When a Hermaphrodite Loves a Cat
Mar. 17th, 2005 02:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
misscamI was sorting through some old stories and found a MST-style snark draft of the infamous Artemis's Lover fic. And because I am evil, I share my pains. Behold Cam and Ishmael, her darling cat, tackling a fic that makes hairballs feel pleasureable. Not for the innocent of mind. (Horrid) Descriptions of sex and bad grammar to boot.
I claim no onwership over the fic quotes, as I don't lust cats.
"Artemis's lover"
Miss Cam: We all love Artemis
by Oscar allias"Artemis's lover"
Ishmael: I sense a theme devolping.
E-mail= oscaralfonso@hotmail.com
Author notes:
Intro:
"Hi, i'm Oscar". "And i'm Artemis, Minako's ex-white cat"
Ishmael: He used to be white, now he’s black.
..."we're here to tell you, how we met, how we fell in love with each other, and well how we lost our virginity.
Ishmael: Please tell me Oscar is another cat.
Miss Cam: Oscar is another cat.
Ishmael: *purrs*
Oscar's an Hermaphrodite, i.e.=a boy that has a dick and pussy (with clit and everything) at the same time!!
Ishmael: You said he was another cat!
Miss Cam: I lied.
imagen that!"
Miss Cam: I’d rather not. I just had lunch.
"HEY!!!SHUT THE FUCK UP ARTEMIS!!" "Oops!sorry, Oscar" "Well, nevermind Artemis,soooo let's get on with the show!"
Artemis's lover:
The day was unusually fresh, for being June/2/97
Miss Cam: Not that we are going into details or anything
, Oscar was walking on a lonely street,only with a Sprite bottle, and a WWF magazine.
Ishmael: Wild World of Felines, no doubt.
His toughts were racing on why he was so depress,
Miss Cam: VERB TENSES! Verb tenses!
Ishmael: This boy will molest a fellow cat and you get worked up over verb tenses?
he had always spyed on the sailor scouts, ever since luna caught up with Usagi, but most of all, when Artemis joined the group.
Miss Cam: That had been a highlight in his stalker career
He always tought "Why am i obsesed with that cat?" he than realized he had a crush on Artemis!!
Ishmael: Back away from the cat, dude, and no one will get hurt.
, even tough he was a boy, even tough Artemis was a cat.But not an ordinary cat that is. He then squeezed the bottle so hard
Miss Cam: The cat squeezed the bottle?
Ishmael: We work our paws very well, you know.
, it blew up, soaking his shirt, his pants, and his tennis.
Miss Cam: ... His tennis?
Ishmael: Well, his body does come with balls.
Miss Cam: Who taught you to have such a dirty mind?
Ishmael: You did.
Miss Cam: Oh. Right. Remind me to smack myself.
He was upset to know that he was in love with a cat! He knew were Minako lived, her adress, her phone number, and her P.O.BOX.
Ishmael: Cat stalker!
He said to himself "I'll do it...but i'll probably hate myself in the morning"
Ishmael: If not, cats everywhere are sure to.
he ran to his house, ihis bedroom, and started to write a letter to Artemis, sending it to Minako's place.
Ishmael: The human Artemis owns?
The next day, Minkao checked the mail and gasped when she saw an envelope that readed
Miss Cam: Verb tenses!
"To:Artemis From:.......". She then yelled "Artemis!", Artemis still asleep, yawned and stretched the last bit of sleep from his beautyfull little body
Ishmael: Of course he’s a beautiful. He’s a cat, he has paws and whiskers. It goes without saying.
Miss Cam: But nice to see your species isn’t conceited about it.
."What is it Minako?" he asked,still asleep.
Ishmael: Then, like a true cat, scratched her favourite wallpaper. Never wake a cat.
Miss Cam: But it is all right for you to wake me every morning?
Ishmael: I’m cute.
"Artemis, you have a letter!" said Minako,giving him the envelope.
Miss Cam: Which he accepted with his imaginary hands.
"WHAT!??"he gasped"How can someone know my name, and my ability to talk?"he said shreding-open he envelope, and said to Minako
Miss Cam: Shredding cats are indeed good at.
Ishmael: Still not over the loss of your favourite sweater?
Miss Cam: No.
Ishmael: I did you a favour. Green is not your colour.
"Minako-chan, could you leave me alone for a moment?". "Sure" replied Minako, stepping out of the bedroom.Artemis readed the letter that said:
Miss Cam: I think the author should have "readed" the grammar book again.
"Dear Artemis:You don't know who i am, don't know what i am, don't know anything about me. But belive me......i know everything there's to know about you...
Miss Cam: (as Oscar): You probably saw my entry in Who's Who of Creepyville.
i liked you since the moment i saw you. No one deserves you but me. Some day, some time, at the right moment, we'll meet.and i'll have you. Until then see ya!
Ishmael: Cat stalker!
Artemis gulped hard, and shivered, thinking that i would kill him.
Miss Cam (as Oscar): As I saw, watching through my planted cameras.
Minako entered the bedroom and said"Artemis, is everything all right?"Artemis looked whiter than usual
Miss Cam: Can cats actually pale?
Ishmael: If we could, I’d sure be doing it by now.
"Yes quite fine" and left the room with a sigh.Minako looked for the letter but he had thrown it to the window.
Ishmael: But only to the window, and not out of it.
"I hope he's all right" Minako said stepping into the shower. Artemis knew that he'd better be on the look out, if someone tried to kidnap him.He had the same secuence in his mind, every second it passed.Asking himself things like=
Miss Cam: 2+2 = 4
Ishmael: Cats + Ribbons = Cuteistan
Miss Cam: Bad fic + Bestiality = Farewell to my lunch
"Who's that person?" "Is he good or evil?" "What he'll do to me?".
Miss Cam: Let me give you a hint. ‘Dear Penthouse, let me tell about the strange experience I had…’
Around 9:00 pm
Ishmael: (as Oscar) I'm not sure how many seconds past it was.
Artemis showed up at Minako's house,curved up into a fuzzy ball and went to sleep. The next day Artemis woke up to the sound of chriiping birds "Damn birds"he said woking up.
Ishmael: Birds do make a good wok.
He got up before Minako did,so he went for a walk.
Miss Cam: Cats don’t walk, they strut.
Unfortunatelly, Luna caught him, "Hello Artemis,why are you so concerned".
Miss Cam: (as Artemis) Because when you ask a question, you add a question mark.
Ishmael: (as Artemis) Humans are so stupid.
Artemis replied "Well luna, last day i recieved a letter from a secret person" Luna gasped"WHAT?!? That's impossible, no one except our sailor scouts know our name's and ability to talk"
Miss Cam: Our name’s what? Pride? Joy? Pain?
Artemis still upset responded "I know...it told me that, it liked me since it saw me, and that some day i'll meet it"
Ishmael: Little did Artemis know how aptly he the description of ‘it’ would be.
Luna sighed "Well, lets hope that's not the negaverse."
Miss Cam: Eh? Oh, right, Sailor Moon thing.
Ishmael: Why are we reading this if you don't know the Canon?
Miss Cam: I hate myself.
Atemis looked at luna and said "CAN'T YOU THINK ANYTHING THAT'S NOT THE NEGAVERSE?!" he frogned
Ishmael: At least as a frog, he’d be safe from sexual advances.
Miss Cam: Or so he thought…
and left her."Luna said to herself "Poor Artemis, it's not his fault" and just continued her path.
Artemis was too perturbated to notice the 6 cats that were hcasing him."Damn! i hate being such a sexy cat!!"
Miss Cam: (singing) I’m too sexy for my paws, too sexy for my paws…
Then a loud MEOW filled the air Artemis turned his back, and saw the other cats him
Ishmael: The other cats him what?
Miss Cam: Considering what this story is about, do you really want to know?
Ishmael: Good point.
"GET THE FUCK OFF MY BACK!YOU BASTARDS, I'M IN A REALLY BAD MOOD TODAY!"he said as he prepared his claws and teeth to fight,
Miss Cam: (as Artemis) Okay claws and teeth, we have a fight on our paws. Be prepared.
he knew that he'll lost,
Miss Cam: Pick a tense, any tense!
but he couldn't just let those cats kick his butt without a fight.
Miss Cam: And yet, I have never seen a cat kick a butt.
Ishmael: We prefer to claw butts.
Miss Cam: Ah yes.
The fight was rough, those cats began ripping him off, cutting him in the stomach, his arm, his leg, his back and his ear.(OUCH!)
Miss Cam: Thank you for so thoughtfully informing us that would hurt, author. I had no idea.
Oscar was aruond that fight, returning from a baseball game, with his bat on the shoulder.
Ishmael: Bats too? Someone call Animal Protection.
Artemis was already badly wounded, and bleeding to death.
Ishmael: And counting his blessings for the sweet release from badfic.
Oscar passed by the alley were Artemis was.Oscar gasped as he instantly recognized Artemis, he took his bat and ran to help him, he hitted 3 cats simultaneusly with it.BOOMSHACALAKA!
Miss Cam: Words fail me.
Ishmael: Not me. I'd rather have hairballs than read that again.
blood spurted out from the craneum of the other cats,he actually broke the head of the one that wounded Artemis!. The cats laid around dead,
Miss Cam: You must be really proud of that accomplishment, self inserted character.
as Oscar grabbed Artemis, and huged him tightly, while covering him with his shirt, Artemis saw Oscar and he said weakly
Miss Cam: (as Artemis) Kill me. Kill me now. Do the bat instead.
"W...Who are you?" then every thing went black...Oscar, with tears in his eyes, said to Artemis "Don't worry my dear Artemis, you'll be allright".
Ishmael: Until I get my will with you, of course.
Artemis woke up to the sound of a door closing.Oscar saw this and said crying "Artemis!!Thank god you're alive!!" Artemis tought "How does he
know my name?"
Ishmael: Run, Artemis. Run.
Artemis just meowed Oscar hearing this said "Oh Artemis, you don't have to pretend with me. It's all right you can talk". "Who are you?"Artemis asked still sour from the fight.
Ishmael: There is nothing less dignified than having to have a human save you.
Miss Cam: You always seem grateful enough.
Ishmael: Shut up.
Oscar took a deep breath...and said "Artemis, i'm that guy who sent you that letter". Artemis gasped "WHAT?!? So you're the one!".
Miss Cam: (as Artemis) Now that I know I can kill you.
Ishmael: I’ve trained you so well.
Oscar looked a little scared and said "Sorry Artemis, i didn't meant to scare you. But how could i said my feelings to you in person?"
Ishmael: (as Oscar) Yeah, what do you think, that I’m normal or something and could do it the normal way?
Artemis coughed "hmmmm...you may have a point there" Oscar looked him straight in the eyes and said "Artemis, i....i....love you. ever since i saw you, i knew it was our destiny to be
together"
Ishmael: I think I am going to be sick
Artemis got a little embarrased and said "I some how, feel the same for you Oscar,
Miss Cam: WHAT?
Ishmael: Obviously, the fight lead to the sad demise of his brain.
but doesn't it matter that you're a human and i'm a cat? Oscar blushed and said"Well Artemis, i have a little secret you know...." Artemis looked him with an evilly smile "Hmmm. What secret?" Oscar took another deep breath and said "Artemis..i'm an HERMAPHRODITE"
Miss Cam: Now I’m going to be sick too.
Artemis went wide eyed "NO KIDDING?". Oscar said "No" as he started to undress, Artemis was paralized, as he looked Oscar's dick, and below that his pussy,
Miss Cam: (weakly) Pussy and cat. Haha. The wit, it does me slay.
Artemis had a goofy smile on his face. Oscar gasped "Uh? Oh you PERVERT!!" and slapped him silly
Ishmael: You desire a cat and call him a pervert?
"MEOWUCH!!".
Ishmael: ... goes the hairball.
"Oops!sorry Artemis, how could i stay mad at you?" he then said "Now look Artemis, your wounds will get infected if i don't clean them,ok?" Artemis happily said "OK".
Miss Cam: The Caps Lock clearly showing his utter joy at wound cleaning.
And so Oscar turned the shower on, Artemis went inside with Oscar,and cleaned his soft fur, Artemis enjoyed Oscar's tact,rubbing his fur with a desinfectant soap,while purring softly, he didn't like baths very much, but this was with his lover, so how could he resist a bath with his true love?
Miss Cam: Whom he had known all of five minutes.
Ishmael: Love makes time so fluid.
Then, they laid in the bed all stretched out, with Artemis's wounds now closed.
Ishmael: Heal fast with the Force, cats do.
Artemis broke the silence saying "Soooo" Oscar replied "Soo what?"
Artemis said evily "Are you still a virgin?"
Miss Cam: (singing, as Oscar) Like a virgin, kissed for the very first time… Ew, is that a rat’s tail stuck between your teeth?
Oscar responded a little embarrased "Why yes, in fact i have been saved myself for you...my love" Oscar said, as he hugged Artemis and kissed in his lips,
Ishmael: That sounds somewhat painful.
Artemis eventually opened his mouth letting Oscar's tounge to play with his. Oscar then went south,
Miss Cam: He longed to return to his redneck upbringings.
caressing all of Artemis's parts along the way with his tounge. He didn't care for his fur.
Ishmael: Hey! Everyone cares for our fur!
And reached his little dick,caressing it with his fingers, and licking it as if it was a clit.
Miss Cam: Actually, if he was liking it like a clit...
Ishmael: Finish that sentence and this claw will have extensive meetings with your skin.
Artemis moaned silently with his eyes closed, as Oscar continued. Oscar looked the expression on Artemis's face and said "Artemis, you feel good, don't you?"
Ishmael: (as Artemis) Actually, I am plotting to kill you.
Artemis was grabbing the bed with his nails, it was too much pleasure for him
Miss Cam: Nails?
"AHH!.....Please....don't stop....AHH!" Oscar's fingers replaced his tounge,
Ishmael: Take five, tongue.
and it went licking it's way up, to his stomach, his chest, his chin, and again to his mouth, they locked tounges again
Ishmael: Do I even want to know where the key would be?
,as Oscar's fingers continued to stroke artemis's dick,
Miss Cam: There it is.
they parted tounges "AHH....That's it....OHH" Artemis said. Oscar again went south, but this time he began licking Artemis's dick like if it was a nipple.
Miss Cam: Has he ever actually tried pleasing a woman? How the heck would he know the difference, being a virgin and all?
"AHH...Please....don't....UHH...do that...AHH"Artemis said, feeling a little embarrased.
Ishmael: A LITTLE embaressed?! A human is doing you and all you manage is a little?!
Miss Cam: The rest of him is busy feeling murderous.
Ishmael: Why bother just feeling it? Go for the murder, Artemis!
Oscar still stroking his dick said"Why not?don't you feel good?". Artemis said "Yes...AHH...but....it's...embarrasing...UHH".Oscar kept sucking on Artemis's dick,as Artemis moaned louder
Miss Cam: Begging for the sweet release of death.
, suddenly Artemis climaxed,letting out a part of his load in Oscar's mouth.
Miss Cam: And I used to think cat pee was the worst I had to deal with.
Artemis saw Oscar's face and noticed the cum, "Oh,sorry Oscar, i just lost control" Oscar looked him with a smile "It's ok. Artemis, it's good to release it" he giggled and then, plunged his finger on Artemis's little hole
Ishmael: (as Hole) Who you calling little?
"AAHHH!!!UHHHH!UUUMMM!!Yesss!"Artemis said, as his body was convulsioned by the motion of Oscar's finger, Artemis had tears in his eyes,
Miss Cam: I think we all do, buddy.
he was enjoying it but it was painfull. Oscar pulled his finger out of Artemis's little hole,and then Artemis said "It's my turn now" Artemis began licking Oscar's big dick, ,and began giving him a blow job,
Ishmael: Bite it off.
Oscar tought "Wow, i've never seen a blow job this fast!" and said "AHH,OHH,YES,you make it good"
Miss Cam: I’m just waiting for the cheesy porn flick music to start playing.
Artemis smiled, as he continued, he then went his down,
Ishmael: Rather than his up.
licking his way to Oscar's inner thighs. Oscar began breathing Quicker as Artemis's tounge got closer to his pink, swollen slit, now damped and wet from his love juices,
Miss Cam: Ah yes, the love. Must have missed that inbetween all the porn.
Ishmael: You didn't miss much.
Artemis then smiled as he reached his pussy, licking his clit in little circles,
Miss Cam: (as Artemis) Dizzy now.
his tounge and chin were being soaked by Oscar's love juices.
Miss Cam: (as Artemis again) Drowned now.
Oscar started to spasm, and his back arched up making his firm ass up bed, Artemis, with his paws opened Oscar's pussy lips
Ishmael: As a cat, I hereby ban all pussy jokes.
Miss Cam: You're no fun.
Ishmael: I'm cute. I don't need to be fun.
, and now, Artemis's tounge darted in and out of Oscar's love hole.
Ishmael: The love had fallen in, never to be seen again.
Miss Cam: Let us take a second to mourn its passing.
Ishmael: Mourn. Mourn. Hey, is there any more tuna?
Artemis wanted to plunge into him here and there,but, alas, he was to small, even tough he had a big member for a cat, but just like Oscar could read the toughts of cats,
Miss Cam: Like they’re really that hard to figure out. Fish, sleep, human slave.
Ishmael: Hey! Sometimes we want two human slaves.
said "Don't...AHH...worry Artemis..UHH...fuck me...AHH...please"he begged,Artemis gladly accepted, and trusted his little dick inside him, waving it across Oscar's inner walls.
Miss Cam: ……???
Oscar began to sweat like hell, and artemis, a little frustrated about his size, plunged his paws into him.
Ishmael: Claws out.
Oscar feeling this, yelled "AAAHHHH!!!YESSSS,UUUHHHMM" gasping for air, as an inmense wave of pleasure ripped him.
Ishmael: At last, he murders him already.
Artemis slowly moved his paws in and out from Oscar's slick love hole, bringing out more pre-cum,
Miss Cam: Pre-cum? From the love hole?
Ishmael: He's a good digger.
as Oscar got more excited,suddenly Oscar began stroking his own cock,Artemis saw this and took his paws out from Oscar's love hole.Artemis then grabbed-stroke
Miss Cam: Now there’s a new move, the ‘grab-stroke’.
Oscar's dick with his slippery paws,pumping Oscar's dick and putting it into his mouth. Oscar started fingering himself, his pussy easily accepted his first 2 fingers and eventually trusted another 3, Oscar pulled out a puddle of cum
Ishmael: A PUDDLE?
Miss Cam: The mental images this story brings about are just so delightful, aren’t they?
, and said to Artemis "Here artemis" Artemis licked the cum out of Oscar's fingers, retained it in his mouth, and went to Oscar's face,
Ishmael: Sadly, Oscar's face was not in.
again they locked tounges, Artemis let out the cum from his mouth and into Oscar's mouth,they enjoyed the sweet flavor of the cum in their kiss.
Miss Cam: Sweet? Someone has obviously actually never tasted it.
Ishmael: Do I want to know how you know that?
Miss Cam: No. You just want my bed and tuna.
Artemis then returned to Oscar's crotch sucking on Oscar's dick,Oscar continued fingering himself as well, as Artemis pumped his dick over Oscar's tight pussy. Artemis then, straighten up his tail and entered the driping love hole with it,
Ishmael: *stares wide-eyed, then curls up his tail protectivly*
pumping it slowly making Oscar spasm even more.in one final trusth Artemis pumped all of his load over Oscar's tight pussy. The feeling of him spraying over his pussy, made Oscar go over the edge,
Miss Cam: Plummeting to his death.
he reached his fisrt orgasm,he grabbed the bed desesperately as he lost control, as his dick let out a high amount of sperm making Artemis feel what Oscar feelt,his cunt letting a great amount of cum,soaking the bed sheets and his lover's tail
Miss Cam: Oscar the deluge.
,and his cunt seized his fingers and Artemis pumping tail,he shoved even more deeply his fingers making a second orgasm hit him
Miss Cam: Hell, if cats could do that, even I…
Ishmael: Do not finish that sentence if you value your life
Miss Cam: I was only jok…
Ishmael: My tail hurts from mental anguish. That is not a joking matter.
,Artemis teased his clit as the last wave of pleasure runned
Ishmael: Setting a new world record for marathon as it fled to escape Oscar.
by Oscar's sapmed body.he took out his fingers, enjoying the taste of his first cum, Artemis as well licked his paws, Artemis laid on him, flat on his stomach, tail out of his pussy,
Ishmael: No! It was never in there! Never!
and said "OHH....Oscar...umm...i've never felt so satisfyed...." Oscar said exhausted "Thank you my love" they laid in the bed for about 18 min.
Miss Cam: Not that they timed it, or anything.
and dose off to sleep. The next day...Oscar woke up and didn't saw Artemis anywhere,he grew concerned,
Ishmael: He was sick of growing tomatoes.
"Artemis!?" he shouted to see if he was around, he looked everywhere, but only found a note that said
"Dear Oscar=I went over to Minako's house to talk about what just happened
between you and me, i'll be all right, i'll return for about 10:00am.
Miss Cam: Either you return at 10:00 a.m. or about 10 a.m.
Love
you Artemis
It was 9:35am. when Artemis returned, Oscar asked him "Soo, how did every thing went?" Artemis responded "Well...it was hard to Minako
Ishmael: Seeing how they are sane and all.
and the others tho admit, that i was in love with a hermaphrodite, but they at the end understood.even Luna"
Ishmael: Did they understand before or after their brains just popped out and left?
Artemis sighed . Oscar said "Well,i'll protect you in every battle you go with the sailor scouts" Artemis looked happy to hear that "Thanks Oscar,You're indeed a great person....and boyfriend"
Miss Cam: And girlfriend.
Oscar replied "Right" and they went to the kitchen to eat.....
THE END.....FOR NOW
Ishmael: I feel as if there should be ominous music playing.
Well i tried to spell check ok? no promises!!!
Ishmael: I have a promise. It involves Oscar, my claw and a hairball of death.
Miss Cam: Shh, my darling. It's over now.
Ishmael: Grrr. Whatever happened to animal rights?
Miss Cam: It died for sex.
Ishmael: We mourn its demise.
Miss Cam: Mourn, mourn. Hey, let's watch birds being eaten on Discovery while I stroke your fur and feed you goodies.
Ishmael: Now *that's* how you pleasure a cat.
I claim no onwership over the fic quotes, as I don't lust cats.
"Artemis's lover"
Miss Cam: We all love Artemis
by Oscar allias"Artemis's lover"
Ishmael: I sense a theme devolping.
E-mail= oscaralfonso@hotmail.com
Author notes:
Intro:
"Hi, i'm Oscar". "And i'm Artemis, Minako's ex-white cat"
Ishmael: He used to be white, now he’s black.
..."we're here to tell you, how we met, how we fell in love with each other, and well how we lost our virginity.
Ishmael: Please tell me Oscar is another cat.
Miss Cam: Oscar is another cat.
Ishmael: *purrs*
Oscar's an Hermaphrodite, i.e.=a boy that has a dick and pussy (with clit and everything) at the same time!!
Ishmael: You said he was another cat!
Miss Cam: I lied.
imagen that!"
Miss Cam: I’d rather not. I just had lunch.
"HEY!!!SHUT THE FUCK UP ARTEMIS!!" "Oops!sorry, Oscar" "Well, nevermind Artemis,soooo let's get on with the show!"
Artemis's lover:
The day was unusually fresh, for being June/2/97
Miss Cam: Not that we are going into details or anything
, Oscar was walking on a lonely street,only with a Sprite bottle, and a WWF magazine.
Ishmael: Wild World of Felines, no doubt.
His toughts were racing on why he was so depress,
Miss Cam: VERB TENSES! Verb tenses!
Ishmael: This boy will molest a fellow cat and you get worked up over verb tenses?
he had always spyed on the sailor scouts, ever since luna caught up with Usagi, but most of all, when Artemis joined the group.
Miss Cam: That had been a highlight in his stalker career
He always tought "Why am i obsesed with that cat?" he than realized he had a crush on Artemis!!
Ishmael: Back away from the cat, dude, and no one will get hurt.
, even tough he was a boy, even tough Artemis was a cat.But not an ordinary cat that is. He then squeezed the bottle so hard
Miss Cam: The cat squeezed the bottle?
Ishmael: We work our paws very well, you know.
, it blew up, soaking his shirt, his pants, and his tennis.
Miss Cam: ... His tennis?
Ishmael: Well, his body does come with balls.
Miss Cam: Who taught you to have such a dirty mind?
Ishmael: You did.
Miss Cam: Oh. Right. Remind me to smack myself.
He was upset to know that he was in love with a cat! He knew were Minako lived, her adress, her phone number, and her P.O.BOX.
Ishmael: Cat stalker!
He said to himself "I'll do it...but i'll probably hate myself in the morning"
Ishmael: If not, cats everywhere are sure to.
he ran to his house, ihis bedroom, and started to write a letter to Artemis, sending it to Minako's place.
Ishmael: The human Artemis owns?
The next day, Minkao checked the mail and gasped when she saw an envelope that readed
Miss Cam: Verb tenses!
"To:Artemis From:.......". She then yelled "Artemis!", Artemis still asleep, yawned and stretched the last bit of sleep from his beautyfull little body
Ishmael: Of course he’s a beautiful. He’s a cat, he has paws and whiskers. It goes without saying.
Miss Cam: But nice to see your species isn’t conceited about it.
."What is it Minako?" he asked,still asleep.
Ishmael: Then, like a true cat, scratched her favourite wallpaper. Never wake a cat.
Miss Cam: But it is all right for you to wake me every morning?
Ishmael: I’m cute.
"Artemis, you have a letter!" said Minako,giving him the envelope.
Miss Cam: Which he accepted with his imaginary hands.
"WHAT!??"he gasped"How can someone know my name, and my ability to talk?"he said shreding-open he envelope, and said to Minako
Miss Cam: Shredding cats are indeed good at.
Ishmael: Still not over the loss of your favourite sweater?
Miss Cam: No.
Ishmael: I did you a favour. Green is not your colour.
"Minako-chan, could you leave me alone for a moment?". "Sure" replied Minako, stepping out of the bedroom.Artemis readed the letter that said:
Miss Cam: I think the author should have "readed" the grammar book again.
"Dear Artemis:You don't know who i am, don't know what i am, don't know anything about me. But belive me......i know everything there's to know about you...
Miss Cam: (as Oscar): You probably saw my entry in Who's Who of Creepyville.
i liked you since the moment i saw you. No one deserves you but me. Some day, some time, at the right moment, we'll meet.and i'll have you. Until then see ya!
Ishmael: Cat stalker!
Artemis gulped hard, and shivered, thinking that i would kill him.
Miss Cam (as Oscar): As I saw, watching through my planted cameras.
Minako entered the bedroom and said"Artemis, is everything all right?"Artemis looked whiter than usual
Miss Cam: Can cats actually pale?
Ishmael: If we could, I’d sure be doing it by now.
"Yes quite fine" and left the room with a sigh.Minako looked for the letter but he had thrown it to the window.
Ishmael: But only to the window, and not out of it.
"I hope he's all right" Minako said stepping into the shower. Artemis knew that he'd better be on the look out, if someone tried to kidnap him.He had the same secuence in his mind, every second it passed.Asking himself things like=
Miss Cam: 2+2 = 4
Ishmael: Cats + Ribbons = Cuteistan
Miss Cam: Bad fic + Bestiality = Farewell to my lunch
"Who's that person?" "Is he good or evil?" "What he'll do to me?".
Miss Cam: Let me give you a hint. ‘Dear Penthouse, let me tell about the strange experience I had…’
Around 9:00 pm
Ishmael: (as Oscar) I'm not sure how many seconds past it was.
Artemis showed up at Minako's house,curved up into a fuzzy ball and went to sleep. The next day Artemis woke up to the sound of chriiping birds "Damn birds"he said woking up.
Ishmael: Birds do make a good wok.
He got up before Minako did,so he went for a walk.
Miss Cam: Cats don’t walk, they strut.
Unfortunatelly, Luna caught him, "Hello Artemis,why are you so concerned".
Miss Cam: (as Artemis) Because when you ask a question, you add a question mark.
Ishmael: (as Artemis) Humans are so stupid.
Artemis replied "Well luna, last day i recieved a letter from a secret person" Luna gasped"WHAT?!? That's impossible, no one except our sailor scouts know our name's and ability to talk"
Miss Cam: Our name’s what? Pride? Joy? Pain?
Artemis still upset responded "I know...it told me that, it liked me since it saw me, and that some day i'll meet it"
Ishmael: Little did Artemis know how aptly he the description of ‘it’ would be.
Luna sighed "Well, lets hope that's not the negaverse."
Miss Cam: Eh? Oh, right, Sailor Moon thing.
Ishmael: Why are we reading this if you don't know the Canon?
Miss Cam: I hate myself.
Atemis looked at luna and said "CAN'T YOU THINK ANYTHING THAT'S NOT THE NEGAVERSE?!" he frogned
Ishmael: At least as a frog, he’d be safe from sexual advances.
Miss Cam: Or so he thought…
and left her."Luna said to herself "Poor Artemis, it's not his fault" and just continued her path.
Artemis was too perturbated to notice the 6 cats that were hcasing him."Damn! i hate being such a sexy cat!!"
Miss Cam: (singing) I’m too sexy for my paws, too sexy for my paws…
Then a loud MEOW filled the air Artemis turned his back, and saw the other cats him
Ishmael: The other cats him what?
Miss Cam: Considering what this story is about, do you really want to know?
Ishmael: Good point.
"GET THE FUCK OFF MY BACK!YOU BASTARDS, I'M IN A REALLY BAD MOOD TODAY!"he said as he prepared his claws and teeth to fight,
Miss Cam: (as Artemis) Okay claws and teeth, we have a fight on our paws. Be prepared.
he knew that he'll lost,
Miss Cam: Pick a tense, any tense!
but he couldn't just let those cats kick his butt without a fight.
Miss Cam: And yet, I have never seen a cat kick a butt.
Ishmael: We prefer to claw butts.
Miss Cam: Ah yes.
The fight was rough, those cats began ripping him off, cutting him in the stomach, his arm, his leg, his back and his ear.(OUCH!)
Miss Cam: Thank you for so thoughtfully informing us that would hurt, author. I had no idea.
Oscar was aruond that fight, returning from a baseball game, with his bat on the shoulder.
Ishmael: Bats too? Someone call Animal Protection.
Artemis was already badly wounded, and bleeding to death.
Ishmael: And counting his blessings for the sweet release from badfic.
Oscar passed by the alley were Artemis was.Oscar gasped as he instantly recognized Artemis, he took his bat and ran to help him, he hitted 3 cats simultaneusly with it.BOOMSHACALAKA!
Miss Cam: Words fail me.
Ishmael: Not me. I'd rather have hairballs than read that again.
blood spurted out from the craneum of the other cats,he actually broke the head of the one that wounded Artemis!. The cats laid around dead,
Miss Cam: You must be really proud of that accomplishment, self inserted character.
as Oscar grabbed Artemis, and huged him tightly, while covering him with his shirt, Artemis saw Oscar and he said weakly
Miss Cam: (as Artemis) Kill me. Kill me now. Do the bat instead.
"W...Who are you?" then every thing went black...Oscar, with tears in his eyes, said to Artemis "Don't worry my dear Artemis, you'll be allright".
Ishmael: Until I get my will with you, of course.
Artemis woke up to the sound of a door closing.Oscar saw this and said crying "Artemis!!Thank god you're alive!!" Artemis tought "How does he
know my name?"
Ishmael: Run, Artemis. Run.
Artemis just meowed Oscar hearing this said "Oh Artemis, you don't have to pretend with me. It's all right you can talk". "Who are you?"Artemis asked still sour from the fight.
Ishmael: There is nothing less dignified than having to have a human save you.
Miss Cam: You always seem grateful enough.
Ishmael: Shut up.
Oscar took a deep breath...and said "Artemis, i'm that guy who sent you that letter". Artemis gasped "WHAT?!? So you're the one!".
Miss Cam: (as Artemis) Now that I know I can kill you.
Ishmael: I’ve trained you so well.
Oscar looked a little scared and said "Sorry Artemis, i didn't meant to scare you. But how could i said my feelings to you in person?"
Ishmael: (as Oscar) Yeah, what do you think, that I’m normal or something and could do it the normal way?
Artemis coughed "hmmmm...you may have a point there" Oscar looked him straight in the eyes and said "Artemis, i....i....love you. ever since i saw you, i knew it was our destiny to be
together"
Ishmael: I think I am going to be sick
Artemis got a little embarrased and said "I some how, feel the same for you Oscar,
Miss Cam: WHAT?
Ishmael: Obviously, the fight lead to the sad demise of his brain.
but doesn't it matter that you're a human and i'm a cat? Oscar blushed and said"Well Artemis, i have a little secret you know...." Artemis looked him with an evilly smile "Hmmm. What secret?" Oscar took another deep breath and said "Artemis..i'm an HERMAPHRODITE"
Miss Cam: Now I’m going to be sick too.
Artemis went wide eyed "NO KIDDING?". Oscar said "No" as he started to undress, Artemis was paralized, as he looked Oscar's dick, and below that his pussy,
Miss Cam: (weakly) Pussy and cat. Haha. The wit, it does me slay.
Artemis had a goofy smile on his face. Oscar gasped "Uh? Oh you PERVERT!!" and slapped him silly
Ishmael: You desire a cat and call him a pervert?
"MEOWUCH!!".
Ishmael: ... goes the hairball.
"Oops!sorry Artemis, how could i stay mad at you?" he then said "Now look Artemis, your wounds will get infected if i don't clean them,ok?" Artemis happily said "OK".
Miss Cam: The Caps Lock clearly showing his utter joy at wound cleaning.
And so Oscar turned the shower on, Artemis went inside with Oscar,and cleaned his soft fur, Artemis enjoyed Oscar's tact,rubbing his fur with a desinfectant soap,while purring softly, he didn't like baths very much, but this was with his lover, so how could he resist a bath with his true love?
Miss Cam: Whom he had known all of five minutes.
Ishmael: Love makes time so fluid.
Then, they laid in the bed all stretched out, with Artemis's wounds now closed.
Ishmael: Heal fast with the Force, cats do.
Artemis broke the silence saying "Soooo" Oscar replied "Soo what?"
Artemis said evily "Are you still a virgin?"
Miss Cam: (singing, as Oscar) Like a virgin, kissed for the very first time… Ew, is that a rat’s tail stuck between your teeth?
Oscar responded a little embarrased "Why yes, in fact i have been saved myself for you...my love" Oscar said, as he hugged Artemis and kissed in his lips,
Ishmael: That sounds somewhat painful.
Artemis eventually opened his mouth letting Oscar's tounge to play with his. Oscar then went south,
Miss Cam: He longed to return to his redneck upbringings.
caressing all of Artemis's parts along the way with his tounge. He didn't care for his fur.
Ishmael: Hey! Everyone cares for our fur!
And reached his little dick,caressing it with his fingers, and licking it as if it was a clit.
Miss Cam: Actually, if he was liking it like a clit...
Ishmael: Finish that sentence and this claw will have extensive meetings with your skin.
Artemis moaned silently with his eyes closed, as Oscar continued. Oscar looked the expression on Artemis's face and said "Artemis, you feel good, don't you?"
Ishmael: (as Artemis) Actually, I am plotting to kill you.
Artemis was grabbing the bed with his nails, it was too much pleasure for him
Miss Cam: Nails?
"AHH!.....Please....don't stop....AHH!" Oscar's fingers replaced his tounge,
Ishmael: Take five, tongue.
and it went licking it's way up, to his stomach, his chest, his chin, and again to his mouth, they locked tounges again
Ishmael: Do I even want to know where the key would be?
,as Oscar's fingers continued to stroke artemis's dick,
Miss Cam: There it is.
they parted tounges "AHH....That's it....OHH" Artemis said. Oscar again went south, but this time he began licking Artemis's dick like if it was a nipple.
Miss Cam: Has he ever actually tried pleasing a woman? How the heck would he know the difference, being a virgin and all?
"AHH...Please....don't....UHH...do that...AHH"Artemis said, feeling a little embarrased.
Ishmael: A LITTLE embaressed?! A human is doing you and all you manage is a little?!
Miss Cam: The rest of him is busy feeling murderous.
Ishmael: Why bother just feeling it? Go for the murder, Artemis!
Oscar still stroking his dick said"Why not?don't you feel good?". Artemis said "Yes...AHH...but....it's...embarrasing...UHH".Oscar kept sucking on Artemis's dick,as Artemis moaned louder
Miss Cam: Begging for the sweet release of death.
, suddenly Artemis climaxed,letting out a part of his load in Oscar's mouth.
Miss Cam: And I used to think cat pee was the worst I had to deal with.
Artemis saw Oscar's face and noticed the cum, "Oh,sorry Oscar, i just lost control" Oscar looked him with a smile "It's ok. Artemis, it's good to release it" he giggled and then, plunged his finger on Artemis's little hole
Ishmael: (as Hole) Who you calling little?
"AAHHH!!!UHHHH!UUUMMM!!Yesss!"Artemis said, as his body was convulsioned by the motion of Oscar's finger, Artemis had tears in his eyes,
Miss Cam: I think we all do, buddy.
he was enjoying it but it was painfull. Oscar pulled his finger out of Artemis's little hole,and then Artemis said "It's my turn now" Artemis began licking Oscar's big dick, ,and began giving him a blow job,
Ishmael: Bite it off.
Oscar tought "Wow, i've never seen a blow job this fast!" and said "AHH,OHH,YES,you make it good"
Miss Cam: I’m just waiting for the cheesy porn flick music to start playing.
Artemis smiled, as he continued, he then went his down,
Ishmael: Rather than his up.
licking his way to Oscar's inner thighs. Oscar began breathing Quicker as Artemis's tounge got closer to his pink, swollen slit, now damped and wet from his love juices,
Miss Cam: Ah yes, the love. Must have missed that inbetween all the porn.
Ishmael: You didn't miss much.
Artemis then smiled as he reached his pussy, licking his clit in little circles,
Miss Cam: (as Artemis) Dizzy now.
his tounge and chin were being soaked by Oscar's love juices.
Miss Cam: (as Artemis again) Drowned now.
Oscar started to spasm, and his back arched up making his firm ass up bed, Artemis, with his paws opened Oscar's pussy lips
Ishmael: As a cat, I hereby ban all pussy jokes.
Miss Cam: You're no fun.
Ishmael: I'm cute. I don't need to be fun.
, and now, Artemis's tounge darted in and out of Oscar's love hole.
Ishmael: The love had fallen in, never to be seen again.
Miss Cam: Let us take a second to mourn its passing.
Ishmael: Mourn. Mourn. Hey, is there any more tuna?
Artemis wanted to plunge into him here and there,but, alas, he was to small, even tough he had a big member for a cat, but just like Oscar could read the toughts of cats,
Miss Cam: Like they’re really that hard to figure out. Fish, sleep, human slave.
Ishmael: Hey! Sometimes we want two human slaves.
said "Don't...AHH...worry Artemis..UHH...fuck me...AHH...please"he begged,Artemis gladly accepted, and trusted his little dick inside him, waving it across Oscar's inner walls.
Miss Cam: ……???
Oscar began to sweat like hell, and artemis, a little frustrated about his size, plunged his paws into him.
Ishmael: Claws out.
Oscar feeling this, yelled "AAAHHHH!!!YESSSS,UUUHHHMM" gasping for air, as an inmense wave of pleasure ripped him.
Ishmael: At last, he murders him already.
Artemis slowly moved his paws in and out from Oscar's slick love hole, bringing out more pre-cum,
Miss Cam: Pre-cum? From the love hole?
Ishmael: He's a good digger.
as Oscar got more excited,suddenly Oscar began stroking his own cock,Artemis saw this and took his paws out from Oscar's love hole.Artemis then grabbed-stroke
Miss Cam: Now there’s a new move, the ‘grab-stroke’.
Oscar's dick with his slippery paws,pumping Oscar's dick and putting it into his mouth. Oscar started fingering himself, his pussy easily accepted his first 2 fingers and eventually trusted another 3, Oscar pulled out a puddle of cum
Ishmael: A PUDDLE?
Miss Cam: The mental images this story brings about are just so delightful, aren’t they?
, and said to Artemis "Here artemis" Artemis licked the cum out of Oscar's fingers, retained it in his mouth, and went to Oscar's face,
Ishmael: Sadly, Oscar's face was not in.
again they locked tounges, Artemis let out the cum from his mouth and into Oscar's mouth,they enjoyed the sweet flavor of the cum in their kiss.
Miss Cam: Sweet? Someone has obviously actually never tasted it.
Ishmael: Do I want to know how you know that?
Miss Cam: No. You just want my bed and tuna.
Artemis then returned to Oscar's crotch sucking on Oscar's dick,Oscar continued fingering himself as well, as Artemis pumped his dick over Oscar's tight pussy. Artemis then, straighten up his tail and entered the driping love hole with it,
Ishmael: *stares wide-eyed, then curls up his tail protectivly*
pumping it slowly making Oscar spasm even more.in one final trusth Artemis pumped all of his load over Oscar's tight pussy. The feeling of him spraying over his pussy, made Oscar go over the edge,
Miss Cam: Plummeting to his death.
he reached his fisrt orgasm,he grabbed the bed desesperately as he lost control, as his dick let out a high amount of sperm making Artemis feel what Oscar feelt,his cunt letting a great amount of cum,soaking the bed sheets and his lover's tail
Miss Cam: Oscar the deluge.
,and his cunt seized his fingers and Artemis pumping tail,he shoved even more deeply his fingers making a second orgasm hit him
Miss Cam: Hell, if cats could do that, even I…
Ishmael: Do not finish that sentence if you value your life
Miss Cam: I was only jok…
Ishmael: My tail hurts from mental anguish. That is not a joking matter.
,Artemis teased his clit as the last wave of pleasure runned
Ishmael: Setting a new world record for marathon as it fled to escape Oscar.
by Oscar's sapmed body.he took out his fingers, enjoying the taste of his first cum, Artemis as well licked his paws, Artemis laid on him, flat on his stomach, tail out of his pussy,
Ishmael: No! It was never in there! Never!
and said "OHH....Oscar...umm...i've never felt so satisfyed...." Oscar said exhausted "Thank you my love" they laid in the bed for about 18 min.
Miss Cam: Not that they timed it, or anything.
and dose off to sleep. The next day...Oscar woke up and didn't saw Artemis anywhere,he grew concerned,
Ishmael: He was sick of growing tomatoes.
"Artemis!?" he shouted to see if he was around, he looked everywhere, but only found a note that said
"Dear Oscar=I went over to Minako's house to talk about what just happened
between you and me, i'll be all right, i'll return for about 10:00am.
Miss Cam: Either you return at 10:00 a.m. or about 10 a.m.
Love
you Artemis
It was 9:35am. when Artemis returned, Oscar asked him "Soo, how did every thing went?" Artemis responded "Well...it was hard to Minako
Ishmael: Seeing how they are sane and all.
and the others tho admit, that i was in love with a hermaphrodite, but they at the end understood.even Luna"
Ishmael: Did they understand before or after their brains just popped out and left?
Artemis sighed . Oscar said "Well,i'll protect you in every battle you go with the sailor scouts" Artemis looked happy to hear that "Thanks Oscar,You're indeed a great person....and boyfriend"
Miss Cam: And girlfriend.
Oscar replied "Right" and they went to the kitchen to eat.....
THE END.....FOR NOW
Ishmael: I feel as if there should be ominous music playing.
Well i tried to spell check ok? no promises!!!
Ishmael: I have a promise. It involves Oscar, my claw and a hairball of death.
Miss Cam: Shh, my darling. It's over now.
Ishmael: Grrr. Whatever happened to animal rights?
Miss Cam: It died for sex.
Ishmael: We mourn its demise.
Miss Cam: Mourn, mourn. Hey, let's watch birds being eaten on Discovery while I stroke your fur and feed you goodies.
Ishmael: Now *that's* how you pleasure a cat.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2005-03-16 06:02 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2005-03-16 06:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 06:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 06:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 06:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 06:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 02:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 06:39 pm (UTC)Except Faramir Sues. Grrr.
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Date: 2005-03-16 06:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 07:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 02:51 pm (UTC)*kicks Faramir Sues*
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Date: 2005-03-16 06:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 07:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 07:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 07:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 07:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 08:02 pm (UTC)Your commentary is amazing though. **applaud**
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Date: 2005-03-16 08:09 pm (UTC)Yeah, that fic is infamous for a very good reason.
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Date: 2005-03-16 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 12:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 08:33 pm (UTC)Remember children, bestiality is weird... unless you're an hermaphrodite, and then it's obviously normal and expected. [/public service announcement]
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Date: 2005-03-16 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 09:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 09:34 pm (UTC)Incidentally, the penis and the clitoris are the same organ--even a hermaphrodite wouldn't have one of each...
no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:50 pm (UTC)Everyone should have a cat.
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Date: 2005-03-18 12:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 10:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 10:43 pm (UTC)And I thought I was going to go to sleep soon.
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Date: 2005-03-17 11:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 10:47 pm (UTC)Jemima: WTF?!
I know, I know...
That was... painful, Miss Cam. Very, very painful. Although Ishmael was pretty. =)
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Date: 2005-03-17 11:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 03:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 05:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 10:10 am (UTC)Anckyria: There's my good boy! Please do - if Ishmael is willing and can bear to touch such filth, that is...
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Date: 2005-03-17 11:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 03:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 12:30 am (UTC)I have a hard time looking at blinking icons anyway, but that sparkly stuff is even worse. The icon hurts even worse than the spelling. Worse than the Netspeak, even.