One Life [Adama/Roslin]
Jun. 15th, 2008 02:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
misscamOne Life
(or Five Visions of Death Laura Didn't Have, and One Life She Just Had)
by Camilla Sandman
Summary: Life, like death, is just what you make of it, Laura. [Adama/Roslin]
Rating: Teen. Some adult activities, not too explicit.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, just my words.
Author's Note: Five AU scenarios, and one post-Hub scene Sci-Fi would probably never show. Spoilers for that episode, obviously. Many thanks to ever awesome![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lyricalviolet for beta.
(Sorry for fic!spamming you all this weekend. Er, oops?)
II
"Richard!"
"Hello, Laura."
"You died, then. You died. I knew you had to, but... You died."
"We all did. Not all at once. But those who didn't wished they had. Can you imagine it? To be alive amongst all that death?"
"Of course I can. I live it."
"Do you? I don't know that you do, Laura. Do you ever wonder how you might have died if you had stayed?"
"I do."
"I know. That's why I'm here."
II
"Commander Adama."
He doesn't recognise her right away, she sees, but then, it's been a while since they met and then only briefly. She remembers being angry at him, but that was another job and a genocide ago. Now, she finds herself almost giddily happy to see him again, a familiar face that isn't dead.
"Roslin," he says after a moment, and she can see the memory come to him. She hasn't looked in a mirror for a long time, but she can imagine she doesn't look much as she did then.
"Galen Tyrol told me how to find you," she goes on. She can see him consider the words, weigh them for possible lies. Can see him consider if she's a Cylon, if she's come to take this refuge out, if he should trust her.
"Come in."
He doesn't, she realises the moment she steps inside and feels cold metal against her neck. In the half-light of the building, she can make out several armed men and women.
"Check her," Commander Adama says roughly, never taking his eyes off her face. She meets the challenge by looking straight at him even as hands roughly frisk her. It seems to please him slightly, because he makes something that might pass for a smile.
"She's clean," a voice says behind her, "but sir, she could still..."
"I know," Adama says, still looking at her. "Follow me."
She does, almost tripping over boxes as he leads her deeper into the compound, finally opening a door to what seems temporary sleeping quarters.
"How is the Chief?" he asks, and she sits down on a bunk almost gratefully.
"Dead."
For a long, slow moment he just breathes, then he sits down next to her and lowers his head. This close, she can see the lines on his face, each seeming a burrow of sorrow.
"I'm sorry," she says, remembering she used to know how to grieve. Before Richard, before Gina, before everyone. "He gave me his last anti-radiation medication and told me where he stored a cache. For your resistance. Caprica's last hope."
"There is no hope," Adama says harshly. "There's just dying like soldiers."
"Or like humans," she suggests angrily, and wonders just when she put her hand on his, and if it's a caress or a sign of war.
When he kisses her, it's nothing gentle, and she responds in kind, biting down on his lower lip. The sound at the back of his throat as he pushes his hand between her thighs is almost predatory, and it's almost as if they're still fighting. Against each other, or just against death, she doesn't know.
She tears at his shirt, and with that off, she tears at his skin, as if even naked he isn't bared for her. He digs his fingers into her hair and lifts her head almost painfully as he lowers her body and kiss, kiss, kiss, desperation by lips and flesh.
There are many ways to die, she thinks, remembering blood and fire and the stench both make. But there are many ways to live too.
He fraks her a little savagely, but she matches it, arching into his thrusts and even flipping over to be on top. Fighting domination so long, she thinks she's forgotten how to yield. Perhaps, so has he, at least until she tastes something that might be tears on his cheeks and his face goes very still as his body doesn't.
She doesn't climb off him after, doesn't even reach for the clothes he bothered removing. Just rests against him, feeling her heartbeats like thunder in her head.
"I'm sorry," she whispers against his chest, "but I don't remember your first name."
"William," he says softly, and for a moment, she sees a glimpse of the man he probably was. "Bill."
"Laura," she says, and she leans into his touch as he cups her cheek.
"You can stay as long as you want," he says, an offering that feels strangely intimate.
"Thank you, Bill."
Maybe, she thinks. Maybe tomorrow, maybe life, maybe hope, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Maybe not.
They'll never hear the last nuke, the destruction of it traveling faster than the sound of it, the death of it traveling faster than the realisation. They're already dead. They don't know it, but they're already dead.
It'll just take three weeks to get there.
II
"I shouldn't have died."
"No, Billy. You shouldn't."
"You don't think I died for a purpose. Just another senseless death. But not you. You want to die for a purpose. Be a symbol. Do you think it's easier to mourn a symbol? Die a symbol? Easier to die the Dying Leader and not Laura Roslin?"
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do."
II
It's a well-attended ceremony. The President, the Quorum, the Admiral, the New Earth Marines, they are all there, dressed sharply and with serene faces. Speeches are held.
Laura Roslin, they all say. She gave us Earth. President Laura Roslin, she gave us Earth and we give her tribute.
Most agree President Lee Adama's speech is the most touching, evoking the image of Roslin as the angel of Aphrodite, but some prefer Admiral Agathon's simple description of her as the star they all steered by.
Laura Roslin, people say. If you pray to her, she might give you a vision.
In the back, Bill Adama sits. Every year, every ceremony of her. He never nods, and never applauds the speeches. He just remembers.
"Uncle Bill," Hera asks one year, because she's the only one who dares. "Nick says Laura protected me because the Gods told her too. Because we're special, me and him."
"Laura Roslin wasn't an angel sent by the Gods," Bill says tiredly. "She wasn't divine."
"But everyone..."
"They needed a symbol. She died. That makes it a lot easier. They've forgotten."
"Forgotten what?"
"That she was Laura," Bill Adama says, and bends his head.
Hera never asks again.
II
"I'm beginning to feel like I'm hosting a party of you."
"Madam President."
"Admiral Cain."
"You wanted to have me killed. And yet here you are, making the hard choices. You think someone won't come after you? You think you'll be different from me? You think you're better?"
"I think I'm not you."
"That doesn't mean you'll have a different end."
II
It's a strange thing to see, she thinks, her blood on Bill's hands. It clings to his skin, the skin she kissed yesterday and woke up next to this morning, and even now, a part of her stays on him.
Strangely how intimate it is to die in someone's arms, she thinks.
"Laura," Bill says, and she tries to listen to his voice and not the howls of her body, screaming against the pain. "You're going to be all right. You're going to…"
"No," she says, because she won't be. Her body is already so, so tired from fighting the cancer and it can't take bullets too. No. End of the line, Laura Roslin. End of the line.
In the background, she can still see Tory's frozen face, and the strong arms restraining her. Tory, oh Tory, trying to be Cylon and ending up so human for it. Bill is going to kill Tory, and it may fracture the fragile peace, but Laura knows anything she says won't change that. Bill never took her orders. He's made decisions with her, against her, compromised between them, but he never took orders. Not really.
It's another reason she loves him.
"Bill," she says urgently anyway, fighting for breath. "The peace. Keep the peace."
In the distance, she can hear Cottle and probably several with him, but it's far too late. It was too late from the moment Tory decided the President had to die faster than cancer could kill.
The President, not Laura Roslin. It's the President who got assassinated.
It's Laura Bill will grieve.
"You're my peace," he whispers, his hands still feverishly pressing against her wounds. "You stay with me. You stay with me, Laura."
I don't have to be alive to do that, she thinks. Bill can claim even the dead. She'll stay with him. It's just her body that is letting go.
"Yes," she says, a lie that isn't. "I love you. I'll stay with you."
II
"I liked your funeral."
"Thank you, but I had nothing to do with it but die. Why did you come? To envision your own? We were never friends."
"We weren't strangers either, Cally."
"No. You think of us all as your family, don't you? Your people?"
"Yes."
"And if you get us all to Earth, will you die happily then?"
"Yes."
"I wanted to die. I was going to kill myself. But life is treacherous. I fought at the end. Why do you think you can stop fighting?"
"Because sooner or later, life counts you out."
II
Hera likes it at the cabin.
There's the stream and the lake, and the green fields and endless space to run. Hera likes to run. When she was little, she knows she dreamt of it. Now she just does it.
Sometimes, when she goes to the cabin, people ask her to take messages to uncle Bill and aunt Laura, but they never have any messages to take back. Hera wonders about that. It's almost as if they want nothing to do with life outside their own.
They're very tired people, aunt Six once told her. Like Hera's mum were. Sometimes, people who are very tired need to rest. Bill and Laura in their cabin, Sharon in her grave.
Hera still doesn't understand why her mother picked a grave over a cabin. Cabins are great, and she can dance under the sun while Bill and Laura watch, hands linked.
Sometimes, they tell her about her father, and Hera knows it's his death that made her mum so tired. She remembers. One day you'll understand, she remembers. That's what they all said. One day.
One day, Laura sits down in the grass , Hera leaning against her shoulder and they watch the sky in all its variations of blue.
"This is the last time you can come here," Laura tells her.
"Don't you want me to come?"
"I've always tried to look after you, Hera. You know you you're always welcome. We just won't be here."
"Where are you going?"
"We won't know until we get there."
"Is it a trip?"
"You could call it that."
"But can't you come back?"
"Not everything has a return."
Hera thinks about that, watching the sun in Laura's greying hair. Age, she knows. Age she knows, but doesn't understand, because a life still feels like a lifetime.
"Both of you leaving?"
"Yes," Bill says, sitting down next to Laura and looking at her like a sun. "Both of us."
One day, Hera will understand death can hold no fear when life has been lived enough, but it is not the day she learns Bill and Laura have passed away.
II
"Mom."
"Laura."
"I still miss you."
"I know you do, sweetie. But you're not me. You don't have to die like me."
"I do."
"For prophecy? For some old text you don't even fully understand? For fate? Or for your own heart? Easier to die than to grieve again?"
"I grieved them all."
"Yes. But as numbers, names, funerals to attend. You die, you won't have to grieve your heart if he dies."
"He won't die."
"He could just as well as you."
II
"Madam President," Kara says, but Laura doesn't really listen. She can hear everything – the voice of Lee, shouting angrily, the whir of machines that failed at their job, the groan of Galactica itself and the hushed whispers of soldiers all around. She can hear it, but all she can listen to is the steady thump of her own heart, half wondering if she could stop it by will.
It was always meant to be her. It was never meant to be him.
Bill looks peaceful in death, almost smiling, and his hand that she clutches is still warm. He is dead, but the echo of life still resonates in him and she has no intention of letting go while she can still feel that.
"Laura," Cottle says.
Laura. Yes. Bill called her that just this morning, whispering it against her ear, kissing her temple and leaving her to sleep a little longer while he went to be the Admiral. Be the Admiral and die.
It was never meant to be him.
"Roslin!" Lee says angrily, and his voice is so much like his father's for a moment that she has to look up. "Let him go."
"Not yet," she says, and doesn't look away from his gaze, not even when she can see his grief unmask for a moment and match her own. It's Lee who finally nods, understanding.
"Give her what time she needs," he tells Helo, who nods as well. She can hear them step away, and then there's just her and Bill's warmth, slowly fading.
She doesn't get up until there is nothing but cold, and only then does she cry.
II
"Now I know I'm full of myself. What are you, then? The part of me that is dead?"
"Maybe. Maybe I'm just the part of you that won't live."
"I want to live."
"Do you?"
"Yes."
"Then live. You can't claim a refund. You can't wait for a better deal. Live."
"You make it sound so simple."
"It is. It's what you make of it that's complicated. Life, like death, is just what you make of it, Laura."
II
Bill doesn't want to live without her.
Oh, he hasn't said as much, not with words, but she can read actions, and she knows what waiting alone in a raptor, the Fleet gone on, means. She knows, and she knows she has to tell him off for it, because he is the Admiral and the Fleet will need him.
She will tell him off.
She's just going to frak him senseless first.
He's leaning his back against the raptor, and she's leaning into him, kissing the underside of his jaw and feeling the material of his flightsuit under her fingers. They still haven't said much, words suddenly seeming so inadequate to everything that needs to be said.
His face speaks a whole story, though. He looks so young, and the tenderness and emotion on his face when he looks at her almost kills her. She thinks she has known he probably felt that way, little signs of it having been left like breadcrumbs for her to follow. But one thing is to draw a conclusion from read passages, glances, carefully chosen words, smiles and offered spaces in his life. Another is to feel it all at once, and know, know that she loves him and he loves her and that everything is changing a little.
She exhales a little raggedly as he strokes her wrist, his thumb tracing the veins and lines and pulse of it. Her body feels heightened, as if awoken, and she knows at least part of that is the lack of diloxin. The other is just mind over matter, emotions over body.
She knows the pilots are waiting, and decisions are. They have so much to do still, but still she can't seem to step away from him. Just this once, responsibilities will wait.
He's not going to fight her on that, she thinks, and knows for sure when he lifts her up on the raptor wing, cupping her cheek and kissing her. Carefully at first, just as he hugged her, but more assuredly as she responds in kind.
She's pretty sure anyone who would be likely to see them would tell them to get a room. But since that is not an option…
"Raptor?" she asks a little breathlessly, feeling his bottom lip press against her upper.
"Raptor," he agrees, the husk in his voice reverberating against her skin.
They climb in as ungracefully as two people not wanting to stop invading each other's personal space would, but she doesn't care, and he doesn't seem to either. Not even when she trips and half-impales him on something that beeps alarmed.
She can't help but laugh, and his chuckle fills her until she feels so alive it almost hurts and she's tearing at zippers and cloth with no dignity at all, kissing him all the while.
He has a slight stubble, she feels, and likes it, tracing the evenness of his teeth with her tongue and liking that too. New sensations and it's been a long time, making each bodily response feel a little new.
The sensation of her nipples hardening against his palm, the slight sharpness of nails as he traces the underside of her breast, the warmth of his mouth against her flesh. Yes. New and not, like a new partner to a dance always changing the steps just slightly.
Bill likes to take his time, she learns. He isn't slow, he's deliberate and focused and savouring, and sometimes when he closes his eyes, the look on his face almost makes her look away. Just almost, because she knows she is mirroring it.
She loves this man. She loves. All this death and fight and end of the world, and she loves.
"I love you," he whispers fiercely as he leans over her, and his kiss is possessive and soft at the same time.
Laura for Bill and Bill for Laura, love for love, life for life, death for death. It doesn't have to be complicated, she knows.
It's just what you make of it.
FIN
(or Five Visions of Death Laura Didn't Have, and One Life She Just Had)
by Camilla Sandman
Summary: Life, like death, is just what you make of it, Laura. [Adama/Roslin]
Rating: Teen. Some adult activities, not too explicit.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, just my words.
Author's Note: Five AU scenarios, and one post-Hub scene Sci-Fi would probably never show. Spoilers for that episode, obviously. Many thanks to ever awesome
lyricalviolet for beta. (Sorry for fic!spamming you all this weekend. Er, oops?)
II
"Richard!"
"Hello, Laura."
"You died, then. You died. I knew you had to, but... You died."
"We all did. Not all at once. But those who didn't wished they had. Can you imagine it? To be alive amongst all that death?"
"Of course I can. I live it."
"Do you? I don't know that you do, Laura. Do you ever wonder how you might have died if you had stayed?"
"I do."
"I know. That's why I'm here."
II
"Commander Adama."
He doesn't recognise her right away, she sees, but then, it's been a while since they met and then only briefly. She remembers being angry at him, but that was another job and a genocide ago. Now, she finds herself almost giddily happy to see him again, a familiar face that isn't dead.
"Roslin," he says after a moment, and she can see the memory come to him. She hasn't looked in a mirror for a long time, but she can imagine she doesn't look much as she did then.
"Galen Tyrol told me how to find you," she goes on. She can see him consider the words, weigh them for possible lies. Can see him consider if she's a Cylon, if she's come to take this refuge out, if he should trust her.
"Come in."
He doesn't, she realises the moment she steps inside and feels cold metal against her neck. In the half-light of the building, she can make out several armed men and women.
"Check her," Commander Adama says roughly, never taking his eyes off her face. She meets the challenge by looking straight at him even as hands roughly frisk her. It seems to please him slightly, because he makes something that might pass for a smile.
"She's clean," a voice says behind her, "but sir, she could still..."
"I know," Adama says, still looking at her. "Follow me."
She does, almost tripping over boxes as he leads her deeper into the compound, finally opening a door to what seems temporary sleeping quarters.
"How is the Chief?" he asks, and she sits down on a bunk almost gratefully.
"Dead."
For a long, slow moment he just breathes, then he sits down next to her and lowers his head. This close, she can see the lines on his face, each seeming a burrow of sorrow.
"I'm sorry," she says, remembering she used to know how to grieve. Before Richard, before Gina, before everyone. "He gave me his last anti-radiation medication and told me where he stored a cache. For your resistance. Caprica's last hope."
"There is no hope," Adama says harshly. "There's just dying like soldiers."
"Or like humans," she suggests angrily, and wonders just when she put her hand on his, and if it's a caress or a sign of war.
When he kisses her, it's nothing gentle, and she responds in kind, biting down on his lower lip. The sound at the back of his throat as he pushes his hand between her thighs is almost predatory, and it's almost as if they're still fighting. Against each other, or just against death, she doesn't know.
She tears at his shirt, and with that off, she tears at his skin, as if even naked he isn't bared for her. He digs his fingers into her hair and lifts her head almost painfully as he lowers her body and kiss, kiss, kiss, desperation by lips and flesh.
There are many ways to die, she thinks, remembering blood and fire and the stench both make. But there are many ways to live too.
He fraks her a little savagely, but she matches it, arching into his thrusts and even flipping over to be on top. Fighting domination so long, she thinks she's forgotten how to yield. Perhaps, so has he, at least until she tastes something that might be tears on his cheeks and his face goes very still as his body doesn't.
She doesn't climb off him after, doesn't even reach for the clothes he bothered removing. Just rests against him, feeling her heartbeats like thunder in her head.
"I'm sorry," she whispers against his chest, "but I don't remember your first name."
"William," he says softly, and for a moment, she sees a glimpse of the man he probably was. "Bill."
"Laura," she says, and she leans into his touch as he cups her cheek.
"You can stay as long as you want," he says, an offering that feels strangely intimate.
"Thank you, Bill."
Maybe, she thinks. Maybe tomorrow, maybe life, maybe hope, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Maybe not.
They'll never hear the last nuke, the destruction of it traveling faster than the sound of it, the death of it traveling faster than the realisation. They're already dead. They don't know it, but they're already dead.
It'll just take three weeks to get there.
II
"I shouldn't have died."
"No, Billy. You shouldn't."
"You don't think I died for a purpose. Just another senseless death. But not you. You want to die for a purpose. Be a symbol. Do you think it's easier to mourn a symbol? Die a symbol? Easier to die the Dying Leader and not Laura Roslin?"
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do."
II
It's a well-attended ceremony. The President, the Quorum, the Admiral, the New Earth Marines, they are all there, dressed sharply and with serene faces. Speeches are held.
Laura Roslin, they all say. She gave us Earth. President Laura Roslin, she gave us Earth and we give her tribute.
Most agree President Lee Adama's speech is the most touching, evoking the image of Roslin as the angel of Aphrodite, but some prefer Admiral Agathon's simple description of her as the star they all steered by.
Laura Roslin, people say. If you pray to her, she might give you a vision.
In the back, Bill Adama sits. Every year, every ceremony of her. He never nods, and never applauds the speeches. He just remembers.
"Uncle Bill," Hera asks one year, because she's the only one who dares. "Nick says Laura protected me because the Gods told her too. Because we're special, me and him."
"Laura Roslin wasn't an angel sent by the Gods," Bill says tiredly. "She wasn't divine."
"But everyone..."
"They needed a symbol. She died. That makes it a lot easier. They've forgotten."
"Forgotten what?"
"That she was Laura," Bill Adama says, and bends his head.
Hera never asks again.
II
"I'm beginning to feel like I'm hosting a party of you."
"Madam President."
"Admiral Cain."
"You wanted to have me killed. And yet here you are, making the hard choices. You think someone won't come after you? You think you'll be different from me? You think you're better?"
"I think I'm not you."
"That doesn't mean you'll have a different end."
II
It's a strange thing to see, she thinks, her blood on Bill's hands. It clings to his skin, the skin she kissed yesterday and woke up next to this morning, and even now, a part of her stays on him.
Strangely how intimate it is to die in someone's arms, she thinks.
"Laura," Bill says, and she tries to listen to his voice and not the howls of her body, screaming against the pain. "You're going to be all right. You're going to…"
"No," she says, because she won't be. Her body is already so, so tired from fighting the cancer and it can't take bullets too. No. End of the line, Laura Roslin. End of the line.
In the background, she can still see Tory's frozen face, and the strong arms restraining her. Tory, oh Tory, trying to be Cylon and ending up so human for it. Bill is going to kill Tory, and it may fracture the fragile peace, but Laura knows anything she says won't change that. Bill never took her orders. He's made decisions with her, against her, compromised between them, but he never took orders. Not really.
It's another reason she loves him.
"Bill," she says urgently anyway, fighting for breath. "The peace. Keep the peace."
In the distance, she can hear Cottle and probably several with him, but it's far too late. It was too late from the moment Tory decided the President had to die faster than cancer could kill.
The President, not Laura Roslin. It's the President who got assassinated.
It's Laura Bill will grieve.
"You're my peace," he whispers, his hands still feverishly pressing against her wounds. "You stay with me. You stay with me, Laura."
I don't have to be alive to do that, she thinks. Bill can claim even the dead. She'll stay with him. It's just her body that is letting go.
"Yes," she says, a lie that isn't. "I love you. I'll stay with you."
II
"I liked your funeral."
"Thank you, but I had nothing to do with it but die. Why did you come? To envision your own? We were never friends."
"We weren't strangers either, Cally."
"No. You think of us all as your family, don't you? Your people?"
"Yes."
"And if you get us all to Earth, will you die happily then?"
"Yes."
"I wanted to die. I was going to kill myself. But life is treacherous. I fought at the end. Why do you think you can stop fighting?"
"Because sooner or later, life counts you out."
II
Hera likes it at the cabin.
There's the stream and the lake, and the green fields and endless space to run. Hera likes to run. When she was little, she knows she dreamt of it. Now she just does it.
Sometimes, when she goes to the cabin, people ask her to take messages to uncle Bill and aunt Laura, but they never have any messages to take back. Hera wonders about that. It's almost as if they want nothing to do with life outside their own.
They're very tired people, aunt Six once told her. Like Hera's mum were. Sometimes, people who are very tired need to rest. Bill and Laura in their cabin, Sharon in her grave.
Hera still doesn't understand why her mother picked a grave over a cabin. Cabins are great, and she can dance under the sun while Bill and Laura watch, hands linked.
Sometimes, they tell her about her father, and Hera knows it's his death that made her mum so tired. She remembers. One day you'll understand, she remembers. That's what they all said. One day.
One day, Laura sits down in the grass , Hera leaning against her shoulder and they watch the sky in all its variations of blue.
"This is the last time you can come here," Laura tells her.
"Don't you want me to come?"
"I've always tried to look after you, Hera. You know you you're always welcome. We just won't be here."
"Where are you going?"
"We won't know until we get there."
"Is it a trip?"
"You could call it that."
"But can't you come back?"
"Not everything has a return."
Hera thinks about that, watching the sun in Laura's greying hair. Age, she knows. Age she knows, but doesn't understand, because a life still feels like a lifetime.
"Both of you leaving?"
"Yes," Bill says, sitting down next to Laura and looking at her like a sun. "Both of us."
One day, Hera will understand death can hold no fear when life has been lived enough, but it is not the day she learns Bill and Laura have passed away.
II
"Mom."
"Laura."
"I still miss you."
"I know you do, sweetie. But you're not me. You don't have to die like me."
"I do."
"For prophecy? For some old text you don't even fully understand? For fate? Or for your own heart? Easier to die than to grieve again?"
"I grieved them all."
"Yes. But as numbers, names, funerals to attend. You die, you won't have to grieve your heart if he dies."
"He won't die."
"He could just as well as you."
II
"Madam President," Kara says, but Laura doesn't really listen. She can hear everything – the voice of Lee, shouting angrily, the whir of machines that failed at their job, the groan of Galactica itself and the hushed whispers of soldiers all around. She can hear it, but all she can listen to is the steady thump of her own heart, half wondering if she could stop it by will.
It was always meant to be her. It was never meant to be him.
Bill looks peaceful in death, almost smiling, and his hand that she clutches is still warm. He is dead, but the echo of life still resonates in him and she has no intention of letting go while she can still feel that.
"Laura," Cottle says.
Laura. Yes. Bill called her that just this morning, whispering it against her ear, kissing her temple and leaving her to sleep a little longer while he went to be the Admiral. Be the Admiral and die.
It was never meant to be him.
"Roslin!" Lee says angrily, and his voice is so much like his father's for a moment that she has to look up. "Let him go."
"Not yet," she says, and doesn't look away from his gaze, not even when she can see his grief unmask for a moment and match her own. It's Lee who finally nods, understanding.
"Give her what time she needs," he tells Helo, who nods as well. She can hear them step away, and then there's just her and Bill's warmth, slowly fading.
She doesn't get up until there is nothing but cold, and only then does she cry.
II
"Now I know I'm full of myself. What are you, then? The part of me that is dead?"
"Maybe. Maybe I'm just the part of you that won't live."
"I want to live."
"Do you?"
"Yes."
"Then live. You can't claim a refund. You can't wait for a better deal. Live."
"You make it sound so simple."
"It is. It's what you make of it that's complicated. Life, like death, is just what you make of it, Laura."
II
Bill doesn't want to live without her.
Oh, he hasn't said as much, not with words, but she can read actions, and she knows what waiting alone in a raptor, the Fleet gone on, means. She knows, and she knows she has to tell him off for it, because he is the Admiral and the Fleet will need him.
She will tell him off.
She's just going to frak him senseless first.
He's leaning his back against the raptor, and she's leaning into him, kissing the underside of his jaw and feeling the material of his flightsuit under her fingers. They still haven't said much, words suddenly seeming so inadequate to everything that needs to be said.
His face speaks a whole story, though. He looks so young, and the tenderness and emotion on his face when he looks at her almost kills her. She thinks she has known he probably felt that way, little signs of it having been left like breadcrumbs for her to follow. But one thing is to draw a conclusion from read passages, glances, carefully chosen words, smiles and offered spaces in his life. Another is to feel it all at once, and know, know that she loves him and he loves her and that everything is changing a little.
She exhales a little raggedly as he strokes her wrist, his thumb tracing the veins and lines and pulse of it. Her body feels heightened, as if awoken, and she knows at least part of that is the lack of diloxin. The other is just mind over matter, emotions over body.
She knows the pilots are waiting, and decisions are. They have so much to do still, but still she can't seem to step away from him. Just this once, responsibilities will wait.
He's not going to fight her on that, she thinks, and knows for sure when he lifts her up on the raptor wing, cupping her cheek and kissing her. Carefully at first, just as he hugged her, but more assuredly as she responds in kind.
She's pretty sure anyone who would be likely to see them would tell them to get a room. But since that is not an option…
"Raptor?" she asks a little breathlessly, feeling his bottom lip press against her upper.
"Raptor," he agrees, the husk in his voice reverberating against her skin.
They climb in as ungracefully as two people not wanting to stop invading each other's personal space would, but she doesn't care, and he doesn't seem to either. Not even when she trips and half-impales him on something that beeps alarmed.
She can't help but laugh, and his chuckle fills her until she feels so alive it almost hurts and she's tearing at zippers and cloth with no dignity at all, kissing him all the while.
He has a slight stubble, she feels, and likes it, tracing the evenness of his teeth with her tongue and liking that too. New sensations and it's been a long time, making each bodily response feel a little new.
The sensation of her nipples hardening against his palm, the slight sharpness of nails as he traces the underside of her breast, the warmth of his mouth against her flesh. Yes. New and not, like a new partner to a dance always changing the steps just slightly.
Bill likes to take his time, she learns. He isn't slow, he's deliberate and focused and savouring, and sometimes when he closes his eyes, the look on his face almost makes her look away. Just almost, because she knows she is mirroring it.
She loves this man. She loves. All this death and fight and end of the world, and she loves.
"I love you," he whispers fiercely as he leans over her, and his kiss is possessive and soft at the same time.
Laura for Bill and Bill for Laura, love for love, life for life, death for death. It doesn't have to be complicated, she knows.
It's just what you make of it.
FIN
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no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 01:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 02:15 pm (UTC)Please write more!!!! Fanfic is going to save my A/R soul during this hiatus from hell. I hope.
Thanks soo much for sharing this!!!!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 02:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 05:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 02:24 pm (UTC)i really didn't think about it until i read this, but roslin really does have this, not fascination, but this intense need to probe the idea and the concept of death. and i love how you did via the important people who have died in her life.
billy's in particular, i liked a lot. he did die totally unnecessarily, but more than that, i loved the dynamic between him and laura. where tory sort of fueled the tougher side of roslin, billy brought out the 'walk softly but carry a big stick,' side. in those early days, billy was exactly the type of person she needed as her right hand.
i liked seeing an older hera, too. because roslin only had her best interests at heart. i know it looked bad that she took her away from her mother and lied about it, but she never intended for any harm to come to hera, so i like the idea of hera being close to roslin later on. because i think there are answers to some things which only roslin could provide the answer.
All this death and fight and end of the world, and she loves.
she learns, she scores! (um, that wasn't meant to sound dirty/ double entendre-ish. i was thinking of that talk that she had with baltar).
thanks for sharing!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 05:15 pm (UTC)Cancer would give most people a desire to sort life and death in your head, I think. It makes death so much more an an abstract concept, something almost intimate.
And I love Hera and can't seem to stop writing her of late, heh. I'm really basing her interaction with Laura on that the Opera House visions have to mean *something*.
I would hope Laura got to score for real too, heh. She and Bill have earned that.
Thank you :)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 02:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 05:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 02:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 05:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 02:41 pm (UTC)hee and if ya can't get a room...get a raptor. looooove
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Date: 2008-06-15 05:18 pm (UTC)And that line was inspired by Sky's comment of 'get a room' at the end of The Hub. I found it a bit amusing.
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Date: 2008-06-15 05:34 pm (UTC)He's totally a shipper.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 02:43 pm (UTC)I'm finishing up season 1.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 05:19 pm (UTC)And ooh, are you enjoying it so far?
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 03:06 pm (UTC)Something about this line in particular really got to me though I'm not sure why: The President, not Laura Roslin. It's the President who got assassinated.
It's Laura Bill will grieve.
And so many others also were incredibly powerful and hard-hitting.
Fantastic work, as always.
(Random, but do you know what font this is in your layout?? lol)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 05:21 pm (UTC)As for the font, I don't actually know -
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 05:37 pm (UTC)The thing I didn't like about this piece is that I'm not exactly sure what the scenario was in scene I, the one Adar was showing her.
My heart broke a little (a lot) in the scene where they're living in the cabin, and then Hera just...can't come anymore. At least they were happy at the end...but I kind of understand what it is to not understand death. But the line
One day, Hera will understand death can hold no fear when life has been lived enough, but it is not the day she learns Bill and Laura have passed away. is the one that really sucker-punched me with its poignancy, along with the one where Bill "looks at Laura like a sun".
Okay, so each piece broke my heart a little. A lot. STFU. I love how you addressed each idea or question about dying Roslin might or did have. And the one where she dies in his arms...you're right, that's strangely intimate. And I was like "T.T".
When Bill died - what did he die from? He wasn't shot, or so it seemed, so what happened? And it made a certain sort of tragic sense that Roslin wouldn't want to leave him...:(
And the last scene was hawt 8D. And I could totally feel Roslin's emotions just bursting out of her, which is exactly the way I felt it when they had that last scene in The Hub.
omfg, everything about your writing is always so truthful and true to the characters. You're going to help keep me alive during the hiatus, I know it.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 09:53 am (UTC)I did sort of take out a lot of information in each piece since it was meant to be a bit vision-like and not fully explained, but eh well, I could probably have done it better.
I don't think anyone really understands death until you're pretty much tangoing with it, and even then, do we really? People can spend a lifetime not understanding lfie, after all.
Aaaaanyway, glad you liked the characterisation and special thanks for pointing out what didn't work for you too. Really appreciate that :)
*is working on the family fic*
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 06:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 09:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 07:56 pm (UTC)She will tell him off.
She's just going to frak him senseless first.
has a special place in my heart. Awesome.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 09:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 10:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 09:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 12:36 am (UTC)Just beautiful. Thoroughly enjoyed.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 09:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 09:56 am (UTC)Thanks :)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 10:40 am (UTC)This is where I started:
They don't know it, but they're already dead.
It'll just take three weeks to get there.
Whaaa. This story broke me so much. No, the hot shagging at the end was not enough to help me recover.
I LOVE IT.
All the little touches in each of the sections, omg they make it work this spectacularly. Biiiillly. Caaally. And, omg, all the Hera bits were amazing. Admiral Agathon. Hee. And you killed my tv girlfriend too.
DID I MENTION I LOVED THIS?
no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 11:09 am (UTC)Can I offer a tissue and the promise that I'm not killing as many in the next story? And anyway, it was just vision-death and not real kind so I'm not actually horribly mean. I think.
(Thanks, though :P)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 05:11 pm (UTC)"(Sorry for fic!spamming you all this weekend. Er, oops?)"
LOL. that is definitely something that i can live with. really. so please: continue. XD
no subject
Date: 2008-06-18 10:13 am (UTC)Beautiful, awesome,tender and I don't know what else I can say to describe it.
Thank you so much for sharing.
It's lovely :)
***
no subject
Date: 2008-06-21 04:17 am (UTC)It's just what you make of it.
It really isn't fair. You write this, I cry like a baby. The world never knows, and I must run off to get tissue. Lovely. Absolutely Lovely. :)
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Date: 2008-10-26 05:17 am (UTC)I especially liked the bit where Bill dies instead and Laura complains that it doesn't fit the prophecy and the one where Tory is the one to kill her (and is "human" for it). But singling anything out makes me feel like I'm shortchanging the rest, because it is all just fabulous. Thank you for sharing!
no subject
Date: 2008-11-03 12:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-26 09:11 pm (UTC)"You're my peace," he whispers, his hands still feverishly pressing against her wounds. "You stay with me. You stay with me, Laura."
I don't have to be alive to do that, she thinks. Bill can claim even the dead. She'll stay with him. It's just her body that is letting go.
"Yes," she says, a lie that isn't. "I love you. I'll stay with you."
It's heartrending and perfect. Thank you so much for being an awesome writer and for sharing it!
no subject
Date: 2009-04-27 07:43 am (UTC)And that passage is a bit weird reading now, considering the events of Daybreak - in a sense, he does keep her with him even after death. I'd forgotten I'd written that, but it seems even more fitting now.
Anyhoo, thank you very much :)