The Vorlons and the Shadows ask, and I answer

[misscam]

I just finished plowing my way through Babylon 5 on DVD, all five seasons (though not in one go,obviously). I'm now feeling sad. The last episode, Sleeping in Light, just makes me cry every dratted time. The Sheridan/Delenn (the pair is on my new icon - they're so adorable together) goodbye, the station going in a blaze of fire, the knowledge this is the end of B5... Oh, how I love this show. My favorite show ever. I watched it through season one to five and it was like a journey to watch. Sometimes, I really do miss the days when it was still on.

All this got me thinking. In Babylon 5, the Vorlons and the Shadows each ask one question. The Vorlons ask: "Who are you?" The Shadows ask: "What do you want?"

So who am I and what do I want?

I am Camilla, daughter to Reidun and Matz, sister to Marius. I am a child of Norway, a child of Earth. I am human.I am the dreams I've had and my dreams to come. I am good and bad both and I walk the shades of grey. I am my mind, my heart, my body. I am what I will make myself to be.

I want life. Life to be lived, life to be enjoyed, life to bond to, life to love. I want my heart to be good and my mind to be wise. I want to make a difference. I want for the Earth to be better and brighter, but never prefected. I want peace and to sit in and be simply happy with myself. I want love and lust and to be cherished and be able to return the favour. In the end, I want my ashes scattered in a mild wind and fall like leaves over Norwegian soil. And I want that wind to haunt the grave of George W. Bush. So there.

No good answers to these questions, are there? That is rather the point. But sometimes, it's not about the answers, but the questions we ask ourselves.

So what questions do you ask yourself in the still of the night?

Comments

[syncopated_time.livejournal.com]

I guess I ask myself pretty typical questions.

"Why am I still here?"
"What am I doing?"
"What am I going to do?"
"What am I supposed to do with my life?"
"Where will I be in five years? In ten?"

Lots of do/be in there. I guess that's because I feel like my life is just in a holding pattern right now. I have an OK job but I'm not doing anything special/important. I don't really have a social life and I don't go out much. I'm just sort of going day to and and continuing to survive. But I don't want to just survive - I want to live. I keep asking myself what I want to do hoping that through doing I'll find living. I don't know if that's the best route but I'm not sure what else to do right now. I'm sort of at an impasse at the moment. Well, if you can consider a year and a half a "moment." Hm.

Er, sorry. Didn't meant to psychoanalyse myself in your journal. *moves along*

[misscam.livejournal.com]

I think we all have stages of that in our lives. Transitional phases that seem to stretch on forever and ever. I'm not sure there is any great way to fix it. Changes will come. They always do.

The way I have dealt with is to find joy in all the little things. Nothing is life is wasted. So I try to find meaning in just living instead of finding meaning with my life, you know?

Good things come to those who wait, they say, so I hope that will be true of you as well.

[jakie-f.livejournal.com]

Did I do that major project/my homework? Am I taking my fandom too seriously? Do fangirls REALLY deserve the hell I give them? When Fern comes over will I really be able to help her? Just what the hell was with the "Freddy died by fire, Jason by water" thing in FvJ? Is it a BAD thing to be an NoES fan and want to be a children's librarian? Am I a poseur? Do people really like me or just put up with me? Will Bush win the election - and if he does, will our economy, international relations, and civil rights survive the process? Am I a hypocrite? Are there moral absolutes, and what are they? How much of life is in the grey area? How can we live in a world where torture is brushed aside in favor of screaming over how OMG TWO MEN/WOMEN ARE GETTING MARRIED IT'S A SIN OMG? Is trying to live your life by what more-or-less passes as bushido a bad thing? Have honor and personal sacrifice really gone out of style? Am I naive for believing that if I could just get people to talk - really talk to each other - we could sort thing out? Am I an utter tool because I will race to help anyone who needs it? Am I in actuality a worthless and lazy person with delusions of grandeur? Does love actually exist, and will it ever happen to me? What's the big deal about sex anyway? Am I an attractive person? Am I a nice person? What does it mean to be human, anyway? And how, when you really get down to it, does it all work?

I don't get much sleep.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Am I naive for believing that if I could just get people to talk - really talk to each other - we could sort thing out?

Probably, but we mend the world to our ideas. Gandhi was naive and he still changed the world. Sometimes, i think it's the naive people we need, not just the cynics. Those who can keep that sort of belief through all the nastiness life can show up - those are the people we need to make a better world.

[sinneahtes.livejournal.com]

How much sleep will I get tonight?
Will I be rested enough to have a good day tomorrow?
Will I wake up in time to do what I need to?
Will anything I do tomorrow matter, anyway?
Where am I going to be a year from now? Next semester, even?

Was I out of line the way I argued with that person?
Am I as close to being "right" as a person can be in that argument, anyway?
What if something I said in my last LJ/message board post/comment gets seen by a random passerby, becomes ridiculously controversial, and gets spread throughout the internet before I'm ready to deal with it?

What if the next sunburn I have is the absolute last one my type of skin can handle, and I develop a horrible skin disease?
What if this minor discomfort I feel now turns out to be a symptom of something absolutely horrible?
What if my sense of security in this small, sheltered town is totally false and I or someone I love get to be the first person to learn this the hard way?

Will I ever be able to read the news and not want to cry through most of the stories?

I ask a lot of questions in the darkness... usually the kinds that leave me awake all night. But I'm glad I ask questions. Nearly everything I know that is worth knowing, I know because someone out there asked a question, even if the answer was unintended.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Funny how often we ask questions in a way that ensure bad answers. No one's ever completely safe. We can all suddenly turn sick and die or lose people around us. This is life. It doesn't come with a warranty for smooth running.

But we build our illusions of safety and love forever and I don't think it's wrong to have them. Perhaps they will shatter - but a bad experience doesn't get any better by anticipating it with every breath.

That's my rule here in life, anyway.

[sinneahtes.livejournal.com]

I have to be honest, I do like to be kept awake at night thinking of questions like these (just not dealing with the sleepiness the next day, but I'd have that anyway -- mornings were not invented with me in mind ;P). I'm a constant daydreamer (daydreams being, as far as I can tell, just a person planning in their mind what they would do in an imagined fantasy or "what if?" situation). They could never in reality prepare a person for the horrible things that could happen, but they do give something to reflect on and think about beforehand, and times have happened when asking a question long before ended up helping when the situation actually happened. And they can help me better appreciate the good things I do have, or to sympathize with those who are not as fortunate when I meet them.

That's also not to say that I live with the negative first and foremost in mind. My parents did work hard enough to have their children live in this place where it's extremely rare to hear about serious crimes and the poverty rate is only 1% and the world just seems to be kept out by the mountains that surround the town -- "It could never happen here" is one of the prevailing sentiments of the town, and I don't want to spoil it with the constant thoughts of, "Well, at any moment, that could happen and spoil it and we'd never be prepared..." I somehow feel that while feeling like that in moderation is okay, too much of it helps to forget my parents' work, and the work of those who help keep life safe and happy. Whatever happens, happens, but we're here and it's not happening at the moment, so there's no use living in fear.

Wouldn't give me much of a life to be so frightened of my next sunburn that I never step out into the light again, would it? "Just remember the sunblock at the beach" is all I need to worry about.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Norway's pretty sheltered as well and it's pretty common among Norwegians to consider the worst anyway. What does this say about the human mind, I wonder?

But there are worse things to live by then "be prepared for the worst, hope for the best", I suppose.

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

What do people really think of me?
Would they tell me what they really thought of me?
If they did, would I accept it?

Am I brave enough to tell people what I truly think of them?

Will I love one day?
Will I be loved one day?
Will the world ever make sense?
When, if ever, will the "one day"s turn into "today"?

Have I made a difference in the world? Can I? Should I? Will I?

If I died tomorrow, who would mourn? Who would celebrate?

Do I know where I'm going?
Do I know where I've come from?

Is it too late for the human race to redeem itself? Or were we doomed from the beginning?

And finally,

What's more important: the answer or the question?

It's a wonder I sleep at all.

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Who am I?

I am human being, a daughter and a sister, a friend and an enemy. I am both good and evil and I walk the path between. I am one star in the sky, one raindrop in the ocean, one voice in a choir. I am a traveller on the road and like everyone else on the path, I walk alone, but together. There was life before I came and life will go on when I am gone. I am not the greatest nor the smartest nor the first nor the last, but I am here. I am myself, and in the eyes of the world this is all and everything I can be.

What do I want?

I want life, I want to live. I want to hear and be heard, to see and be seen. I want to be part of the world and help heal the hurts we inflict upon each other and ourselves. I want the peace that comes not from oppression but from compassion. I want the freedom and the courage to be my own self and make my own way in the world. I want the courage to encounter Death as a friend rather than a foe. And I want the world to know that I exist and to be accepted for who I am - me.

[misscam.livejournal.com]

I am one star in the sky, one raindrop in the ocean, one voice in a choir.

Very well put. I like that phrase. Says something about the beauty of one life on its own as well as lives joined together.

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Tough call. Well, here goes:

I am the blossom that blooms on the highest mountaintop, amid the ice and snow. The one, the first, the only.

Suggestions? (Very flattered that you like that phrase, thankyou for that).

[greyladybast.livejournal.com]

Who am I?

I am Christine. I am GreyLadyBast, sometimes known as Bast. I am Mommy. I am "Chris, can you?" I am nameless, and I am Named. I am, I said.

I am prone to random, and frequently inappropriate (or eerily appropriate...) quoting. I am fen. I am alpha bitch to the family dogs. I am pagan. I am Christian. I am Jedi, Quaker, once in a while Taoist and sometimes Buddhist. I am superstitious. I am confused much of the time.

I am lazy, compassionate, selfish, creative, temperamental, considerate, forgetful, bright, mood-swingy, childish, childlike, sometimes cheerful and often lonely.

I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend, ex-wife, and internet buddy. I am in lust with Elijah Wood. I am celibate and NOT happy about that.

I am disclosing too much information. I am changing the subject now.

What do I want?

Honestly, I don't know. I want to know what I want.

What do I ask myself in the still of the night?

Will the Red Sox really win the World Series? If they do, will my stupidstition that it will spell Armageddon actually come true? Does Idaho really exist?

[misscam.livejournal.com]

Perhaps what you want, you have and thus no great desires of wanting overcomes you? *shrugs* Or perhaps your heart knows what you want and your mind does not.

Besides, when life changes, when we change, what we want changes too, but sometimes, it takes a while to adjust.

[(Anonymous)]

Ah. Hour-of-the-wolf questions, eh?

Will I wake up tomorrow, or die in my sleep? Will my mother still be here? Will my best friend's condition worsen? What would I feel like if she died? What would I say at her funeral? Do I really have faith, or do I just live a lie? Do I live what I believe? Is Bush REALLY better than Kerry? Will I have a good day tomorrow? Will I have time to do the homework I put off in favour of fanfics? Will I ever be able to stop doing the things that are wrong to do, that I am aware of, but still do anyways?

And as for who I am, I am Abigail, daughter of Jonathan and Janet, sister of Jeremy, Jacob, Benjamin, and Claire, lover of all things poetic and beautiful, the colour aqua, and raspberries, reader of books and singer of songs, leader, undisciplined, unaware.

I want order, love, peace, laughter- butterflies bold enough to land on my face- more early childhood days laughing and running and walking on stilts with my Grandpa Roth. I want serious beauty, and strong sensations, and trust. I want perfection.

fondued jicama

[misscam.livejournal.com]

I can pretty much guarantee you that you will not get perfection. Humans are too flawed to regonise it or make it. So we make do with what we have.

As for Bush being better than Kerry - well, you probably have an idea to what I'd reply to that.

[reia.livejournal.com]

I try not to think to much before I go to sleep, or else I wind up dreaming about it, but these are my most common ones.

-Did I get everything done I needed to?
-Is someone going to need me tomorrow?
-Will I wind up taking care of someone else's child AGAIN with no pay now, or in foreseeable future?
-Is my sister alright?
-Will I be able to keep up when I finally go to collage?
-Why am I so motherly at such a young age?
-Will I ever get a boyfriend? (This one repeats itself a little too much.)
-Do I *really* need to pee, or can I lay here in my warm nest for a few more minutes without busting?

I am Sarah, daughter of Jeff and Debbie, sister of Melody. I am dependable to a fault. I am only now becoming comfortable with me. I am still growing, learning, and wondering. I feel young and old at the same time. I am always in the background, but I'm okay with that. I am a Christian that swears and refuses to go to church. I am stronger that I appear.

[jedilora.livejournal.com]

How long can this string of luck last?
Did I really get everything done that I need to?
Can I be a real adult, as opposed to the somewhat pretend being of a college student?
How come the news isn't?
If given the opportunity to fix one major problem in the world, what would I do and how? (This usually is after another bombing goes off in either Iraq or Israel.)

And as of late:

How do I give the "just be friends" speech without sounding like a cliche?

I have simple questions.

[evilstorm.livejournal.com]

Such as, what would I do if I found out that M-e was real? (This is usually followed by frantic praying, "pleaseletitbesopleaseletisbeso", but that's a different story.) Would it really be my dream come true? What would they be like?...And will we finally get to have our greatest revenge on the foaming rabid Mary-Sues?

And of course the more mundane ones, like am I ever going to get around to writing that fic? Or even just finishing all the stuff I'm supposed to read, even? Or how about, ohcrap how the hell am I going to wake up tomorrow, why didn't I do my homework earlier, am I going to have enough sleep?

Sometimes the dark gets to me, and I ask: if I wake up tomorrow and my parents are dead, will I be able to cry? Will I be able to grieve? How will I live?

But usually they're better than that.

The best of all is when I get to ask: what will sing me the wanderlust-trueworld theme as my lullaby tonight? Will I hear the city nightlights and the dull roar of the cars, or the stars and wolfsong instead, in the realm between waking and sleeping?

_{I have a weird theology/philosophy of my own, with all sorts of things mixed in there.}

And last of all I ask, why am I still awake? Am I not cradled securely enough in the embrace of the world? Why ask questions when you already (usually) know the answer? (I still don't know how I'd grieve for my parents, but I try not to ask that one.)

What dreams await me, now?

And then I go to sleep.


Who am I?

I am Nat. I am the one and only. I am born of fire, and I am proud, and I am passionate, and that is my greatest gift. I am simple and complicated. I sing my harmony in the great theme of the cosmos. I love and am loved. And these are all I need to know, to be secure in my self and soul, for now and always.

What do I want?

I want to set the world aright--I want the Marring to be undone. I want to heal some of the Marring, and that is all I ask of my life.

(Entirely too fandom obsessed, yussyuss.)

I have odd questions. Simple, and odd, and usually the answer's locked up somewhere in my own head. I don't think much about the future, I have that eternal optimism that it'll work out in the end. So my questions wander along the same paths, and eventually the answer spells itself out for me, and that is that.