Forever Is Impossible [Doctor Who, Doctor/Rose, 1/1]

[misscam]

Forever Is Impossible
(and we're still stuck in Norway)
by Camilla Sandman

Rating: PG.

Summary: It's hard to be human when all you know is Time Lord. It's hard to have only one heart when your love come in two. It's hard, but they've already done the impossible. [Doctor/Rose, human!Doctor/Rose]

Disclaimer: Characters are BBC's. The words are mine.

Author's Note: Huge spoilers for "Journey's End". A ficlet I just had to get out of my system after the finale.

II

"I love you. That's very him, Rose."

"I love you. It's not that."

"What is it then?"

"He's you and you're him."

"He's me. You love him too."

"Yeah. And he's not here."

II

There's this dream Rose has.

A beach. Always the beach, Norwegian mountains to the east, the ocean and the sky in parallel lines to the west, never meeting. Always the beach, always him. Eyes like the sky, mind filled with stars.

"Rose Tyler," he says, and his heartbeats drown out the sea when she listens. Two hearts, because one is lonely and he is alone.

"Rose Tyler," he says. He never says anything else.

Not when she kisses him, not when she holds his hand, not when she rages against him for things that aren't his fault, but is a consequence of knowing him. Not even when she pushes him down, and it's sand and skin and Doctor and desire.

It's always just her name, and it's always just Norway.

There's this dream Rose has, and she always wakes to her heart pounding and the other Doctor sleeping next to her, his hand in hers.

When she puts her head against his chest, she can hear his lone heartbeat and hers too, not quite as one. But maybe, maybe they could drown out a sea still.

II

"I got you. What has he got? What has he got, Doctor? Him, the other you."

"He's got the knowledge of it."

"That's not enough."

"For you or him?"

"I don't know."

"I do."

II

There's this life the Doctor has.

Humanity. A job, a house, a girlfriend, an adopted family. Grocery shopping, at least after Jackie has taught him not to lick everything first. Torchwood adventures. Public transport. Humanity.

Time Lord memories. In his head, skies burn, stars are born, and the universe calls for him. Time sings, but the words are slipping from him. He remembers, but he isn't. One heart. One time. He never was what he remembers, and he never knows if it's a loss or a madness.

Rose Tyler. He lives with her, sleeps with her, loves her as humans do, learns to cook with her, defends Earth with her, gets a new wardrobe with her and watches clocks with her.

It is strange how fast a second seems when it can only be visited once. Once, and it's gone.

Time. Limited time, one way only. Such a narrow road. Such a silence.

There's this life the Doctor has. He isn't sure how he feels about it.

He just lives it.

II

"I did really want this, Rose. The one adventure I could never have. Now I can."

"But you also want to be the Doctor, don't you? Somewhere in you there's the urge, I can feel it in you."

"Yes."

"You can't have both."

"I can now. Just not at the same time. You and me, Rose Tyler. Forever. Well, the human version of it. You're a very limited species, timewise."

"Not 'you,', Doctor. We."

II

There are these humans, Rose Tyler and the Doctor.

It's hard to be human when all you know is Time Lord. It's hard to have only one heart when your love come in two. It's hard, but they've already done the impossible.

There are these humans, Rose Tyler and the Doctor.

They're still getting used to the possible.

FIN

Comments

[sideways.livejournal.com]

this, really makes me love the finale. thank you. ♥

[misscam.livejournal.com]

I don't know how I feel about the finale yet, honestly. But how someone with the memories of a Time Lord deal with humanity and Rose in a sense loving two Doctors is something that seems to have sparked some interest in my brain.

I don't know, I need to think about it.

But I'm glad you liked this :)

[rhipowered.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen it yet, but I like this. I like this indeed.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

And watch with Care. Opinions are quite strongly divided on this one, including in my brain.

[jaina47.livejournal.com]

Okay. I think you made the finale all better. *melts*

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Heh, thanks :)

[pie-is-good.livejournal.com]

Awww. I loved this. ♥

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[dominamia.livejournal.com]

very beautiful.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[random-smith.livejournal.com]

Hours after episode and such a good fanfic.

I found the finale pretty sad in its sugary galore. And this fic is exactly what I wanted to read. Thank you.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

I'm sadly indecisive about the finale and I'm not sure I'm going to make my mind up about it any time soon. Ah well.

[unfolded73.livejournal.com]

Brilliant. I'm crying again. This is absolutely beautiful.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[electrictoes.livejournal.com]

That was beautiful, it really made me melt quite a bit.
Because, I was comfortable with the finale & Rose's ending, but I still feel sad because he's not quite the right Doctor, even though he's got his memories and he is him.
But this was brilliant, and everything's so complicated that you caught it brilliantly.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

It is a complicated ending, yeah, and I guess it appeals to me in writing. Not sure about viewing still.

Anyway, glad you liked :)

[gypsyjr.livejournal.com]

Oh, lovely.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[ice-feather.livejournal.com]

You're making it make sense! This fic is canon as far as I'm concerned. Anything that can get me to accept the concept of Rose/Clone!Ten even a teeny bit deserves a medal.

[merielrose.livejournal.com]

rofl -- "clone!ten" brilliant.

[reetinkerbell.livejournal.com]

This is lovely. Thank you.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

[nonelvis]

I really liked this -- it felt like a very real set of conversations Rose and the other Doctor would have, with neither of them entirely certain where they stand.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[rubyandroll.livejournal.com]

Yep...that pretty much sums up every confusing emotion that's been going through me since the finale. I have faith in Human!Doctor and Rose! I believe they can learn to love again!
You're a miracle worker, and this fiction have performed a miracle on all that I felt was wrong with that episode.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you :)

[catsfiction.livejournal.com]

You always do the ambivalent stuff so well, and that's exactly the way I feel about it at the moment. It wasn't fun, was it? It was quite bleak and grown up.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

It certainly has the potential to be bleak, and complicated and not happily ever after. That actually appealed to the writing part of me. The viewer, I don't know. But man, there's so much stuff in the ending I could write about. (If I can tear myself away from BSG, anyway.)

Thanks, I'm glad you liked.

[marcasite.livejournal.com]

The possibilities....

I loved this. Thank you for helping me wrap my brain around the possibilities! ♥

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Mod!group-hug? We survived!

And yeah, the possibilities got even my muse thinking. Imagine that :P

[dark-aegis.livejournal.com]

Oh, that was beautiful. I especially love the ending. That just makes the story, and in turn the series finale for me.

It's hard to be human when all you know is Time Lord. It's hard to have only one heart when your love come in two. It's hard, but they've already done the impossible.

There are these humans, Rose Tyler and the Doctor.

They're still getting used to the possible.

Thank you for sharing :)

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[wendymr.livejournal.com]

There are these humans, Rose Tyler and the Doctor.

It's hard to be human when all you know is Time Lord.

Yes. That's what sticks in my mind about the human-Doctor. Yes, he has Rose and she has him, but there's so much he doesn't have. The Doctor without his TARDIS, without the ability to travel in time and space, without his two hearts - yet he still has the mind of a Time Lord.

...though maybe he builds his own time machine?

"I got you. What has he got? What has he got, Doctor? Him, the other you."

"He's got the knowledge of it."

"That's not enough."

That bothers me too. He's lost Rose, even if he did give her what he couldn't give her last time around - the family wasn't enough without him. He's lost his other friends. And now he's lost Donna. :( He's alone again.

(Actually, I feel saddest of all for Donna, because we saw how wonderful she could be, and she's forgotten it all, but that's an aside.)

Anyway, thanks for putting some of my feelings into words. I really enjoyed the episode, but I ache for both Doctors and for Donna.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

It's an ending where everyone gets a little bit of what they want and not exactly what they want, in a sense. The Doctor gets a chance of human, but it's not really him and he can't ever know what it was like. Rose gets the Doctor, but also not. Donna gets to be wonderful and then never know.

God, Donna broke my heart. :(

Anyway, glad you liked this :)

[firefaery2.livejournal.com]

It's hard to put certain feelings regarding the finale into words. I am completely in love with it, although I know some others aren't, but I think, whatever your opinion, this little fic tugs on your heartstrings.

Personally, I personally enjoyed:

"He's you and you're him."

"He's me. You love him too."

"Yeah. And he's not here."

Now, I don't want to put words into your mouth, so correct me if I'm interpreting this wrongly, but that puts into a few words what I've been trying to get down on (virtual) paper since the episode aired. It's the idea that she is and will always be completely in love with this second Doctor that her first Doctor has gifted her with, and that is in no way deminished by the fact that she isn't with that first Doctor. The point is, that this love is true and real and in no way second-best, but at the same time there's more of him out there- there's that little bit of the Doctor that will be lonely, that she can't kiss and grow old with- and that breaks her heart a little.

You see how I can't formulate the words properly? She loves him every bit as much as she should, but because there's more of him now, there'll always be a piece missing. She hasn't chosen between the Doctors- whatever she gets, she can't quite have everything, but you can't say she's lost anything either.

Sorry for my lack of elequence- emotionally draining sci-fi tends to do this to me. Thank you for the fic :)

[firefaery2.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. 'Personally I personally enjoyed...'?? You can tell it's 2am. Also, the Doctor only having the knowledge of a life led with Rose gets me a bit. How heartbreaking. He's experienced the real loss here, if perhaps Rose has experienced a little of it.

[stardreamed]

It's a new love triangle for two. Oh. The lovely, sweet angst. Thanks for sharing. :)

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[usaku.livejournal.com]

Thanks for writing this. I think I'm going to need to read more of these with similar exchanges to heal--I need to know more about human!Doctor--I need a Doctor to heal with, if that makes any sense. I think I just figured it out--a theory may be forming. I wonder if the divide of people who loved the ending and people who didn't so much trends with who we identify with within the ship. I see everything from the Doctor's perspective; I love Rose but it's the Doctor's feelings I care about the most. Maybe that's why I'm taking this pretty hard. But if I can read fic (or by some other measure) work through the heartbreak with the Doctor (either one, preferably both, but especially our!Doctor) maybe I can feel better about it too.

Wow, this is more emotional epiphany than is probably sane for someone to feel for a TV show/character, but thank you so much for writing this fic because it helps! Looks like my fix-it fics are going to be adjustment fics!

I just hope in canon we get to heal with the Doctor, too. If he never so much as mentions Rose again or indicates any related feelings, as if she never existed, I think I will be very sad. Sure, he's gotta move on but it'll seem kinda cheap if it's just like it never happened.

Wow, sorry for the uber tangent in your journal! I was inspired, I guess. XD;;;

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I imagine what character you identify with helps influence how you feel about the finale, though I think how you viewed the relationship and what you had as the ideal scenario would also play in. Those who prefer the TARDIS adventures might be more upset by the finale than those who might have liked to see a mortage and a go at normal, you know?

Personally, I was always slightly more of a Doctor fan than Rose fan, even if I liked both. It is a hard end for him, depending on how much you think he cared for Rose, I guess. But he I imagine he'd felt quite noble about it. I don't know if that would help him or not, but he sure got practice at self-sacrifice.

Anyway, thanks for reading :)

[teddy-tips.livejournal.com]

This resolves some of my issues with the finale. I can't see the 2nd Doctor being...entirely satisfied. Thank you, for not making it so easy.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Easy is less fun to write ;)

And thanks!

[rachelbeann.livejournal.com]

This is going in my memories. This was so beautiful and so everything a post-finale fic needs to be. Thank you! :)

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[kalleah.livejournal.com]

I very, very much liked this -- their new relationship is so complicated, and you showed that beautifully.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[lotus79.livejournal.com]

You amaze me. Fic already? And it is brilliant. Almost makes me want to get off my arse and watch.

And at the same time, doesn't. Cos I'll be disappointed that you didn't write it. ;)

[misscam.livejournal.com]

I wrote while I modded. I r effective. Whee!

Dude, if I wrote Doctor Who, it would probably be quite a different show. And these days, the Doctor would probably visit the Galactica once a month :P

[jenmorrioghan.livejournal.com]

Love this. You've brought reality to the fairy tale ending. It's not a reality without hope, but it is an honest one. I particularly like how it isn't simply Rose who must adjust to Human!Doctor, but Human!Doctor who must adjust to his own reality.

Wonderfully done.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

And yeah, I don't think it would be a fairy tale for them, but I do think they could have a good life. There would be issues, complications, adjustment and compromise, but that is life.