Fictional Character Letters

[misscam]

Work dull. Entertain me?

Leave a list of fictional characters in your journal that you would love to get a message from. Your f- and f-of-list's mission, should they choose to
accept it, is to write you an in-character "letter" from a character on that list. Then they post their own list in their journal and the process continues!

- The Doctor (Doctor Who)
- The Daleks (Doctor Who)
- Gil Grissom (CSI)
- Warrick (CSI)
- Lord Elrond (Lord of the Rings)
- Legolas (Lord of the Rings)
- Morgoth (Lord of the Rings)
- Galadriel (Lord of the Rings)
- Neville Longbottom (Harry Potter)
- Bush (Real Life)
- The Brain (Pinky and the Brain)
- Marvin (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
- Arthur Dent (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
- Kosh (Babylon 5)
- Arnold Judas Rimmer (Red Dwarf)
- Death (Discworld)
- Vetinari (Discworld)

Comments

[nymeria.livejournal.com]

HELLO "CAM"

THIS 'COMPUTER' CONTRAPTION IS AN INGENIUS THING, ISN'T IT? I WILL HAVE TO GET ONE INSTALLED AT HOME. DO 'COMPUTERS' COME IN BLACK WITH SKULLS ON? I WONDER HOW THEY GET ALL THE BOOKS IN THE LITTLE GLOWING BOX, LET ALONE THE IMPS. MAGIC, PERHAPS?

YOURS, DEATH

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Just don't go surfing for porn too much, now.

Love, Cam

[speshulduck.livejournal.com]

misscam;

Brain the size of a planet, and what do you want me to do? Write you a letter. Stuck on a ship of people who want me to run and fetch each other; I suppose I can spare the infinitesimal millisecond this will take . I hope your life isn't as terribly dull as mine is, because if anyone else had to feel like I do they'd probably kill themselves. Doors "oooh"ing and "ahhh"ing all over the place is bad enough; they're actually programmed for job satisfaction.

This is all going to end very badly.

-Marvin

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Cheer up, emo robot.

Love, Cam

[(Anonymous)]

Miss Cam,

I understand that you are in contact with the being known as 'Death'. Please find enclosed a map. I must ask that you and Death make your way to the laboratory marked on it at midnight tomorrow. I have an idea that I think may interest you.

Tell nobody where you are going.

Yours,
'The Brain', Scientist.

('DEFINITELY NOT A MOUSE' is scrawled in an entirely different hand at the bottom of the letter.)

[misscam.livejournal.com]

So if you're not a mouse, can I bring my cat?

Love, Cam

[cadiliniel.livejournal.com]

Dear Miss Cam,

I hear that you are well aquainted with various doctors. A book has come into my possession, by a doctor. Who, you ask? Therein lies my problem. The author is merely 'Dr.' I was wondering if you would have any idea as to who this mysterious author is. Any help would be much appreciated, as I need to ask him to explain one of his theories about fire ants, which would help greatly with a case I'm currently working. Unfortunately, I can't divulge any more to you than that.

Thank you very much,

Regards,

Dr. Gil Grissom, Las Vegas Crime Lab

[misscam.livejournal.com]

I might.

You haven't spotted any blue police boxes around of late, by any chance?

Helpful as ever,
Cam

[dawning-star.livejournal.com]

Dear misscam,

I regret that I did not receive your notice until just recently; a series of cases have proven very distracting. I must confess to some puzzlement regarding apparent developments--do you know why some are insisting I express interest in a 'spork'? I do appreciate beautiful women, yes, but Sara the beauty that surrounds me remains out of grasp, much like butterflies. I accept this. What other choice do I have?

If I can be of further assistance, do not hesitate to ask.
Sincerely,
Gil Grissom

[misscam.livejournal.com]

This is because the writers are on crack.

Love and a tad of pity,
Cam

yay for shallow portrayals of the leader of the most powerful country in the world? :D

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Miss Camilla,

I've been hearing some uncomplimentariarity things about my leaderieship of my country from this here blog thingy. I'm takin' time out of busy day playin' Pong on my ol' computer here to correctify you of a few things.

1. There were wmds. There were! nobody's looked hard enough, is all.
2. Iraq was a major stepping point in our campaign in the war against terror. Do you know what terror is, Camillela? It's like bein' frightenated - no, scarificated - but more so. An' it's America's job to stamp out terror in the modern age, says Colon.
3. I in no way resemble a monkey. I am a human bein', not a primape primapius or whatever them there chimps are called.
4. I did not have sex with that woman, Osama Bin Ladin.

Now that I've got the record straightenated, I wish you luck in whatever field you chose to work in.

George W Bush (Jnr)
President of the United States of America

PS: Whereabouts is Norwayland, anyway?

Re: yay for shallow portrayals of the leader of the most powerful country in the world? :D

[cactus-wren.livejournal.com]

*falls out of chair, laughing hysterically* 'scarificated' and 'frightenated', George? This letter makes me even more terrifinated that you are the leader of this country. *wipes tears of laughter away*

[boz4pm.livejournal.com]

My dear Miss Camilla,

Just a short note to thank you for the chocolates you sent. Most delicious. I had a hard time keeping them to myself, truth be told. Elladan very nearly scoffed the lot and Glorfindel ate all the strawberry creams.

Please find enclosed a packet of my mother-in-laws flapjacks. You expressed an interest in your letter for some of her 'lembas' and she kindly let me have a few. She sends her regards and was asking after you, incidentally. She asked me to thank you for the lutefisk and wonders if there's any particular way it should be grilled. If you could drop her a line, I'm sure she would be most grateful.

May Elbereth protect you, and my father shine down upon you.

Yours,

Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Imladris, son of Earendil

[misscam.livejournal.com]

I shall certainly get on it - though I fear grilling lutefisk might actually drive even Morgoth to wake up in the Void from the horror.

Find enclosed more chocolate, as well as whipped cream and strawberries.

Love,
Cam

[dalinae.livejournal.com]

Camsy,

Would you kindly refrain from indulging the natural instincts of your species (whichever that might be) and stop littering our SHARED sleeping quarters with half-written sheets of paper (I demand to know who that Elrond is - there is NO place for another smegging hologram aboard this ship, so forget that) and your miasmic food leftovers?

Whilst I realize having her woman's period might make one forget basic cohabitation rules, I doubt a single period in the history of humanity (with the exception of Bloody Mary Postlewaithe of Ipswich) has lasted for over five-and-a-half months and this excuse is getting tiresome.

Also, get Kryten to clean up said quarters, lickety-split.

Finally, bonvolo alsendi la pordiston, lausajne estas rano en mia bideo. So, make sure you keep that in mind.

Second Technician A. J. Rimmer B.S.S., S.S.S.

[dalinae.livejournal.com]

Dalinae would like it known that she does not share Mr. Rimmer's opinion of Miss Cam's species. She is well aware of the humanoidness of the latter. :-)

[ekwy.livejournal.com]

OUR LETTER IS FOR CAM ONLY.

Cam is an ally of the Daleks. The Bush administration has been exterminated. Your word must be kept! Bring us the Oncoming Storm!

Regards, The Daleks

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Call back later. I'm still shagging him.

Love, Cam

[crisiks.livejournal.com]

Dear Miss Cam,

how do you fare? All seems to be going well fairly bad in Middle-Earth, what with the strange tidings that come from the areas of Isengard and Minas Tirith. There are Hobbits and Dwarves in Rivendell, even! There's a shadow on my mind, and I fear there are dark times ahead. There are rumours of a dark power growing in the wastelands of Mordor, which can only indicate one thing.

It's with that in mind that I write to you. I understand that you're our most important liaison with the world you inhabit, and that it's your duty to let us meet with your culture, but I must press that you never, under no circumstances, send chocolate to Middle-Earth again.
Endorphin does strange things to Elves. I had only one piece before Elrond horded it all, but all of a sudden I find that I've agreed to go on a mission to destroy a Ring, together with two scruffy humans, four incapable hobbits, Mithrandir and an insufferable Dwarf. Elrond, the most wise Elrond, has agreed to this dangerous, fate-defying mission and Elladan and Glorfindel... let's not dwell on their endeavours.

Was pleasantly surprised by the lutefisk, though. Galadriel has been boasting endlessly about an intricate recipe involving it, and I must admit that I'm quite curious to see what it is.

Namarië,
Legolas "Greenleaf", son of Thranduil.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Dear Legolas,

trust me, you'll thank me later.

Don't shag Gimli too wildly, though. You'll wear him out.

Love, Cam

[knorg.livejournal.com]

From the hand of Bush:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v299/Knorg/LetterFromBush.gif

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Wow, as far as art goes, that's right up there with my stickmen porn, that is.

[velocityofsound.livejournal.com]

Cam,

Hey, girl. Listen, I've gone on a tilt lately, and I could use some hot sexing cheering up.

Catherine and my wife ran off together. Last I heard they were teaching strip aerobics together in LA. I've been having problems with my boss as he keeps insisting that I spank him. And I'm really at a point in my life when I want to explore the possibilities of a music career.

So, how would you like to go on tour with me? We could see the sights of Paris hot sexing, ride on a gondola in Venice hot sexing, and maybe even spend some time in Norway cold hot sexing. I've always found Norwegians intriguing.

If you are interested in wiping down my hot, sweaty body after each gig, in which I dedicate every lusty croon to you, baby I'd love to hear from you.

Take care of yourself,
Warrick

[dawning-star.livejournal.com]

You started it.

[falena]

Dear Miss Cam,

I just received your package.
I never got Muggle post before and apparently the postman had some problems with finding Hogwarts. Hermione says it's because if a Muggle approaches the castle, all they see is a mouldering ruin with a keep-out sign. She says she read it in Hogwarts: A History.

Anyway, thanks for the chocolates you sent. They were delicious; Trevor liked them too.

As for your request, I'm really sorry but I'm afraid I can't help you.
I do not know of any "mute-button" spell. (By the way, who is this Bush bloke you want to use the spell on? Never heard of him before. Ron says the name rings a bell. He reckons he must be some sort of Muggle comedian because, according to Mr. Weasley -- who's an expert on all things Muggle, Muggles seem to find this Bush person terribly funny).

Look, maybe I can ask Hermione to help me with this. She's the brightest witch in my year and she just loves doing research in the library. I'm sure she'll be able to come up with something.
I'll send you an owl as soon as I have any news.

All the best,
Neville

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Excellent. I look forward to it. Find more chocolate enclosed - this is a very special Norwegian batch.

Cam

P.S If JKR offs you, I'm so going after her hide. Don't you worry.

[(Anonymous)]

To Miss Cam

I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. Not that anyone cares. The girl tried to get my mind of things once, but it won't work, I have an exceptionally large mind.
Today I've been talking to the main computer. It hates me. I tried to make a suggestion to make it better, but it wouldn't listen. No one ever does.
I've been called to get follow some guests to the bridge. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take visitors to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't. Not that anyone cares.

Sincerely
Marvin

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Maybe you'd like to come work for Death? Nothing is as depressing as that.

Love, Cam

Havelock Speaks Up

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Miss Camilla,

I happened to hear that one of your plans for the future is a plot to achieve world domination. If you should turn out to be more foolish than I'd ever expected and stick with this plan (even though your charming country near the Northern rim of the Disc can't quite compete with the financial and diplomatic influence of Ankh-Morpork yet), you had better listen to my advice now.

In my opinion (which I would never dare to call humble), you are still lacking the necessary subtlety required by the ancient and honourable position of dictator.

For instance, I would never have announced in a public place that my employers and my current office are dull and uninspired. Instead, I would have already worked out a cunning plan to take over their company and then find a reason to throw them in a very deep dungeon. (Preferably not in the one I had have built for myself in times of crisis.)

And, yes, there is always a reason to punish people if it need be. Each and everyone is guilty of something, as my trusty (and easily manipulated) commander of the watch likes to remind me. Or, as I always say, there are neither good guys nor bad guys. There are just bad guys who happen to be on opposite sides.

Keep this in mind, and you might still succeed. One day. But I wouldn't advise such a talented and charming young lady like you to come anywhere near my city then. Unless you'd like to work for me, of course.

Yours, backstabbingly,
the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork

P.S. Start wearing black, too, but never try to look either cool or deliberately intimidating with your choice of clothes. Simply very, very serious.

Re: Havelock Speaks Up

[misscam.livejournal.com]

I shall take it under advisement. However, I have been wearing black since toddler stage and on our strange round planet, no one ever believes what you tell them. So, everyone just thinks I am cute for saying I want world domination and think no more on it. Being underestimated is a great help, as you would know.

This working for you, would it involve naughtiness as well?

Cam

[b2wm.livejournal.com]

Dear Miss Cam,

Muchly appreciated the packet of tea. Amazing, all the things we go through with this improbability drive and still not a single decent pot in all the Universe. Well, at least I can still get the BBC, from time to time, thanks to Earth Mark 2. The Guide covers that in further depth than the rest of the planet combined. "Mostly harmless," indeed...

Yours,

Arthur Dent

[misscam.livejournal.com]

The BBC loves you too, Arthur.

Cam

[wendymr.livejournal.com]

It's Camilla, right? Hello. I'm the Doctor. But then you already know that, don't you?

It's come to my attention - er, actually, Rose told me about it, but don't tell her I told you that; it'll only give her a swelled head and you know these little human apes, their brains can't take it. Anyway, as I was saying. It's come to my attention that you've been up to all sorts of things you shouldn't've. The internet's a dangerous thing, y'know. All sorts of rumours and innuendo flying around.

Reminds me. Got to keep Jack away from that computer. The one hooked up to NASA so I can keep track of what's going on on that planet of yours.

Anyway. All this stuff on the internet. Fascinating, isn't it? Fantastic, some of it. But what I came across - well, okay, Rose found - last night is just... Okay, okay. It's *theoretically* possible. Rose made me admit that. But as for *likely*... As if! Me shagging a future self? Well, okay, technically I wasn't shagging myself. We were both shagging Rose. And, okay, that's not exactly a prospect I'd run kicking and screaming from, but don't tell her I said that. Okay?

So. Okay. Look, I wouldn't mind so much if it was Jack. Though *don't tell him that!* But me and another me? Apart from the possibilities of paradoxes and all the other temporal dangers, it's just... nah. No *way*!

So, y'know, I'd be grateful if you could just forget that ever happened, all right?

(Though could be worse. You don't happen to know a Carmen Sandiego, do you? She seems to think that I actually got *kissed* by a future me!)

Anyway, got to run. Bye!

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Dear Doctor,

believe me when I say I've been trying to, but sadly, these people keep nagging me to write a sequel to it. I guess they really all are perverts.

And sadly, my brain has gone a bit weird at the mention of you kissing yourself. Is that also theoretically possible, by any chance?

Love, Cam

[sparklechick268.livejournal.com]

TO MISS-CAM,

WE HAVE IN-FOR-MATION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN HAR-BOUR-ING THE ARCH-ENEMY OF THE DA-LEKS, MR DAVID TENNANT. HE IS THE DOC-TOR AND MUST BE EX-TER-MIN-ATED. IF YOU DO NOT PRO-DUCE HIM IM-ME-DIATE-LY, YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-ATED.

EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

-THE DALEKS

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Do not get in the way of my shag-objects, Daleks. You're cute, but not that much. I'd be forced to smack you down.

Cam

[lotus79.livejournal.com]

misscam,

Work is irrelevant. A stroke of the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles. We take no interest in the affairs of others.

- Ambassador Kosh

P.S. If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will die.

[lotus79.livejournal.com]

You should have asked for G'Kar--you would have got more sense.

But still, don't go to Z'ha'dum, I hear it's a nasty place.

[anamin.livejournal.com]

h-h-hello mm-m-m-iss cam,

I'm so nervous about writing a letter, I don't know what to say. What would you like to know? I'm blimy stymied, I don't know what to write. Hey, that just rhymed. Brilliant!! Professor Snape scares me so much! I should really not even be writing or should I? I'd better go! The Weasly twins are coming my way and I don't want them to know I'm writing a private letter!

S-s-sincerely,

N-n-eville Longbottom

[wiccagirl24.livejournal.com]

Hello!

Just a quick note before the angry mob catches up with Rose and I. Wanted to say thanks for clearing up a few historical inaccuracies (ie the capitalization of TARDIS and the correct spelling of Gallifrey.) So annoying to look back in the textbooks or on the internet and find such basic mistakes.

I also wanted to ask you for a favor, since you you seem to have such a good head on your shoulders (or is it two heads. I wouldn't want to assume, and I have yet to see any pictures.) Would you hold this package, that I am sending, for me? I'll be by to pick it up soon. Soon for me, that is. May be quite a while in your time stream. Very important: DO NOT open it. The fate of earth depends on it.

Thanks for the help.

The Doctor