Only Stars [BSG, Adama/Roslin 1/1]

[misscam]

Only Stars
by Camilla Sandman

Disclaimer: Not my characters, just my words.

Rating: G

Summary: The difference between a star and a sun is just where you're standing. [Adama/Roslin]

Author's Note: Vaguest reference to "Ties That Bind", not particularly spoilery. Thanks for lyricalvoilet for beta.

II

There are no seasons in space, Laura knows. Oh, she knows. The dark of space stays dark, never fading or growing, a constant lasting backdrop. You need a sun for seasons. Out there, there's only stars.

She really wants to see another spring and she is dying.

It's not that she rebels against the dying part. Not really, except in the most hidden, selfish part of her mind. No, she has accepted it. She will die so her people will live, paying for them all as a leader should. She believes that. She has to.

He doesn't, she knows. Not William Adama, atheist and admiral and hero for all the reasons he never considers himself to be. No. He believes in her - he just doesn't share her beliefs.

It leaves her a little lonely even when he's there.

"Flip a coin – love, hate. It's all passion. It's all emotion. Flip a coin. Gravity will see it fall. Maybe it's fate. Maybe it's chance," he reads, and she listens with her eyes closed. She isn't sure why he's still reading to her even after treatment, but she has a few ideas.

If they ever get to it, she knows what she'll read to him.

"Where did you find this one?" she asks, and she can feel him looking at her even through closed eyelids.

"Delena Val," he says softly. "She died a long time ago. No family. She just left books."

"Nothing 'just' about that," she counters, and she finds him smiling as she opens her eyes. "I'd like to..."

She trails off, breathing as she feels her body imploring her very strongly to throw up. It passes, but he's already moved to the couch, sitting down by her feet.

"Fine. It's fine," she assures him, but he doesn't look convinced. Neither is she, really. It's not fine. She'll just have to make the best of it.

"It's not," he says harshly. He'd take a bullet for her. He can't take cancer, and she thinks it might be killing him a little.

"You wouldn't argue with the President, would you?"

His smile is tense, but it is a smile, and she sits up to smile back at him.

"I have it on good authority that is a frakking bad move," she continues. "An admiral told me."

He doesn't laugh, as she half hoped, even knowing it is a lame joke. Instead, he just breathes for a moment, and she can see resolve on his face as clearly as if he'd spoken the words.

"Bill," she says softly, wanting to yell at him a little. "I need you to accept this. I need you to be ready to lead after them when I'm gone, and you can't with denial."

"I'm not going to be the president."

"No. But you'll hold all the cards. I'll make sure of it."

He sighs a little, but she isn't entirely sure at what. In this battle of wills, she's not entirely sure she's winning. Maybe she doesn't really want to.

"I wish I could see Earth," she tells him instead. "If it has springs like Caprica or autumns like Tauron. If it has a sun. I want to see a sun again."

"You already are," he says, indicating the space engulfing them. "Stars. They're suns. We just need to get closer to see. The difference between a star and a sun is just where you're standing."

She laughs a little delightedly at his words, feeling them warm her. "Earth's star. Maybe we've already seen it."

"We'll both see Earth, or none of us will," he says, a commitment and a challenge both.

"Mm." She doesn't disagree, doesn't agree, just watches his jaw set slightly. She can see a faint reflection of herself in his glasses, and she has a strange urge to take them off. Not so strange the urge to kiss him too, because he's seeing a future - no, willing - a future she wants to see.

Spring on Earth, its sun over their heads, grass under their feet and laughing at life, a new home for their people. A home for them too, and she can see it so clearly in his eyes she just can't resist taking his glasses off. He looks surprised for a moment, but it quickly fades into something almost beautiful as he leans forward.

She puts a hand on his chest as he kisses her; feeling it rise and fall with his breath; rise and fall until he holds his breath and she's breathing for both, ragged and uneven.

It isn't flip a coin, she thinks. It's turning it by choices, and they've seen both sides to come here. Mistakes, anger and hurt. Love doesn't come without hurt, never has. It just offers an incentive to work through it.

She smiles a little as he pulls away, keeping her hand over his heart.

"You'll see Earth," he says, putting his hand on hers. "I'll see it for you if..."

He doesn't finish the if, but it is enough for now. She can build on that.

"Thank you, Bill," she says, and leans a little back as he picks up the book again. She'll make him ready. There will be a future for their people. And maybe she can hope, just a little, that she is wrong and he is right and there's an Earth waiting for them both.

Yes.

Out there, there's only suns.

In here, there's only hope.

II

FIN

Comments

[falena]

Wow. I kinda hate you for making me want to know more about these characters.

This line really struck me: He believes in her - he just doesn't share her believes. It leaves her a little lonely even when he's there.
I can relate to that.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Watch the show :P It's very interesting.

Mmm, I think it's something that is true in most relationships - because with two people, you'll always have something that you don't share.

Anyway, glad you liked :)

[falena]

I caved in already. I might be watching soon, depending on certain external factors. It's all your fault. Meanie and temptress. :P

Yeah, I was thinking about the religious angle of it. That's how I read the exchange, at any rate, but I might well be wrong, since I have no context to draw on. And that's just something that sometimes makes me feel a bit lonely because the boy and I most definitely do not share that. (Sorry about the random bit of TMI of the personal kind).

I like your writing, can't help it. That'sall your fault too. :P

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Muhahaha, etc.

Yeah, it is a religious reference - humans in the show believe in the Gods (note plural), hereunder Laura. He, however, is an atheist and didn't even believe Earth existed at first. So there's a bit of conflict there - an interesting one to explore, from a writer's perspective.

Yes, I know, I am evil :P

[cesario.livejournal.com]

oh, lovely. *sigh* I do love them so much, and you captured their dynamic very well.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[averita.livejournal.com]

That's really lovely - haunting and devastating but very sweet at the same time. Thanks so much.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it :)

[boudiceaborn.livejournal.com]

Great job, really enjoyed it!

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[boudiceaborn.livejournal.com]

Oh, also one little edit...
he just doesn't share her believes should be:
"he just doesn't share her beliefs"

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Ack, that's totally my faulty - beta told me to make an edit I must've bungled up. Happens when I am silly enough to post just before running off to eagerly devour football, I guess.

Anyway, have fixed.

[mingsmommy.livejournal.com]

Beautiful.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[alias424.livejournal.com]

So lovely. I loved the bit with his glasses leading up to the kiss, and how that had started with her urge but he was the one to lean forward. Plus the stars and the suns, the repetition of the line from the beginning with that twist at the end.... *sigh* I loved all of it, really. Well done.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) And yeah, I have a tendency to write thematic stories more than plot-driven ones, so tying it back to the beginning becomes a thing of necessity, heh.

[bluerosefairy.livejournal.com]

Oh, Cam. Youaresoevil. See, I knew you'd eventually break my heart into tiny pieces when you got into this pairing, and hey, you just went and did it.

"I'm not going to be the president."

"No. But you'll hold all the cards. I'll make sure of it."

That? Is heartbreaking in its truth of Laura's faith in Bill, and absolutely frightening because yes, Laura would go now and create that military dictatorship she decried in the pilot. And oh, Bill. You utter romantic fool. You are so far in love with her you'll never see straight again.

Lovely.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

They can be totally scary people at times. I mean, I love the characters, but they definitely have scary moments and that's part of the strength of it too. I just wouldn't feel right writing it all fluffy bunnies and heart heart.

Anyway, glad you liked, even if I am evil.

[just-reading-u.livejournal.com]

I kinda hate you too - you made me cry! The story is so sad snd so beautiful, the "You'll see Earth," he says, putting his hand on hers. "I'll see it for you if..." almost killed me!

No kiddin, this is brilliant!

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[sapphs.livejournal.com]

Wow. This was really amazing. Great work! ♥

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[augrah.livejournal.com]

You make this beautiful relationship even more beautiful because you write like you know they live in the small moments rather than the big ones. Bravo. This is love. ♥

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Most of life are in the little moments, I think - they're just not necessarily the most interesting to focus on in a TV-show, heh. Life's lived in the little moments, but perhaps remembered in the larger ones.

Anyway, thank you :)

[miri-d.livejournal.com]

Ohmigaaaah IL this! DDD: It is so heartbreakingly beautiful.

Now, if only something exactly like this, down to the very last word, would happen in one of the episodes. THEN I would be truly, wonderfully happy.

Write even more, please! ♥

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Heh, thanks. I do hope the show gives at least a little - I'd be sad otehrwise. There's always fanfic, true, but that can't make up for all.

Anyway, thanks - and I am working on more ;)

[aphroditesreign.livejournal.com]

Absolutely stunningly beautiful. *sighs* This is gonna be a sad season, and that's not fair. I think we need a lost episode. Devoted entirely to A/R. After NC, but way before her cancer return and the trial. *sighs again* Thanks for the read!

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't mind that - but show's always been a little mean, so I am trying to steel myself for what might come. Damn attraction of tragedy, argh.

Anyway, thanks :)

[obsessive-a101.livejournal.com]

Uhmm... I *adore* you at the moment. I adore this story. It's... hmm... it's the sort of story that revolves around bringing the characters onto the air in front of you, and you watch it all play out even as the story internalizes everything as well in the little nuances of emotion. Anyway, I love it. (^_^)

[misscam.livejournal.com]

I've always been more interested in characters than plot, so yeah, that is the sort of thing I like to write. I like nuances and details and all the things that aren't said too.

Anyway, very glad you liked :)

[babylon-whore.livejournal.com]

Wow. That was just beautiful. The imagery is gorgeous, I think you really captured the mood of these two characters.

Lovely.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[caramelapples11.livejournal.com]

Very beautiful. :) Thanks for sharing!

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

[franglaisy.livejournal.com]

I loved this.....especially this line "He believes in her - he just doesn't share her beliefs. "

Thankyou for sharing!

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[lullabymoon]

Awesome job. It's beautiful and I love it.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

This makes me want to cry every time I read it...and yet I love the light-and-shade here; it's not relentlessly dark and gloomy, there's that wonderful line about the difference between the sun and stars, and the way he's trying to inspire her to keep hoping is so wonderful, as is the way she's gently trying to prepare him for the worst.

I usually go for long, ten chapter stories because there tends to be more character development and relationship growth, but this story makes me realize that there really are truly talented writers who can sum up the entire relationship without needing to go on for a few thousand words. You've covered an entire spectrum of the ship in this fic, with greater finesse and poignancy and whimsy and *heart* than 90% of the fics I've read. You take me from heartache to giggles to just sighing over how perfect it all is.

I was interested when bluerosefairy mentioned Laura's ruthlessness and the way she'd make a military dictatorship because she believes in Bill and the necessity of him being the real leader of their people- it's kinda 'whoa, she believes in democracy and freedom of choice and all that egalitarian stuff' but then I remember how *he* made Zarek step down because they weren't going to provide military support without her being reinstated as President, and I can so see her manipulating strings behind the scenes to make sure that Bill is the one with the power and 'holding the cards'. Love it.

He'd take a bullet for her. He can't take cancer, and she thinks it might be killing him a little.

*quivers* That line kills me every time, damn it. Why are you so good at writing?! I tried to get out of this ship because of all the angst and then I read a fic like this and I have no more energy left to RESIST it any longer.

I love pretty much every line in this. Excellent, excellent work. I want more...is there more? *goes off to search*

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Heh, well, we all have our preferences and mine tend to say a lot in very few words. It's very much tied to me being Norwegian and Norwegian is not the most flowery of languages. I write in English, but I think in Norwegian, if that makes sense.

And for various reasons I tend to prefer writing one-shots and smaller character pieces, though I do longer and plottier from time to time. So in a sense, this is a typical me-fic.

I do think Laura has good intentions and she rocks and I adore her, but she does have a side of her that will sometimes go for what she thinks her people need, not necessarily what they want. (She did try to steal the election - given how Baltar turned out as President, one can say she had good reason to, but defending it is not without its moral issues.) You need that in a good leader too - someone to make hard decisions, someone who sees beyond popularity. But it's also how tyrants are born. It's a thin, thin line - and sometimes just a matter of perspective as well.

IMO and all, of course.

And I have till now written a grand total of three BSG fics, but then, I only got into it a few weeks ago. More will be coming. Oh yes.

Anyway, thanks muchly for the very detailed and flattering comment - it's the sort of feedback I'd kill for, quite frankly :D

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Hee, no killing necessary, I provide complimentary feedback when deserved. It used to be that I criticized bad fic, now I focus on making the *talented* writers feel good and write more *enjoyable* fic. It lowers my blood pressure and reduces the headaches, anyway. ;)

I can't believe you only recently came to the world of BSG! We're on the same level in that sense, I only got into it last month- but you don't find me turning out magnificent fics like this. And I thought I knew what envy was *before*, lol. Your characterization is above most of the other writers in this fandom, those who have been into it for years, which makes it all the more incredible.

Btw- you work fast, you worked in season 4 nuances when you're only a few weeks into the show?! And speaking of TTB- I read the reviews for it on tv.com and it's sad and startling that people are reacting negatively to Roslin, that she's being viewed as evil dictator and now she's the villain of the show while Baltar is the hero. WTF? I might need to live in fanfic if that's how it's playing out.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

You're probably quite wise there - I used to be quite into going after them badfics, but at some point I figured my own sanity is worth more. Besides, people take fanfic at various degrees of seriousness and not everyone are going to take concrit. Especially if you're young - I remember my reaction to the first concrit I ever had at 18. Ow. How I dearly wish I could go back and smack myself. Ah well. If we can't focus on the good in fandom, we'll soon run out of fun, right?

Heh, I have a habit of doing this. When I decide I like something, I eat it all up extremely fast. To be fair, I had seen BSG episodes before. For one thing, I'd seen the classic version. I also did see at least part of the mini-series, I think. I vaguely recall checking it out some months ago, but for various reasons I wasn't at home during its timeslot on Norwegian TV. Some of my LJ friends were also into it, so I was familiar with some of themes just from what I saw they wrote. Thus, when I went out and bought the shiny DVDs, I wasn't starting from scratch. I did have some baggage on it. But when I got into Doctor Who, I also watched everything fairly fast and wrote fanfic fairly soon after. Can't help it. Possibly my journalism degree has made writing my reaction to everything, heh.

I can't say I'm entirely surprised people are reacting a bit negatively to Roslin. I understand her thinking and she has good points, but what I like about BSG is that often, there isn't a right or a wrong choice, there are just two hard ones. Roslin makes hard choices at times. Not everyone will agree with her, and death has definitly put a darker edge to her.

But jeez, Baltar is a prick. I love the character and the way he's played, but if he wasn't half the prick he is, he'd be so lame. If I ever found myself siding with him, I would worry a bit about what I might have ingested lately.