![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
misscamSo for various reasons I was skimming some old entries of mine and blah, blah, came across Thalia's LJ and...
The elusive apology I never got?
Saphie, did you talk to her? Cos she's using one of my exact bloody phrases there. Was that edited in or something? I sure as hell did not see that in December.
Ah, well. Been wondering if it's time to give up that grudge anyway. But the other hand it feels good to hold onto, y'know? I think we humans to a certain degree need negative symbols that we can pass negative emotions onto just as much as we need positive ones. Bush tends to be my Object of Choice because he in so many ways can be a representative for all I dislike and/or fear. I don't know him personally, which makes it easier. Public figures are symbols in one way or another, that's the job they take. I know this, as my very own father was a public figure in Norway (perhaps still is, I suppose). It does make me sometime feel bad about hating Bush, as I do know being a public figure is not always a particulary rewarding job. But then, we make the choices we make and we must live with them. And we hold the grudges we hold and must live with them, too.
I started thinking about all this beacuse I'm taking psychology at the University of Oslo and am having the most interesting time. There is so much to learn about our minds and so much to ask. And there's so much of myself I see so clearer. I've always wanted to understand myself, because quite frankly, I baffle myself quite greatly on many ocassions, one of them being how and why I maintain my grudges. My mind is my lifetime companion, so I reckon an effort at understanding its drives and wishes is well-spent time.
Of course, all this gets complicated by the fact that personality does not stand still. We change as our experiences grow. I am not the same Camilla of ten years ago (thank Odin) and not even the same as a year ago. Sometimes the changes are subtle, sometimes profound. Hence why Camilla was skimming her old LJ entries. Trying to spot traces of change, I suppose. But studying yourself is a perilous project because you are always yourself and you cannot seperate your mind into a part that observe and a part that is just being you. (Interesting point that may show a sublimal desire of Cam's - there was an original typo here making 'yourself' - 'your elf'. Hmmmm...)
Now this is partly why I like writing CSI fic, because Grissom strikes me as a person who have in some ways tried to do this, to make a scientific self free of human influence. And I idenity slightly with this, as I have a part of myself that tries the same, though not in a scientific way. It's like I have an inner journalist, really, calmly reporting on my inner going-ons. "And today, Wedensday Morning Ponderings with Camilla's Mind with special guest Inner Journalist and Cam's Sense of Self." But it is also a part of me.
The mind does have what feels like part, but it is also a whole. You couldn't take one part away and quite be yourself. There are people who just have parts of them go missing when suffering brain damage. I do wonder how that feels. Are they even aware something is missing, or do the new parts make a new whole and a new you that feels as complete as always? When change has occured, does not humans tend to believe the illusion it has always been so? And why is this self trying to understand itself?
So many questions and never enough answers. But as Pugh put it - "if the brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't."
*****
In other news:
Interesting Iraq article - Sings of Desperation.
In honour of my cycling mad parents -Cycling in Norway
Urple to the dictionary? x2? (As you may or may not know, Cam has a dream to do day be the source of a new word in the Oxford Dictionary. One day...)
The elusive apology I never got?
Saphie, did you talk to her? Cos she's using one of my exact bloody phrases there. Was that edited in or something? I sure as hell did not see that in December.
Ah, well. Been wondering if it's time to give up that grudge anyway. But the other hand it feels good to hold onto, y'know? I think we humans to a certain degree need negative symbols that we can pass negative emotions onto just as much as we need positive ones. Bush tends to be my Object of Choice because he in so many ways can be a representative for all I dislike and/or fear. I don't know him personally, which makes it easier. Public figures are symbols in one way or another, that's the job they take. I know this, as my very own father was a public figure in Norway (perhaps still is, I suppose). It does make me sometime feel bad about hating Bush, as I do know being a public figure is not always a particulary rewarding job. But then, we make the choices we make and we must live with them. And we hold the grudges we hold and must live with them, too.
I started thinking about all this beacuse I'm taking psychology at the University of Oslo and am having the most interesting time. There is so much to learn about our minds and so much to ask. And there's so much of myself I see so clearer. I've always wanted to understand myself, because quite frankly, I baffle myself quite greatly on many ocassions, one of them being how and why I maintain my grudges. My mind is my lifetime companion, so I reckon an effort at understanding its drives and wishes is well-spent time.
Of course, all this gets complicated by the fact that personality does not stand still. We change as our experiences grow. I am not the same Camilla of ten years ago (thank Odin) and not even the same as a year ago. Sometimes the changes are subtle, sometimes profound. Hence why Camilla was skimming her old LJ entries. Trying to spot traces of change, I suppose. But studying yourself is a perilous project because you are always yourself and you cannot seperate your mind into a part that observe and a part that is just being you. (Interesting point that may show a sublimal desire of Cam's - there was an original typo here making 'yourself' - 'your elf'. Hmmmm...)
Now this is partly why I like writing CSI fic, because Grissom strikes me as a person who have in some ways tried to do this, to make a scientific self free of human influence. And I idenity slightly with this, as I have a part of myself that tries the same, though not in a scientific way. It's like I have an inner journalist, really, calmly reporting on my inner going-ons. "And today, Wedensday Morning Ponderings with Camilla's Mind with special guest Inner Journalist and Cam's Sense of Self." But it is also a part of me.
The mind does have what feels like part, but it is also a whole. You couldn't take one part away and quite be yourself. There are people who just have parts of them go missing when suffering brain damage. I do wonder how that feels. Are they even aware something is missing, or do the new parts make a new whole and a new you that feels as complete as always? When change has occured, does not humans tend to believe the illusion it has always been so? And why is this self trying to understand itself?
So many questions and never enough answers. But as Pugh put it - "if the brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't."
*****
In other news:
Interesting Iraq article - Sings of Desperation.
In honour of my cycling mad parents -Cycling in Norway
Urple to the dictionary? x2? (As you may or may not know, Cam has a dream to do day be the source of a new word in the Oxford Dictionary. One day...)
