Life and death

[misscam]

My last remaining grandparent died this weekend. My mum called me and told me he'd suffered a heartattack and died and all I could do was sit on my couch and stare at the air. Me and my brother used to stay with him and my grandmother during summers. I remember watching football with him, I remember playing in his sandpit, eating grandma's waffles in the kitchen. Now they are both gone, as my childhood is. I feel such loss. For me, for them, for my father. And eventually, I must lose him too.

It's been a while since I last lost someone in my family. I don't think I've managed to understand it yet. Death is just a word and my mind keeps repeating it, but the meaning seems lost somewhere, wandering. And when it catches up, I will have to grieve. Perhaps that is why I am making myself not understand it, I don't know. Delaying the inevitable. Grief will come. I can feel it waiting for me in the shadows of my mind. But if I grieve, he will really be dead and I don't want him to be.

I miss him.

And life goes on, treading softly in the autumn light.

Comments

[belegcuthalion.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Camilla.

[neffinesse.livejournal.com]

My sincerest condolences. I'm still dreading the day I lose either of my remaining grandparents.

[rakshi.livejournal.com]

Sending healing thoughts to you and your family, sweetie. And, yes. Life does go on.. even when we wish it would slow down a bit.

*hugs*

[jakie-f.livejournal.com]

*gives cookies and cyberhugs*

My honorary gramma died of cancer a couple year ago. It really hurt... but you do get over it. Honest injun.

[sinneahtes.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry... I don't know what I can possibly say that will be of much help, but the best of wishes from me to you and your family.

[lotus79.livejournal.com]

:(

*hugs*

Even now your turn of phrase is beautiful.

I only have one grandparent left. I know it will feel like the end of an era when she goes (thankfully, I don't think that will be soon... she's just sold her little bungalow in the south of England to move nearer to my aunt in Ireland. Made a packet, too.) even though we've never been very close--since she lives so very far away from me.

Anytime you wanna chat, email me. Got my last exam on Friday--after that I'll be able to be online a lot more often.

I'm sorry

[greyladybast.livejournal.com]

My sincerest condolances.

*hugs*

Bast

[maureenlycaon.livejournal.com]

*mega-hugs* I'm sorry to hear this.

Now matter how grown-up we are, it still hurts to know that the people (and the places) who made up our childhood are gone, that that world can never return.

[neongreenleaf.livejournal.com]

Sorry dear. My sincerest condolences.

[darksylvia.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about this sort of thing the other day, too. My grandma is 91 and she could die at any moment. And at some point, my parents are going to die which frankly doesn't seem possible, but I know it will devistating when they do and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.

[sasja-sokolov.livejournal.com]

*hug* I'm very sorry. My sincere sympathy is yours.

[cloudofcalm.livejournal.com]

I don't know you all that well. Very little, in fact. But I do - God, I do know what's happening. Because it's happening to me.

My grandmother is almost there, and grieving before it happens is almost as bad. But I completely understand.

It doesn't seem real. It only ever seems real when you focus and really think about it. And you don't want to hold on to it, because that hurts. And it means it's an end.

I'm not good with words right now. But..someone out here knows the feeling. Going through it.

[chem-nerd.livejournal.com]

Everyone else seems to be much better with words than I am tonight, so...*hugs and chocolate*

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

My deepest sympathies. I haven't had anyone close to me die for a while either, but I felt the same way when my folks split up. A "if I don't think about it it won't happen and it'll all go away" kind of feeling. But after so much uncertainty, at least I have a definite decision. And I'm coping.

No shadow lasts forever. Somehow, somewhere, the sun will soon shine again.

[beregondsgirl.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

I know completely what you mean about Death not really having a meaning. I lost both my grandfathers this year, and it still hasn't entirely sunk in.

*hugs*

[irian.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry.

[irian.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry.

[irian.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry...

[psychicsaphie.livejournal.com]

I can't offer you any comforting words of an afterlife, because I know you don't believe in it, and given all that you've told me about Norway, it might be something your grandfather would laugh at too.

All I can say is that every death leads to new life. Your grandfather will go into the earth, and a single grain of might go to the roots of tree like the dust Galadriel gave Sam that he threw to the wind to spread to the four corners of the Shire. It will help the tree bear fruit and then someone will eat it and survive, and the basic elements of it are what will form a baby somewhere down the line, and maybe that child will leave the world a better place than it was when they came into it.

I'm sure your granfather did leave this world a better plae than it was when he came into it, if only for the influence he had on your life. And Now he'll help life go on, too.

It's a very messy biological faith, but it's nice to think about, nonetheless--that death leads to new life. And I hope that you're comforted somehow, even if it's not by me.