 10:54 am (UTC)This was brilliant, all of it, every little bit, and was particularly well timed for me as I spent the wee hours of yesterday morn when I couldn't sleep poking around in ff.net and some of the scarier bits of Teaspoon. Yes, I even braved Rose-wants-to-save-Jesus. Of course, now I want to *die*, but there you go.
I really loved this bit: Coupling, by the TARDIS. Yes, the TARDIS is sentient. Yes, the Doctor calls her a she and it's possible she is a romantic little time machine and enjoys watching some shagging going on. But she ain't running a dating service, you know what I'm saying?, as it was a very similar thought that made me write one of my fics - 'cause I just couldn't see how anyone would like to have a telepathic time machine messing about with their heads.
Oooh, dramatic confrontation! And people are getting pissed! And it feels like one exclamation mark is just not enough for how dramatic you want it, so you have more!!! And then that doesn't feel enough either, SO YOU CAPITALIZE IT, BECAUSE IT IS *THAT* TENSE!!!! AND THEN YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT TENSION, SO THE CAPS LOCK STAYS AND STAYS AND STAYS... I just about fell off my chair.
Thank you for a wonderful rant and the first real belly laugh I've enjoyed in quite awhile.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 10:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 11:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 11:28 am (UTC)("OMGZORZOZROPZ!" says the GSR fandom whilst reading said possible rant, "she's totally totally totally AGAINST US! Turn caps lock on to HIGH and rant radar onto INCOHERANT!")
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 11:47 am (UTC)It is far too early in the morning for my brain to process this sentence properly. For that, I am eternally grateful.
Excellent rant, filled with many things I have shouted at my computer screen. Only when you say them, they sound intelligent and funny. *g*
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 11:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 11:54 am (UTC)Alaywas nice to get a fic written for you though, ne?
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 11:55 am (UTC)Hee, love your icon.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 11:59 am (UTC)I quite know what you mean. When the banana peel has heaps of black spots, I'm not holding up much hope for the banana inside, y'know?
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 12:03 pm (UTC)Anyway, thanks - and you dared all of the Jesus fic? Now that earns some admiration, as that fic burnsss, precious. With stomach acid.
What fic was that, anyway?
no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 12:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 12:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 12:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-22 12:11 pm (UTC)And your icon is adorable to infinity.