Cam's Open Letter to Doctor Who Fanfic Writers, part the second

[misscam]

The first letter

Oi! Doctor Who Fanfic Writers! A moment of your time, please - again.

(Not all of this will apply to all of you and indeed, some of you may be utterly brilliant and not bugger up on any of these issues and if so, I probably kiss your feet and leave nice reviews for your stories. If I don't, remind me I should.)

Spoilers for the 2005 series. Rather fandom specific, but some applies to fanfic in general. As usual, I go on for a bit.

You are not Rose. Rose is not you. Rose might have similarities with you, and you might relate to her, but she is not you. She's not going to always react to things how you would, or like the same things you do. Rose was not created by you. SHE IS NOT YOU. So don't write her like that. Okay?

G-A-L-L-I-F-R-E-Y It might not have been named in the new series, but that's the Doctor's home planet and that's how you spell it. The BBC says so, and you should listen to the BBC.

Sure are a lot of fics set in summer, eh? That thing you do to tell people what the story is about - it's summary, not summery.

So who's the president of England, then? A lot of Doctor Who takes place in the United Kingdom - which incidentally is not quite the same as England - and it helps to get a sense of the geography, society and form of government if your fanfic is set there too. Also, though the show is shot in Cardiff, Wales, not all episodes are set there. Don't confuse Wales with England unless you really, really want to get a work-out by running away from torch-carrying Welshmen.

Did I mention it also travels in time? TARDIS stands for Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space. Which makes it an acronym. Which means you capitalize all of it. The TARDIS. Just like United Nations becomes the UN, the United States becomes the US - you get the idea.

Doctor, the Sob of Gallifrey. No. Take a look at how the Doctor deals with grief - he gets confronted with the loss of his whole planet, he sheds on single tear. He sees (he thinks) Rose die, he more or less shuts down emotionally and goes still. He sees Jabe die, he gets pissed. This is not a man who weeps over how beautiful Rose looks in a dress, or how utterly excellent that orgasm was or that he got beaten up by Jackie. Okay?

"Ten STOLE Rose from Nine!!!!" Oh look, you just stole my sanity. I know I've been over this before, but I am forced to repeat myself. Nine and Ten are the *same guy*. IT'S STILL THE DOCTOR. Different incarnation, same guy. Different clothes, same guy. Different penis, same guy. New mole, same guy. New actor, same character. Are we all very, very, very crystal clear on this now?

Coupling, by the TARDIS. Yes, the TARDIS is sentient. Yes, the Doctor calls her a she and it's possible she is a romantic little time machine and enjoys watching some shagging going on. But she ain't running a dating service, you know what I'm saying?

Jackie, the Evil Overlady of Mum Concern. Yes, Jackie didn't seem all too fond of the Doctor at times. But before you make her the evilest evil that crawled out of the evil-hive, consider that maybe she has reason to. She hardly sees her daughter, she knows it's a dangerous life and the Ninth Doctor was not much one for polite chit-chat. She might be overprotective. She is not suddenly going to start laughing evilly and chain up the Doctor and force Rose to abort his baby and bring the Daleks around for tea.

Doctor Who Canon, the Yoga Master. Yes, Doctor Who Canon is bendy. What can you expect from a show that has a time machine that's bigger on the inside than the outside and contradicts itself on a weekly basis? That doesn't mean anything goes. Canon might be bendy, logic doesn't much like to stretch too far, or it snaps.

Old skool is a good school, as dark_aegis says, and many would agree. There is after all decades worth of stuff and villains and plots that came before the new revived show, and some of it might look so interesting to you you'd like to include it in a story about the newer incarnations of the Doctor. And that's lovely. Until you fail to research the thing you're taking from old skool and mutilate it beyond recognition. That's not so lovely. Research in general is gold. Research when you borrow from episodes people remember is a *requirement*. Unless you enjoy getting smacked with facts, that is.

The Last Time Lord? Not anymore! Oh, so you made Rose a Time Lord? Bzzzt! Wrong! Try again. You made Rose Gallifreyan. To become a Time Lord, she would have to attend an academy at Gallifrey, and Gallifrey has gone boom. (Though Canon might also suggest it's the title of an hereditary, artistocratic class - but again, that went gone boom-boom with Gallifrey.) The babies of Rose and the Doctor - and you do seem to fond of giving them many, many babies - wouldn't automatically be Time Lords either. For one thing, they would at least be half-human. (Incidentally, the whole Rose-becoming-like-the-Doctor plot is getting a little worn. If you don't have a radical new approach to it, maybe it could rest, just for a little while?)
- ETA: This point, Canon debateable. Which just goes to show what a mad world Doctor Who is. Look at all the stuff you can swim in!

And here's the latest from the shag - the Doctor is two fingers down and Rose is massaging the balls, getting ready for her shot at the wicket... Oh, lovely. The Doctor is getting laid again. I'm sure he's extatic knowing how much he's getting in fanfic, but... This ain't cricket. So why are you giving us a play-by-play, with updated scores as we go? I mean, on the face of it, sex is a very simple concept. It generally involves a penis and a vagina, or occasionally two penises or two vaginas, or kinkingly two vaginas and a penis or two penises and a vagina. (Anything beyond that, write Penthouse.) Most people know how it goes, even if they haven't gotten around to bring the theory into practice yet. (And if they don't know, they shouldn't be reading it - and certainly not write it.) There is no need to write a sex scene in the style of IKEA assembly instructions. "He rubbed her clitoris. This made her wet. She touched his penis. That made him hard." Some like their sex more detailed than others, granted, but how about telling us a bit of how the sex makes the characters feel? If there is nothing emotional from the characters at all, it might as well be Tony Blair having sex with Laura Bush as the Doctor doing over Rose. To quote lotus79, "good smut you should feel from the inside".

"Can be any Doctor or any Companion." Oh, so you're leaving it up to me to decide who the characters in this fic are? Well, how kind of you. Pardon me for asking though - but just how interchangable are the various incarnations of the Doctor? Would One do as Eight? Would Nine shag like Five? And what about the companions? Would Tegan talk like Susan? Would Rose dress like Sarah Jane? Would K-9 kiss like Adric? No? Then if it can be any Doctor or any Companion, it's not a fic with any characterisation at all, now is it?

Not everyone coming between your OTP is evil and must die, die die. So Lynda fancied the Doctor, Adam flirted with Rose, the Doctor breathed on Jabe and Jack is a walking proposition for sex. And you don't like it, because you want Rose and the Doctor to hook up. But life isn't a simple TWUWUB cruise lane. You meet various people and some you might feel an attraction to even if you're deeply in love with another person. It happens. It doesn't make the person you're attracted to an evil slut/bitch/closeted-gay/wanker/turd/Devil Incarnate. What it can make for, is interesting complications.

What's Harry doing in this fic? (Aka, easy on the Caps Lock there, Buster.) Oooh, dramatic confrontation! And people are getting pissed! And it feels like one exclamation mark is just not enough for how dramatic you want it, so you have more!!! And then that doesn't feel enough either, SO YOU CAPITALIZE IT, BECAUSE IT IS *THAT* TENSE!!!! AND THEN YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT TENSION, SO THE CAPS LOCK STAYS AND STAYS AND STAYS... And your readers run away, screaming. Oy. Sometimes, trust that the words do it on their own, yeah? You don't need Caps Lock to mark how pissed off a character is - body-language, facial expressions, eye-contact - all these can do a finer job than an Caps Lock rant that hurts to read.

"If I don't get three gazillion good reviews, I won't write another chapter, neerheer!" Oh, classy. Trying to hold the fic ransom for reviews, are you? Hey, everyone likes reviews. I do too. But don't act like a brat. Some people prefer to review at the end. Some people prefer just to read. Some people don't want to tell you just how horrid they found your fic. Some can never think of what to say. Either way, demanding reviews as due for your genius is unlikely to endear you to potential reviewers.

And you do want to be loved - don't you?

misscam hmm. I have ranted quite a bit now. Maybe it's enough for this time
lotus79 ranty mcrantenstein
misscam I am too

*ponders doing a CSI one*

Comments

[kahva.livejournal.com]

"Ten STOLE Rose from Nine!!!!"


As a Tom Baker/Peter Davison era Who-fan (yay for Adric!)... just the very thought of somebody even coming close to thinking that way hurts my brain and makes grown Cybermen cry.

[lotus79.livejournal.com]

But, but, but... Five STOLE Adric from Four!!!!

*snerk*

[lotus79.livejournal.com]

I do so love when you rant and quote me. :D

But still, Adric or K-9 kissing anyone, yeuch!

[misscam.livejournal.com]

You attention wanter, you.

Don't they deserve some snogging now? Huh?

[drakyndra.livejournal.com]

Would K-9 kiss like Adric?

And with that, this officially became the Best Rant Ever^TM.

But yeah, so very, very word, on all of this.

Oh, and on the subject of Jackie, the Evil Overlady of Mum Concern, go take a look at this fic by saganamidreams. I am currently in the process of writing a nice long review for it, seeing as she wrote it for me and all...

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Oooh. *bookmarks* I need to catch up on goodfic. Sniffle.

Alaywas nice to get a fic written for you though, ne?

[aervir.livejournal.com]

*rotfl*

This entry has me in stitches!

But... This ain't cricket. So why are you giving us a play-by-play, with updated scores as we go?

There is no need to write a sex scene in the style of IKEA assembly instructions.

Would K-9 kiss like Adric?

And thanks to all these mental images, my brain's now officially broken...

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Would you like some glue?

Hee, love your icon.

[kahva.livejournal.com]

Sure are a lot of fics set in summer, eh? That thing you do to tell people what the story is about - it's summary, not summery.

I ranted about that very thing on fanficrants a while back. It gets so very confusing when I'm told that there's a "full summery inside", yet I find the fic is set in the wintertime. ;)

One can't hold much hope for a fic when not only is the summary full of spelling errors, the fannit can't even spell the word "summary" right. Le sigh...

[misscam.livejournal.com]

What a season cheat, truly ;)

I quite know what you mean. When the banana peel has heaps of black spots, I'm not holding up much hope for the banana inside, y'know?

[cantralian.livejournal.com]

Oh woman, you slay me - you really, really do. It was a day of wonder and joy for everyone who loves Doctor Who when you came over to this fandom, and I'm seriously grateful that you did. Whomever first put you on to Doctor Who needs to be showered with praise and laud and laurel wreaths.

This was brilliant, all of it, every little bit, and was particularly well timed for me as I spent the wee hours of yesterday morn when I couldn't sleep poking around in ff.net and some of the scarier bits of Teaspoon. Yes, I even braved Rose-wants-to-save-Jesus. Of course, now I want to *die*, but there you go.

I really loved this bit: Coupling, by the TARDIS. Yes, the TARDIS is sentient. Yes, the Doctor calls her a she and it's possible she is a romantic little time machine and enjoys watching some shagging going on. But she ain't running a dating service, you know what I'm saying?, as it was a very similar thought that made me write one of my fics - 'cause I just couldn't see how anyone would like to have a telepathic time machine messing about with their heads.

Oooh, dramatic confrontation! And people are getting pissed! And it feels like one exclamation mark is just not enough for how dramatic you want it, so you have more!!! And then that doesn't feel enough either, SO YOU CAPITALIZE IT, BECAUSE IT IS *THAT* TENSE!!!! AND THEN YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT TENSION, SO THE CAPS LOCK STAYS AND STAYS AND STAYS... I just about fell off my chair.

Thank you for a wonderful rant and the first real belly laugh I've enjoyed in quite awhile.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

I believe it was lovely NRK, Norway's public channel, who showed a trailer for Doctor Who and made me decide to watch since, ZOMG, DALEKS!

Anyway, thanks - and you dared all of the Jesus fic? Now that earns some admiration, as that fic burnsss, precious. With stomach acid.

What fic was that, anyway?

[falena]

*applauds*

[binglexjells.livejournal.com]

Tony Blair and Laura Bush? Good lord - do I even want to ask what you were thinking?!

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Well, I was gonna say Blair and Bush, but that would've been two penises in action and not like Rose and the Doctor, so I went with the Bush vagina instead.

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

Good lord, if you did a CSI one, you could quite possibly be burnt at the Fandom Stake for, well, sticking it to the shit. _{which means you have to do it.}

("OMGZORZOZROPZ!" says the GSR fandom whilst reading said possible rant, "she's totally totally totally AGAINST US! Turn caps lock on to HIGH and rant radar onto INCOHERANT!")

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Oh, trust me, if I did it for CSI, it wouldn't be just GSR getting some attention. I've read almost every pairing there is fanfic for in CSI fandom. And hoo boy, would "bashing the threat to your OTP" get it. I hate it with the passion of a thousand supernovas, even when it's done to characters I might not personally like.

[that_mireille]

Would K-9 kiss like Adric?

It is far too early in the morning for my brain to process this sentence properly. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Excellent rant, filled with many things I have shouted at my computer screen. Only when you say them, they sound intelligent and funny. *g*

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Now, now, there's nothing like ranting to wake you up in the morning. I can recommend it.

[doona-rose.livejournal.com]

Right now I am unbelievably happy that I’ve never had the Doctor crying, never misspelled Gallifrey or summary and have always treated the word ‘TARDIS’ as an acronym. And, hopefully, I’ve never broken any of the other rules as right now, this list is the textbook on writing DW fic.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Heh. Well, rules can be broken very sucessfully, as many authors have shown. Heck, Tolkien broke almost every rule there was on narrative, and he's one of the most read authors out there. But it helps to know them and thus what effect you get when you break them - otherwise, your story is just all over the place. Know what you're doing is ever the key, me thinks.

And your icon is adorable to infinity.

[belegcuthalion.livejournal.com]

There is no need to write a sex scene in the style of IKEA assembly instructions.

Or if you do, make sure to fix all the loose parts with the enclosed socket wrench first to keep them from falling off.

*falls over, shrieking with laughter*

I've never seen Dr. Who, and I find the whole fandom rather confusing, but this was great. Do a CSI-version, okay? Pweeease?

[misscam.livejournal.com]

"Insert penis firmly into vagina. Thrust until desired result. Caress the nipples if further assembly is needed. Enjoy your Orgasm (TM) and don't forget to check back for our new range in cuddling."

I shall take it into consideration.

[irreparable.livejournal.com]

(Here via WhoDaily)

Ah, it's just another day in Harry Potter fandom.

...wait, this is DW? Say it ain't so!

*snerk* Sorry, but so much of your rant I've seen aplenty in HP. Unfortunately, due to DT's appearance in the latest HP flick, I think a lot of the HP fans are, er, migrating? >_

[evilstorm.livejournal.com]

O_o Migratory patterns of fen, from fandom to fandom, as the wank decreases and increases from place to place. Seriously, though...they're coming over? Oh lawd it's the end of the world, cos whilst I understand that there are some wonderful people in the HP fandom, iiiittt kinda also has the most batshit of any fandom I've known. And, I mean, if there are DT fans coming over, there are no doubt those who fantasize about Barty Crouch Jr among them, and I'm not sure that they're paragons of sanity or even common sense...

(Like I'm one to talk, but shhh.)

[calapine.livejournal.com]

I love this rant and it makes many, many fabulous points. But I'm going to be evil and nitpick and please don't kill me:

Which makes it an acronym. Which means you capitalize all of it. The TARDIS.

Twasn't originally. The first Target novelisations had it spelt Tardis. And some people leave it like that. Cause it looks nicer. Apparently.

Oh, so you made Rose a Time Lord? Bzzzt! Wrong! Try again. You made Rose Gallifreyan. To become a Time Lord, she would have to attend an academy at Gallifrey, and Gallifrey has gone boom.

S'not strictly true. Whilst it can be interpreted that while not all Gallifreyans are Time Lords, all Time Lords are Gallifreyan and you have to go through some kind of process to become a Time Lord it's never been out right said.

Indeed, in The Five Doctors, Chanceller Flavia speaks of, "our Time Lord race."

And...and (this is the really, really ungood bit, cause I've never seen this idea done well in fic ever) Ace does become a Time Lord on the BBCi audio, Death Comes to Time without going to the Academy or such. Ahem. It's this sort of thing that means I only take what is on the telly as strict canon.

*cough* But, yes, tis a marvellous rant indeed, though mention of Tony Blair and Laura Bush and sex is going to have me in FEAR and TERROR for the rest of the day. :P

[dark-aegis.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...I vaguely recall that there were some non-Gallifreyan Time Lords. But, this is my brain going over the hundreds of New Adventures, BBC novelizations, audios, and episodes. It's quite possible that I recall incorrectly. I just remember that the Seventh Doctor wanted Ace to become a Time Lord (referring to Lungbarrow and not the audio since I've never listened to it).

But otherwise, agree completely. :)

[neth-dugan.livejournal.com]

Brilliant rant, new schooler, but heck I loved it anyway. The TARDIS thing confused me because yes it was an acronym but I'd also seen it in a fair few places as Tardis. Guess I know now huh?

But loved this, the "Ten STOLE Rose from Nine!!!!" section - priceless (here insert mastercard advert). Exactly! He can't steal something that's already 'his', or atached to him, as I wouldn't say Rose belongs to anyone, any regeneration. I fell about laughing at this, because it's so damn true!

The Caps Lock section, definately. There's a time and a place for the use of Caps Lock, and that time does not extend for more than a couple second (unless you're taking the mick).


As for the 'Cardiff is in Enlgand!' I saw that fic! Cardiff was right next to London in it, and I was staring at it blankly, think I might have tried to give the writter a map or something.

It is a good point about the Gallifrey/Time Lord thing, a mistake to many people fall to. Though to be fair, the impression you get at 'End of the World' is that the Time Lords are a race on their own, and as been mentioned they were refered to by that ruling body bloke (aparently name Flavia) in Five Doctors (one of the first classic series episodes I saw). Anybody know what's going on there? But yeah, being a Gallifreyan doesn't make you a Time Lord/Lady. Easy mistake for newbies though.



Ahem, yes. Loved it all, especially the image of K-9 trying to kiss the Doctor, and the TARDIS looking in, metaphorically speaking. *g*

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

To become a Time Lord, she would have to attend an academy at Gallifrey

Could you quote from canon to back this up? I'm not sure a clear definition of "Time Lord" has ever been given.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Speaking of Time Lords: note the space between the two words, and the two capital letters, scribblers all. Not Timelord, nor timelord, whatever the newspapers may misprint.

[fondued-jicama.livejournal.com]

OMG! HIS NOSE!

*Grins* I never noticed before. Thanks for pointing it out. Not that it's easy to miss someone's nose unless it is, in fact, missing from someone's face. And perhaps you're pointing it out because you do not like his nose. But I do.

Sorry for all of that. =D

Kill the spare!

[trobadora]

Lovely rant! Especially the summery summaries and the CAPSLOCK OF DOOM.

I'd like to offer an addition: If there's currently more than one companion travelling with the Doctor, killing off the one "in the way" of your chosen pairing really isn't necessary. You might not believe this, but people manage to hook up all the time with other people around them. No, really. ;-)

(I've seen way too many "kill the spare" stories where the spare wasn't evil but got a tragic death, and the grieving survivors then... well, you get the picture.)

[jadelennox]

who_dailying in:

Thank you. Thank you so very much.

What I find fascinating about all the new bad DW fic is that, in a fandom which has been The Most Wanky™ for decades, the old skool scary fans who asplode all over usenet whenever someone questions their wisdom haven't tied up all the newbies writing the kind of fic you describe, covered them in honey, and left them on anthills. Which would be awesome, because then the scary old skool fans would get arrested and fandom would be left for the rest of us.

[wendymr.livejournal.com]

Absolutely brilliant! *applauds*

And thank you for, this time, taking on the 'Rose becomes a Time Lord' stories! Though most of the authors seem to decide that she has to be a Time 'Lady'. *rollseyes* The worst examples are when there's no other explanation for it but that the TARDIS feels so sorry for the poor Doctor who's all alone and so she decides to turn Rose into a Time Lady by some mysterious process which is never completely explained. And thank you, too, for pointing out the distinction between Gallifreyans and Time Lords! *genuflects*

English/British customs: can I add that there is no such celebration as Thanksgiving in most of the known universe?

Nice one. As always. Keep it up!

[speshulduck.livejournal.com]

G-A-L-L-I-F-R-E-Y

There's this whole big beautiful rant, and what do I have to give the biggest WORD to? Spelling. And also maybe the OTP interference. Gah, people are stupid. I vote we start a Doctor Who badfic mocking community or something. I think it will help with your rant syndrome ;)

[calixa.livejournal.com]

YEAH!!

[nostalgia-lj.livejournal.com]

You are not Rose. Rose is not you. Rose might have similarities with you, and you might relate to her, but she is not you. She's not going to always react to things how you would, or like the same things you do. Rose was not created by you. SHE IS NOT YOU. So don't write her like that. Okay?

I've been wondering today about how many of the iffy moments in fandom come from over-identification with Rose. (As well as some of the good things, because how much of the regeneration!angst fic comes from the writer wondering if they really do love the new one as much?) I do reckon it's deliberate in that at some point a decision was made that the audience should be seeing themselves as Rose to a fairly huge extent. Bashing in fic seems to be directed at people who are mean to Rose or who threaten the OTP. Cos, hey, not seen much in the way of bashing the Dalek Emperor, y'know? And come to think of it surprisingly little in the way of "omg the Time Lords were mean to my poor woobie!"



(She said, over-identifying with Ace...)

[gwynnega]

Would K-9 kiss like Adric?

Heeeeeeee. Wonderful rant!

[dallista.livejournal.com]

Thanks for putting some big smiles on my face. It'd be even funnier if it's all a big joke and this sort of thing doesn't actually happen in most Ninth Doctor fanfics... :-(

[wendymr.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know about 'most' - I've read many excellent Nine fics, including those by lotus79, dark_aegis, saganamidreams, taralcj, casira and misscam herself, and many more, in which they don't happen. I kind of hope I don't do it either... ;)