The Promised Rants...
Feb. 11th, 2005 03:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
misscamCSI spoilers make me want to weep. As do reading incest boards. Wah.
Speaking of CSI, new chapter of When the Dead Awaken is up.
Anyway, onto the meme of the last post...
ETA: Since people keep posting requests, I'll do a round two on it later. So if you have a pairing you want a rant on, you can still get your boot in.
Legolas/Anyone - Legolas is a humble, rather unimportant (in the grand scheme of things) Elf. When pairing the poor Elf up, so many suddenly make him more important than Frodo. Love does a lot of thing to people. But not that. Pair him wisely, with a hint of Canon at least and not with Evil!Thranduil. Thank you.
Snape/Harry - Passionate dislike of someone does not equal hot, sexual urges. Just because these two butt heads in Canon doesn't mean they also want to butt other things, believe me. If this pairing has any hope of working, their dislike has to be dealt with and not swept away by some ingenius spell that would make Dumbledore proud.
Faramir/Boromir - Hoo boy. Incest. Not my favourite cup of tea. However, I'll still take this pairing over Denethor doing either of his sons. Except when Boromir is made a strong authority figure and Faramir a wimpy little brother and my pedophilia squick forces me to taste my breakfast coming up.
Gimli/Gollum - Huh? Honestly, at this point I can only see at this point in his mental development Gollum interested in one kind of hole, and it's golden-crusted and likes to shiny pretty markings in fires.
Aragorn/Boromir - Arwen. Arwen. Arwen. Arwen. Arwen. Arwen. ARWEN! Repeat until infinity. Though if they got really drunk in Hollin one night, as the Hobbits slept... No, no, no. Arwen. Arwen. ARWEN!
Elrond/Aragorn - Oy, father figure suick! Not to mention - getting your future father-in-law to approve of the match is not best done by shagging him. Trust Miss Cam on this. Not to mention: ARWEN!
Gandalf and Saruman - Sometimes a staff is just a staff and not a clever euphamism for dodgy activities involving point hats. And I doubt even the Halfing's Weed could muddle brains that much. Besides, being Maia both, they probably found shagging in Valinor much more fulfilling, when they weren't stuck in the shapes of old men.
Gimli/Haldir - IfGimli was ever to do an Elf, the humble prince of Mirkwood would be it, not the Elf who blind-folded him. Though Dwares may hold grudges, the literature does not suggest they made repayment sexual.
Faramir/Eowyn - Oh, blessed Canon. Some say Éowyn settled for Faramir when she could not have Aragorn. I say Faramir is a better match and a kinder heart, and their suffering in many ways mirrored the other's. They could understand each other and from there grew love.
Legolas/Éowyn - Not every woman wants herself an Elf. Éowyn seem quite content without pointed ears to nibble at. It is possible not to want to have an orgasm with the humble prince of Mirkwood, y'know.
Tim/Killer Rabbit - One wonders why the Killer Rabbit started killing, and killing everyone. Jealous rage much? And he is a very fast, clever little fluffy thing. Who can resist?
Bill/Shadowfax - While Bill deserves love, I think a little pony lass with a golden mane would do better than the busy white wind of Rohan, who probably likes to stop by so fast it's blink and you'll miss it.
Sam/Rosie - Thirteen children. Count them. Consider that each child takes a fair amount of... Ahem... Work to produce. Consider that Sam also worked. What more would a poor Hobbit have energy for? Certainly not shagging Master Frodo wildly in the shrubbery.
Lurtz/Ugluk - I should be squicked. And rant about how evil does not automatically equal sexual perversity. But I'm just happy the humble prince of Mirkwood is not about, so I'll just let the two shag widely behind Saruman's couch.
Speaking of CSI, new chapter of When the Dead Awaken is up.
Anyway, onto the meme of the last post...
ETA: Since people keep posting requests, I'll do a round two on it later. So if you have a pairing you want a rant on, you can still get your boot in.
Legolas/Anyone - Legolas is a humble, rather unimportant (in the grand scheme of things) Elf. When pairing the poor Elf up, so many suddenly make him more important than Frodo. Love does a lot of thing to people. But not that. Pair him wisely, with a hint of Canon at least and not with Evil!Thranduil. Thank you.
Snape/Harry - Passionate dislike of someone does not equal hot, sexual urges. Just because these two butt heads in Canon doesn't mean they also want to butt other things, believe me. If this pairing has any hope of working, their dislike has to be dealt with and not swept away by some ingenius spell that would make Dumbledore proud.
Faramir/Boromir - Hoo boy. Incest. Not my favourite cup of tea. However, I'll still take this pairing over Denethor doing either of his sons. Except when Boromir is made a strong authority figure and Faramir a wimpy little brother and my pedophilia squick forces me to taste my breakfast coming up.
Gimli/Gollum - Huh? Honestly, at this point I can only see at this point in his mental development Gollum interested in one kind of hole, and it's golden-crusted and likes to shiny pretty markings in fires.
Aragorn/Boromir - Arwen. Arwen. Arwen. Arwen. Arwen. Arwen. ARWEN! Repeat until infinity. Though if they got really drunk in Hollin one night, as the Hobbits slept... No, no, no. Arwen. Arwen. ARWEN!
Elrond/Aragorn - Oy, father figure suick! Not to mention - getting your future father-in-law to approve of the match is not best done by shagging him. Trust Miss Cam on this. Not to mention: ARWEN!
Gandalf and Saruman - Sometimes a staff is just a staff and not a clever euphamism for dodgy activities involving point hats. And I doubt even the Halfing's Weed could muddle brains that much. Besides, being Maia both, they probably found shagging in Valinor much more fulfilling, when they weren't stuck in the shapes of old men.
Gimli/Haldir - IfGimli was ever to do an Elf, the humble prince of Mirkwood would be it, not the Elf who blind-folded him. Though Dwares may hold grudges, the literature does not suggest they made repayment sexual.
Faramir/Eowyn - Oh, blessed Canon. Some say Éowyn settled for Faramir when she could not have Aragorn. I say Faramir is a better match and a kinder heart, and their suffering in many ways mirrored the other's. They could understand each other and from there grew love.
Legolas/Éowyn - Not every woman wants herself an Elf. Éowyn seem quite content without pointed ears to nibble at. It is possible not to want to have an orgasm with the humble prince of Mirkwood, y'know.
Tim/Killer Rabbit - One wonders why the Killer Rabbit started killing, and killing everyone. Jealous rage much? And he is a very fast, clever little fluffy thing. Who can resist?
Bill/Shadowfax - While Bill deserves love, I think a little pony lass with a golden mane would do better than the busy white wind of Rohan, who probably likes to stop by so fast it's blink and you'll miss it.
Sam/Rosie - Thirteen children. Count them. Consider that each child takes a fair amount of... Ahem... Work to produce. Consider that Sam also worked. What more would a poor Hobbit have energy for? Certainly not shagging Master Frodo wildly in the shrubbery.
Lurtz/Ugluk - I should be squicked. And rant about how evil does not automatically equal sexual perversity. But I'm just happy the humble prince of Mirkwood is not about, so I'll just let the two shag widely behind Saruman's couch.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 06:31 am (UTC)... I'm going to be in much pain for that later, aren't I?
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 09:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 11:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 02:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 11:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 08:20 am (UTC)Oh, and feel free to be snarky, of course--I shan't be offended in the slightest.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 11:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 10:49 am (UTC)Hm, it's interesting that your reply to my pairing of choice actually consists to an extent of roughly 33% of a repetition of the same word, over and over again. Probably because this word is the best argument against it. But slashers may still hope for a fair amount of alcohol... ;)
My favourite quote, however, appears in the context of hot!Istari-love: Sometimes a staff is just a staff and not a clever euphemism for dodgy activities involving pointy hats. Even Freud would second that.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 11:27 am (UTC)Freud would be too busy crying for bleach to second anything, me thinks.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 11:01 am (UTC)Gimli/Gollum? And I thought I had seen it all...
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 11:29 am (UTC)Saying "I thought I had seen it all..." is inviting more horrendous pairings to come along, trust me.
Gandalf/Saruman
Date: 2005-02-11 11:19 am (UTC)Re: Gandalf/Saruman
Date: 2005-02-11 11:30 am (UTC)oh well
Date: 2005-02-11 12:06 pm (UTC)At least it's not as scary as the Glorfindel/balrog fic I once saw. *shudders in fright*
Re: oh well
Date: 2005-02-11 12:29 pm (UTC)Re: oh well
Date: 2005-02-11 12:59 pm (UTC)Re: oh well
Date: 2005-02-11 04:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-15 01:50 pm (UTC)Shows how much you know! I'll tell you that Uglúk's One True Love is no else but Lugdush. Who could just as well be female, since we don't really know what visible difference there could be between male and female Uruk-hai, eh?
It seems you have read a certain Legolas/Lurtz epic romance, where Lurtz gets converted by a temporary amnesia and Twu Wub - down to even having his teeth reconfigure by Elrond's healers, so that he can give his Elf major smoochies...
(sighs. sharpens cruel knife, borrowed from Lugdush. sends anonymous letter to King Thranduil, containing the url of said story. leans back and watches with a grin the Elvenking mete out justice)