Cam's Self Ponders Itself on a Wedensday Afternoon

[misscam]

So for various reasons I was skimming some old entries of mine and blah, blah, came across Thalia's LJ and...

The elusive apology I never got?

Saphie, did you talk to her? Cos she's using one of my exact bloody phrases there. Was that edited in or something? I sure as hell did not see that in December.

Ah, well. Been wondering if it's time to give up that grudge anyway. But the other hand it feels good to hold onto, y'know? I think we humans to a certain degree need negative symbols that we can pass negative emotions onto just as much as we need positive ones. Bush tends to be my Object of Choice because he in so many ways can be a representative for all I dislike and/or fear. I don't know him personally, which makes it easier. Public figures are symbols in one way or another, that's the job they take. I know this, as my very own father was a public figure in Norway (perhaps still is, I suppose). It does make me sometime feel bad about hating Bush, as I do know being a public figure is not always a particulary rewarding job. But then, we make the choices we make and we must live with them. And we hold the grudges we hold and must live with them, too.

I started thinking about all this beacuse I'm taking psychology at the University of Oslo and am having the most interesting time. There is so much to learn about our minds and so much to ask. And there's so much of myself I see so clearer. I've always wanted to understand myself, because quite frankly, I baffle myself quite greatly on many ocassions, one of them being how and why I maintain my grudges. My mind is my lifetime companion, so I reckon an effort at understanding its drives and wishes is well-spent time.

Of course, all this gets complicated by the fact that personality does not stand still. We change as our experiences grow. I am not the same Camilla of ten years ago (thank Odin) and not even the same as a year ago. Sometimes the changes are subtle, sometimes profound. Hence why Camilla was skimming her old LJ entries. Trying to spot traces of change, I suppose. But studying yourself is a perilous project because you are always yourself and you cannot seperate your mind into a part that observe and a part that is just being you. (Interesting point that may show a sublimal desire of Cam's - there was an original typo here making 'yourself' - 'your elf'. Hmmmm...)

Now this is partly why I like writing CSI fic, because Grissom strikes me as a person who have in some ways tried to do this, to make a scientific self free of human influence. And I idenity slightly with this, as I have a part of myself that tries the same, though not in a scientific way. It's like I have an inner journalist, really, calmly reporting on my inner going-ons. "And today, Wedensday Morning Ponderings with Camilla's Mind with special guest Inner Journalist and Cam's Sense of Self." But it is also a part of me.

The mind does have what feels like part, but it is also a whole. You couldn't take one part away and quite be yourself. There are people who just have parts of them go missing when suffering brain damage. I do wonder how that feels. Are they even aware something is missing, or do the new parts make a new whole and a new you that feels as complete as always? When change has occured, does not humans tend to believe the illusion it has always been so? And why is this self trying to understand itself?

So many questions and never enough answers. But as Pugh put it - "if the brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't."

*****

In other news:

Interesting Iraq article - Sings of Desperation.

In honour of my cycling mad parents -Cycling in Norway

Urple to the dictionary? x2? (As you may or may not know, Cam has a dream to do day be the source of a new word in the Oxford Dictionary. One day...)

Comments

[shandydann]

The sheep reminded me of an article I saw ages ago on ABC news austrailia, about gangs of sheep terrorising the locals and the town were going to call a curfew on the sheep. I have it linked somewhere.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Because sheep are so curfew abiding...?

[norwegianne.livejournal.com]

http://www.aftenposten.no/english/bildeserier/article865078.ece?start=2 What the undertext should really have said: Cycling in Norway is dangerous. Any time you may come across wild beasts, who will spare no effort in eating bikers. The savage beasts are, however, not fond of metal.

http://www.aftenposten.no/english/bildeserier/article865078.ece?start=3 quote:Most roads are well-marked and there are lots of sights to see along the way, like on this trip through the Oppland County and Vestre Gausdal.

This picture would have been better off being taken in Trøndelag where they have a place called Hell, if my memory serves me right. While I found this picture hysterical funny, especially with the undertext, most English speakers wouldn't get it.


I also happen to like this article: http://www.aftenposten.no/english/local/article865900.ece though the Norwegian ones, with pictures that are more... more.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Tssssk. You are a naughty one. You'll have Americans thinking our country is full of nasty things that can eat them and they'll never come! *sees lightbulb* Aha! That is your plan!

And yeah, there is a Hell. I used to have a postcard from it, which also had the sign 'godsexpedisjon', which of course might confuse poor English-speaking people even mire.

Heh, I saw that penis atlas one. Too bad they didn't have some athelts and football players and such help out. I'd buy that book.

[sinneahtes.livejournal.com]

I think that apology in Thalia's LJ was there in December, or at least I remembered seeing it then.

Ooh, psychology, perhaps my favorite elective. It's so fun to learn about characteristics of people and what they might mean and apply your knowledge to yourself. Though from my experiences (the Personality Psychology class I'm taking this semester is the third psychology class I've had in my life), the more I learn, the more questions I have. But I think that's one of the nifty things about a course like that. (Introspection is fun. ^_^;)

Some of those scenic pics of Norway are somehow reminding me of Ireland, even though most of it's a very different landscape (though apparently there is a fjord in Ireland's lovely Connemara region)... *sniffles and goes to look at the digital photos she didn't lose in her hard drive crash*

[misscam.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure the parts about me and Shada were not. I'd remember.

Introspection is indeed fun and you can at last figure out just what you can blame the parents for.

Iceland is quite different from Norway, but I guess both share that a rugged feel to them, shaped by the north Atlantic waves and the ice. It's a nice country and they still speak Ancient Norse.

[evilstorm.livejournal.com]

There is a quote in Steppenwolf, about taking parts of yourself and rearranging them against each other, and thus making various combinations to live with, until you find the one that suits you--that suits the core of you, the one true You--best.

Dontcha love metacognition?

I think everyone reads their old lj entries. It's a real eye-opener, and perilous ain't the half of it. I always find that when I dig out the old entries the old feelings that go with the posts often come flooding back, and that can get...awkward. But it's good for building defences. I'm not certain that it's entirely a good thing to separate the observer from the participant, because in the end they're still parts of a whole, and getting both to understand the changes, well, frankly it just feels good. It's lovely in a really weird way to see your old self, and recognize the bits that you've kept or changed, and which things you value, and reinforce the reasons behind everything, making you more you.

Urrr, I have a lot of time to think about things, heheheh.

I'd like to go to Norway some time.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Heh. I like that - like your mind is lego 'bricks' and you can build what you want from them. Just a matter of arranging them right.

Not sure it is possible to split an Observing You from the rest. The self tends to be a whole regardless of what you try because it all amounts in the end to the feeling of being you. And you can't really detatch any parts from that. Unless of course one has serious problems.

Do drop by if you're ever in Norway.

[irian.livejournal.com]

Oooh, sheep! Hehe.

When I opened the page ther ewas this ad on the sidebar for teh Oslo Sweater Co. or somesuch. Would really love to own a real Norweigian sweater. Except where would I use it here in my country?

[buttercup87.livejournal.com]

You could um . . . um . . . You could charge admission for people to look at your real live pretty Norwegian sweater!

[misscam.livejournal.com]

The wool ones might not be very usable if you live somewhere non-cold, no. But they do have cotton versions too.

[mademoisellenon.livejournal.com]

There are incidents that you can do your best to forget and move on. Sometimes, however, it's impossible. There just are some things, some episodes that you cannot forgive, or forget for that matter.

From what you told me about this Thalia debacle, I'm very grrr about the whole thing. What she did was pathetic and wrong. Oooh, look, I'm passing judgement here But I distinctly remember you saying that you didn't get the apology, while she was running around apologizing to everyone else. You don't strike me as the kind of a person to overlook important things so let's think....

I know *exactly* what you mean about holding on to a grudge because it makes you feel good. I do the same, especially if that person is still alive and I haven't killed them yet.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Well, it is possible I overlooked it, but this was around the very time I was moaning about not getting apologies and went on about how it cheaped my plagiarism experience - and look, she uses the same phrase - and if that apology would have been there at the time, I'm pretty sure some of the readers of this LJ (some being friends of Thalia) would have alerted me.

*mutters darkly* Oh well. I'm feeling decidedly less bitter about it these days, which is something. It's hard to keep the same intensity in a grudge without new deeds to inflame it.

[puredeadthingy.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I wish our psychology course was as interesting as yours seems to be. I'm intensely interested in the study of the mind, but so many people are just using this time as an excuse to doze, do other homework or just be generally annoying. What can you do?
..Oh, I know, read the textbook and pass exams that way. *grins*
I do indeed love the Pugh quote.
Oh, and evilstorm, I agree about the 'feelings+lj=awkwardness' thing. It is very scary how those feelings come back, with an extra edge..

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Or track down someone as interested in it as you are and form a study group where you really help each other learn.

[psychicsaphie.livejournal.com]

Er, no. Other than the initial "Dude, why aren't you apologizing to the other people that deserve it" etc that I told you about, I didn't say anything else to her about the issue.

And I don't remember seeing that the first time, so she must have edited it in. I have no idea when she did it though.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Ah, okay. I was wondering because she had some of the phrases I was throwing around at the time, so I guessed she either heard it from you (or someone else, I suppose) or read my LJ. Hmmm.

[elenculda.livejournal.com]

That is really odd. I don't remember ever reading that post. I don't remember Thalia EVER apologising to me personally. Except once, on AIM. Which was quite ironic, because shortly after, she lied. Compulsively. Again.

...that facet of my life is permanently over now.

I started thinking about all this beacuse I'm taking psychology at the University of Oslo and am having the most interesting time.

Have you ever taken psychology before? I had it last year, and while I wasn't particularly interested in learning about the research process, I was and still am fascinated by the area of mental illness and the basic theory of psychology. The human mind is fascinating, and I look forward to philosophy, which I hope to take soon.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

She did? Some people never learn, eh? *shakes head*

Nah,I haven't had psychology before, just sociology and philsophy. So I'm used to some of the ways of thinking and such. But I haven't studied brain processes and such before. It's really fascinating. The brain is a brilliant tool running on simple electricity and yet does so many complex things. I adore it immensly.

[undeadgoat.livejournal.com]

That first one? Submitted by a GoatGirl? That was me. Is the etymology thing right? Because I don't remember writing it . . . yeah.

And don't worry, I'm doing my best to spread the word urple throughout TEH WURLD OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!eleven! And I am plotting on how to point the dictionary-makers to OFUM as the source of urple. Because you can't come right out and say you invented it; that's top on the list of How Not To Get Your Word Into the Dictionary. I suppose that whenever anyone sees it in a dictionary, they should refute the earliest source (unless it's OFUM) and send 'em to OFUM. Not sure how web counts for ciations, though . . . forgot to ask the lady that when she was saying how they were working on the Third Edition of the OED now.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Eh. When I created urple it was just from a misspelling, so the tourp' bit wasn't in my mind, but it seems to be commonly figured that is part of it, so... What the heck.

I think to get into the OED, it has to appeared in several sources and have had some usage. Like perhaps in some newspapers or a book. So I have to hope for that, I suppose.

[greencat3.livejournal.com]

My mini definition

Hah, I had forgotten that I made the official mini definition in the Urban Dictionary. As a plus, I've gotten my mum to start saying urple, especially in regards to some colors of flowers.

Uh, when I eventually write a fiction book in the next fifteen years or so, do you give me permission to use "urple"?

Take heart, Cam! Soon, the world-eh, OED-shall be OURS! *maniacal laughter*

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Sure, use away! A little wee mention in the author's note would be thrilling, though.

When I take over the world, I shall take over the OED to. And have people run it for me. Want in?

[nenya_kanadka]

Urple in a dictionary? Sweet. :D I know it's in the fandom dictionary that theglossary are putting together (though they don't have the right etymology--no mention of OFUM last I checked, so I told them) but it's awesome to have it in some other word-list. Perhaps it *will* make it to a hardcopy dictionary some day....

[nenya_kanadka]

Ohsmeg. It's not "urple" I commented on at theglossary, it's "Nuzgul". Pointed them to your website, Miss Cam.

They do not have "urple". I shall go submit it.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Ah yeah, I know that site. OFUM's mentioned as the inspiration for fanfic Universities as a sort of genre, I think. 'Tis most sweet to be the inspiration for something.